As my husband and I navigate ourselves through the treacherous waters of estrangement with our adult child, we are learning a lot. Mostly by trial and error. Some things we have tried have helped and some things have failed miserably. Still we keep going, and work to keep hope. Truthfully, Nelson is much better at remaining hopeful than I am. I have to work at it. It is very easy for me to fall into a deep ditch of negativity. I have to find ways to preempt situations and make a plan to take care of myself, so that I do not fall into a negative mindset. Knowing these things help us to move forward and become more compassionate and kind to each other during this time of loss, growing, grieving, and reconstructing. We thought that we would let you in on 5 things we have learned over the past few months about estrangement.
Estrangement Can Come Out of Nowhere
Each person in a family have different thoughts and perspectives on how they experience different events that happen within a family. Sometimes it can be divorce. Sometimes it can be a death in the family. Sometimes it can be financial strain that puts pressure on the parents in the household. All families have dysfunction, and most handle the stress and pressure just fine. However, that is not the case with all families. A large percentage of parents that go through an estrangement with an adult child, are loving, caring, involved parents. That is why estrangement can be so devastating and shocking. Our gut reaction is to take action and fix the issue as quickly as possible. We feel that if we do not fix it quickly, then the gap will grow larger. That is not always the best option.
Be Prepared to Take Full Responsibility
Regardless of the situation, we are still parents and they are still our children. Ultimately, that makes us responsible. We have to face the storm. It will be hard, and you will feel that it is unfair. However, if you want to reconcile, doing the work and research and therapy needed, then full responsibility must be taken by the parent. Just like if a football team loses, it is the fault of the coach, the bucks stops with us as parents. It really doesn't matter what you think, or how hurt you feel. For us, we love our children unconditionally and realize that in every relationship there are two sides. I am not saying that the parents are to blame for all of the estrangement. What I am saying is that we have to be ready and willing to take full responsibility and dig deep to realize our part in the situation and the pain it caused our adult child. We have to admit that we are human, flawed, and make huge mistakes no matter how much we love our child.
Do Not Explain or Give Excuses for Your Mistakes
Nelson and I have learned that the reasons behind why we made the mistakes we made and the hurt it caused doesn't matter. Our adult estranged child does not want to hear it. What she wants is to know she is heard and that we are listening to her. She wants us to care about her pain, as do our other adult children who are not estranged. Just listen and acknowledge their pain and be genuinely remorseful for your part in it. That is what we are having to do.
Get Yourself into Therapy
We do not need a vacation, we need our family to be whole. Change your plans, re-route your money and get yourself into therapy. We go to individual therapy. My husband has a therapist, and I have a Trauma Therapist. We have just started with a Family Therapist as well. I also do other therapies to help myself cope and not take into myself the deep hurt that my adult children may or may not be having. This is very important to my healing process. Make no mistake, if you have an adult estranged child, you need to heal, not just your adult child. You are part of the problem and your healing from their choice to become estranged, and from whatever else contributed is necessary for reconnection to occur in a healthy way. Estrangement is caused mainly by unhealthy relationship habits and unhealthy boundaries. Those have to be addressed.
Be Prepared to Do A lot of the Work Alone
Yes, we all need support, however, our healing is ours and ours alone. It is between me and God. It is between you and God. We have to be willing to practice our new healthier practices, our habits need to change. Talk therapy is great. It is nothing without our effort to work on better habits. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, journal, meditate, go on a retreat alone, pray, get massages, do DBT, do EMDR, do whatever your pain tells you it needs to heal. Just heal, and live happier and healthier. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Heal for yourself and your family. Everything will take care of itself.
Know that Nelson and I pray every single day for our family and for our own healing. In the process, we are praying for you as well. Please comment and let us know how you are doing. We would love to hear from you.
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