I never thought I would find myself an estranged parent. I have said before that it wasn't something that ever entered my heart or mind. I mean, you give birth to your children, you stay up with them when they are sick, you love them so much. It really is like watching your heart walking around outside of your body. You lose sleep with the all night feedings. You take them to the doctor, the ball games, the music lessons, dance lessons, Boy Scouts. I made sure that they always spent time with their dad. We were divorced when they were little and we were completely committed to their weekends with their father. I look at the photo above, and I think to myself, "What went wrong?" Did I suddenly turn into a monster? Estrangement is heartbreaking. The beautiful baby girl I dreamed of and held, no longer wants to contact me, or spend time with me.
Whatever is happening, I have to keep moving forward. This is the mindset I take every single day. Keep looking forward, keep growing and learning, be the best person you can be and don't look back. Love God, love your husband, love yourself, forgive yourself, serve others, be generous, and sing. For heaven's sake, Crystal, SING!!!
Morning Routine
My mornings have always been hard. I have my worst emotional issues in the morning. It has gotten better, however, pretty much all my life, I had severe anxiety in the mornings and
I freeze. The worst time that I have in the mornings is when I have to wash my hair. Washing and drying my hair is a time when all I can do is think.
I am beginning to flip all of that around. I have started getting up earlier, I have a cup of coffee that Nelson makes for me. I love how he makes my coffee. I do my prayer time and Bible Study and then I go for a walk. During my walk I usually listen to a book to help me improve my knowledge on the subject of estrangement. Then I come back home, feed the dogs, let them out, eat, and practice.
My biggest challenge being estranged from my adult daughter is to not allow the separation to push me into self-sabotage. She is always on my mind and in my heart. I have cried oceans of tears and am grieving the loss. I have had to face the fact that I need to be my own person again. I have lost a child, and as life-altering as that was, I had to learn to move on and live. I miss him every single day, and look forward to seeing him again in heaven, I still cry from time to time. I moved forward then and I move forward now.
The emotional impact of starting my day, and knowing I will go through another day without any contact with my adult child is distressing at best. I think about all three of my children every single day. I think that most mothers do think about their children daily. The hardest part is seeing the pictures around my house of her and the fun and precious memories I have of us as a family. The smiles and laughter, hugs and tears. Now there is silence.
Workday Struggles
Going through the workday is certainly a challenge. Being estranged from my adult child took away my confidence and for a while left me feeling rejected and useless. Her sister asked me one day,"Don't you want your daughter to be whole?" Of course, I do. My question is, "Why does it have to be at the expense of my heart?" What I have come to understand is that I am the parent. No matter what, I am the parent. As a parent there are sacrifices that I am required to make, even if that is at the expense of my heart. I have to trust that God has a way of healing my heart and helping her heart at the same time.
I had no motivation to work at first. I just wanted the pain to stop. However, since I am self-employed, if I don't work, I don't get paid. Not working is not an option. It has been very helpful to me to work, it puts my mind on something else and has helped to build my confidence again. I love my students and helping them is very cathartic for me. I can help others and watch them succeed through my work, which is fulfilling. In my office, I surround myself with photos of my successful students and fun performances we have had. That helps to cheer my heart and remind me I am not a failure, and that I am loved and appreciated. I no longer share that with Rachel. It is mine and owned completely by me and the work God puts in front of me. Does my heart ache during the workday? Yes, absolutely. Especially when I think of times that Rachel would help me in the studio. I redirect my thinking during those times and remind myself that I am good and that I am not alone.
Coping Strategies
I use several coping strategies that help me tremendously to deal with being estranged from my adult child. Each one of these I find to be essential to my recovery and finding joy again.
Prayer Time and Bible Study.
This is the time I can connect with God for peace and healing. I journal my prayers. I find journaling to be a very healing form of expression. I hold nothing back. God can handle anything we have to say. I tell him everything and do not filter anything.
2. I go to weekly therapy
Therapy with a qualified therapist is necessary if you want to heal. Also, if you have any hope to reconcile with your adult child, then therapy is an absolute. Most likely you need a Trauma Therapist. According to most information in the research I have done, estrangements are usually connected to trauma the adult child experienced as a result of their parent's unresolved childhood trauma, or trauma of some sort. Be aware that there is a difference between Trauma Therapist and a Trauma Informed Therapist. Make sure that you find a Trauma Therapist. Regardless of whether you have suffered from trauma in your past or not, you have now because it is traumatic to be estranged from your child.
3. Use R.E.S.T
This anagram I learned from doing my own therapy. I do a therapy called DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). In practicing this very intense therapy, I have learned to use this technique. The R means relax...Take 15 minutes to stop and just breathe. In through the nose for a count of 5 and out through the mouth for a count of 5. Next is E...evaluate. Evaluate whether you are in danger or not. Danger means, imminent danger. If the answer is NO, then move on to Set An Intention...Choose something that you like and will help to soothe your nerves and negative feelings and thoughts. Then, Take Action. Stop what you are doing that triggered your emotional reaction and take action to do the intention that you set for yourself.
I use every single one of the tools mentioned and I have seen a great change in how I handle my life and feelings on a day to day basis. I encourage you to gather tools that help and use them.
Evening Reflection
I love to journal. Journaling truly helps me, especially at night. I journal so much that it has turned into this blog. I think it is important before you go to bed to journal about your day and the happenings within that day. Be vulnerable as you write. Don't filter. It will help you track your progress, as well as, give you a way to vent and get things off your mind before bed.
That is what I have for today. Through the anguish I am feeling, I am finding a way through. I am looking forward to going to Italy and singing again on a stage and being surrounded by other artists, learning and growing. Doing healthy things for myself. I pray for my children every single day. That is the best thing I can do for them. Please know that I do the same for you.
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