I am back from Italy. It was a long trip home. Four flight delays, I was awake for over 36 hours. I was glad to get home after that adventure. I found out that I really do not care much for the airport in Munich, Germany. The trip itself was great! I performed 4 concerts in a 2 week period and learned so much from my teacher, Neil Semer, and from Jorge Balca. I also learned a lot from my colleagues who were also there to learn and grow. The people there represented Denmark, Sweden, Holland, Germany, Portugal, Canada, The United States, England, France, Australia, Italy and Brazil. Twelve countries coming together to sing and learn and grow. Our love of singing and music tied us together and we bonded. It was wonderful to be a part of such a unifying situation. In the climate of our world today, I believe that we proved that music is a tool that can be used to bring people from all cultures and backgrounds together. Peace can be achieved through music as a common denominator. I loved every single person that I met. Do I feel that I came back changed? My answer is yes. Has my estrangement with my daughter changed? Unfortunately, no.
While I was there, I faced the issue of working on tension in my body that is inhibiting my air flow. As a singer, your air being able to flow freely is essential. Without free air flow, singing doesn't work in a healthy manner. I had to spend time listening to the tension. I didn't spend time trying to figure out why I had tension, I had to meditate and spend time listening to my body and the tension, allowing it to speak. Listening is a big deal. Over and over and over, I hear Neil Semer say, "LISTEN!" I came back with a great desire to, "listen," more than I speak. When the tension spoke, I finally cried and cried. I cried in front of a masterclass of other professional singers. The tension told me that my daughter not speaking to me is causing the tension. I am feeling tension in my abdomen, exactly where I carried my twin girls when I was pregnant with them 29 years ago. Neil told me that she is an adult now, and I need to let her go. I know that the only way that I am going to solve the breathing tension is to let her go. Letting her go, and letting go of all expectations of interactions between me and my daughter, is a gut wrenching thought, however, it is necessary for me to be able to breathe again.
Another friend that I met in Italy told me that I need to not give up. She has been estranged from her mother for 25 years. She told me to do whatever it takes to reach my daughter and work this out. Two opposite ideas, is it possible to do both? I think so.
I came back with two ways of dealing with my estrangement with my adult child. I am using both. I am working on letting her go no matter what happens. She is grown up and capable. I am working second by second to accept and embrace the fact that I may never speak to my estranged daughter again. Let me be clear, I want to have a relationship with my daughter. However, I love her enough to let her go and know that she will be fine regardless. Holding on and holding on is not the answer. I live without my parents. Though I miss my mother very much, I am fine. The same goes for my daughter. I also have to remember that I am always the parent and she is always the child, even though she is an adult. In our relationship, I will never stop being the parent. The difference is I am a parent, and I am finished parenting. As the parent, I have to lead by admitting that I did not do everything right. I made mistakes. I have to make amends for those mistakes that hurt my daughter. I am learning how to change the unhealthy patterns in my life and replace them with healthy patterns. I am slowing down enough to think things through, instead of going with reactions that may not lead me to the result that I want.
Before any reconciliation can occur, if there is any reconciliation, I first have to reconcile with myself. Living with my own trauma, and being led by trauma reactions is where I have to start. Lots of things went on when I grew up. I have already talked about them. I have already dealt with them. Now it is time to set myself free from the past and the trauma. Yes, all of the trauma happened, however it is not happening now. It is time for different choices. It is time for me to reconnect myself with me. The me I have always known that is inside of my heart. I have to parent myself. I have to help myself. That is what my therapy is there to accomplish. Many of my past reactions were from panic, fear and attempting to control situations. The realization that I have no control over anything other than myself is frightening to me. The only control I have is over the thoughts that I have and the things that I do, and my own reactions towards events that I experience. I am no longer willing to trade my mental and emotional health and my dreams in order to placate what someone else wants. I admit that I did those things in the vain hope that I could control the reaction of others. I wanted the love and approval of my parents, and others in my family. I have found that it only made me more anxious and more lost than I was before. It blurred my vision and gave me a warped sense of what was really going on in my life. That is something that smacked me in my face while I was in Italy. Now, after returning, I am making the effort to change, and improve. I am taking steps to move myself into a better place. I am putting better habits in place, little by little. Before I went to Italy, I had trouble leaving my house. Now that I am home, I have found that it is easy for me to leave and I want to get out and do things. I want to build something that gives me a similar culture to what I had in Italy. That was healthy and supportive. It was and still is filled with love and joy. I know that is worth my effort. Whether my estranged adult child wants to be a part of my life or not, I want that for myself. Do I want her to be a part of it? Yes, I do. I understand I have no control over whether she will or not.
When I got home, I did send my daughter a text. I asked her if she had received my email from weeks back. I sent it to apologize, in the best way I knew how at the time, for all the things I had realized I had done to contribute to the pain that she feels. I also asked her in the text if she would be open to having a conversation. There was no response. I also sent her a friendly email, nothing heavy, just to check up on her. Again, I have had no response. I am actively setting her free, and I am actively letting her know that I care whether she is in my life or not. I will not write her or text her for another long while. No badgering, no begging, no panic, no fear, no shaming or blaming myself. I have already apologized and meant it. That is enough. She is free to respond or not respond.
I continue forward. Do I miss her? Yes, I do. I miss her face, her voice, and her laughter. I miss her presence. I am just finished with spending all of my energy and resources on sadness. There are many worse things in the world to be sad about. Children starving and abused. Wars and people killing each other. Disease and homelessness. The list could go on and on. My estranged daughter is safe and has all she needs. I am safe and have all that I need. My energy is better spent helping those I can help and want my help. My energy is better spent on singing and living the life I dream of living. I made different choices today that were better than yesterday. I am grateful for that. So, yes, something changed in Italy, ME.
#changeinestrangement #usingmyenergyforjoy #estrangementjourney #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild
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