The video above gives the scientific explanation on how storms are formed. We watch the weather and hope to prepare ourselves for the storms that come into our area. We are most concerned about severe storms. Storms that can cause great damage. We work to be as prepared as we can. Ultimately, we have no control over what the storm is really going to do. When it is severe, damage occurs, that can take days, months, and even years for recovery. That is what Nelson and I are doing right now. We weren't prepared for this storm. As much as we supported and loved our children, this storm hit anyway. It continues to rage.
Over the past year, a storm has raged. Every time I think it is beginning to calm down, another part of the storm front comes through. Lightning strikes, thunder rolls, strong winds blow, and I watch the damage it causes. Today, yesterday, and the day before, I admit I panicked as the storm raged. I allowed fear to take hold. When the disciples were in the boat with Jesus and a storm hit, they panicked too. That makes me feel a bit better, sort of. I am struggling to remember that Jesus is the Lord of the storm. I understand that He is the son of God and He loves me. I keep forgetting that I need to meditate and understand His sovereignty. The definition of Sovereignty is: Supreme Authority, Autonomy over all things. Supreme Authority, is worth thinking about. Jesus has authority over all things. Jesus knew this storm was coming into our lives. Jesus is with us in this storm. I want Him to take it away. I pray for Him to remove it from our lives. That hasn't happened. Jesus knew the storm was going to happen when they crossed the lake. In fact, Jesus told them where to take the boat. He wanted the disciples to understand and witness His sovereignty and to learn from where the storm comes and who has authority over it. I realize that in what we are going through with our family, Jesus wants us to recognize that He is with us through this too. He can calm the storm. The question is will Nelson and I trust Him to walk us through it. I am clinging to Him every day. There is no choice.
The hardest part is knowing that this is showing me who I really am. It is making me face the storm. It is breaking down any and all parts of me that are not needed. All the junk, all the trauma. I am very frightened. It is scary to sit in front of your adult children and let them tell you all the things that you ever did that hurt them. Not only is it scary, it just plain hurts. I hurt for them, I hurt for myself. My initial reaction is to protect myself from the hurt and pain. Who wants to allow someone to just blast them with all the mistakes, sins, failures that you ever did. I realize that this isn't about me, and if there is any chance for the storm to end, I have to allow my adult children to share their feelings, and accept my responsibility in their pain, and hopefully help them heal, and do a little healing myself. I really wish I didn't have to walk into this storm. I trust Jesus to be there with me.
Honestly, it feels like a terrible punishment. I am told that it is not. That doesn't keep me from feeling like it is. I do not want to go to family therapy on Wednesday. For my adult children's sake, I will. I don't know if this is healthy for me or not. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels terrible. Right now I feel very nauseated over it. I know that it doesn't matter. I love my children. I choose them over myself.
I face the storm. I pray for Jesus to stand with me. Please pray for Nelson and me. We need it.
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