Reconciliation Starts With Me
When this whole journey started I was panicked. I thought I had to solve the problems between my daughter, Rachel and I immediately. I was grasping at straws. I was desperate to find the reason for why the estrangement had happened. I was obsessing over it. I drove my other two adult children crazy over it. Rachel had spoken to them about it. My children are very close, they talk together. They explained to me that they did not want to be in the middle and that they were not going to break the confidence of their sister. I understand their point of view, although, it did leave me with nothing to help. I felt completely left out and abandoned. Today, my husband and I were talking, and he shared with me some concerns from my very close friend, Eugene. Eugene had observed me being very depressed and sedentary. I called Eugene and we talked. I realized that his observation was very true. That is exactly the way I have become. Depressed and sedentary. The light came on immediately. I am not a depressed and sedentary person. What really struck me like a lightning bolt is that the reconciliation that I long for starts with me.
How do I reconcile with myself?
I radically accept the truth of the matter. I look back on everything and realize that I have NEVER accepted who I am. I have always embraced the thought that something is wrong with me and what I want doesn't belong to me, it belongs to other people, not me. I recognize the complete lie I have been believing! WHAT GARBAGE!! WHY AM I BELIEVING SUCH GARBAGE!?!? That is NOT the truth. I am God's child and the apple of His eye. I am intelligent, talented, and capable. Reconciling with myself means I love and accept myself and believe the best about me, AND I restore within myself the respect for myself and for what God put me down here to do so that I can accomplish that purpose.
Restoring Friendly Relations With Myself
Singing has always been something I have done. I have been singing since I was able to speak. That is the truth. I sang my first solo in church at 18 months. Today, I realized that my biggest first step is to restore friendly relations with myself. I am not a failure. I do not have to put what God gave me as a tremendous gift, on a shelf and sacrifice what I want for the sake of others. To restore love to myself through singing and being who I was created to be. I haven't been my own friend. In fact, I have been a pretty awful friend to myself. For whatever reason, I have treated myself with contempt. I have not liked me at all. The huge realization of how I have been living and treating myself is shocking. I have been so abusive to me. I am now making a commitment to myself to love me and to take care of me. I have to take care of me, I am the only me that I have. I am the only person that can do what I am called to do. I am unique. I am special. I am loved. This is my biggest realization. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I am a vocal athlete and I need to treat myself like I know that I am.
The Chair is Empty
As of today, the chair will be empty. No more sedentary life for me. There is too much I want to accomplish. I am fully embracing the reconciliation I am having with myself. Whether I ever reconcile with my adult child or not is no longer important. My main concern is that I cling to my relationship with God and that I am completely reconciled with myself. I think that is the best gift I can give my family. I am grateful to God for this revelation today.
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