Bad Day Part Deux...
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is attributed to Albert Einstein. I believe he was right. I also know it is time for me to get off of that particular Merry-Go-Round.
In the past 24 hours I have had multiple hard conversations with family members. Today, I am done. The cake is baked. The bucket is full. There is no more room in the refrigerator. I am out of space for anything else. I am no longer available to have these same conversations. I wrote in yesterday's blog that working out your salvation is hard. I am here to tell you it is. So is love. Unconditional love is hard. It is hard to continue to show compassion and patience and mercy, when your conversations get shut down, or go nowhere. I literally just want to scream. Maybe I should. I am in a waiting period. I am waiting for our family therapy session on Wednesday. I am waiting for the neutral zone. It is difficult to wait. Especially when you feel like you are going to explode.
I just want everything and everyone to stop. I want them to stop and just be kind. There is just so much going on. Nelson and I have an estranged adult child, we have other adult children who want to work out their issues with us in family therapy, we are building a new business, and because we are building a new business our budget is very tight. I am praying every single day for God to bless us and bring us through this season of life that feels like an extremely rocky, stormy, high, dark mountain to climb.
There has been much to happen over the years, and it seems unending. I am ready for peace. I pray for peace. I ask you, if you are readying this to stop and pray for peace for Nelson and I right now. We need this to STOP. I am about to go to bed and I am surrounded by my dogs. I am thankful that I have gotten through the day. I need a great blessing to happen right now. I pray for God to grant us a blessing, something incredibly good so that we know He is walking us though and will continue to guide us on this path and be a lamp to our feet as we walk.
I can explain my needs and get shut down. So...I try again, and again, and again. It is hard to point blank explain what you need to a family member and then have them let you know that it isn't within their ability to give you what you need. Even though it is a simple request. Nothing complicated. I mean, is it just outrageous to ask for someone close to you to stand up for you? In this case, that is a request that is too much. I feel defeated. I feel worthless. I know those things are not true. I haven't slept and I am tired. I realize it is the day. Tomorrow will be a different day.
Tomorrow, I am committing to do something good for myself. I am also making a commitment to stand up for myself. I know no one else will, I will. I am going to have to, and communicate clearly exactly what I want. I can no longer afford to spare the feelings of others, when I feel that I am being walked over and oppressed. Do I want a loving and healthy way to communicate? Yes, I do. I do not want to hurt others. I just know that I am not a doormat for them to blame everything on and wipe their feet on either.
I am also making a list of things I want to discuss Wednesday. I have a feeling that all of these are going to be discussed in therapy for a very long time. As much as I want everything to STOP, I don't think it will anytime soon. Again, I ask for your prayers. I admit, the past 24 hours have been challenging and it is certainly stretching my faith and dependence on God. I realize that I am nothing without Him and I cannot do this at all without Him. Today, I wanted to run screaming away. Today, I wanted to disappear. I am still here. I am alive. I understand this is only temporary. Thank you God.
Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you, we want to know your story
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