Today was our family's first day of family therapy. All in all, I think it went pretty well. I'm not gonna lie. It was hard, or at least it was hard on me. It wasn't hard because I was blamed for everything. It was hard to hear my adult children share their concerns and desires for our family. They were not angry, just sharing concerns. We all seem to have the same goal, which is to be able to function with mutual respect and healthy communication. I think that is good that we have something in common. What was truly interesting was to understand that each one of us have a different perspective on the same subject. That is what needs to be worked through and discussed. To learn how to listen and hear what the other person is saying and to validate that they feel the way they feel, even if you do not agree, is probably the biggest issue that all of us face. When I say, "all of us," I am referring to the entire human race.
Within every family there is a culture. Sometimes the rules are clear within that culture, and sometimes the rules get muddled by other factors, such as a death in the family, or someone getting severely injured. Drugs and alcohol can be a disrupting factor. Whatever the situation, the disruption can be very confusing and devastating. Especially since, as in our family's case, there are 5 people involved. Where there are 5 people, there are 5 opinions, and 5 different ways of looking at the situation and 5 different ways of processing. Is there a right way as a parent to help your children cope, as well as, yourself? Honestly, I think there are multiple right ways. To be transparent, did I look for the right ways, or was I just trying to survive? I believe I was trying to survive. In the process, that in itself, contributed to the disruption of our family culture. I didn't consider family therapy. I didn't consider a lot of things. I am still reeling from the consequences of the decisions that I made during that time, and the pain it caused to my adult children.
What I am finding out is that family therapy is necessary. I was very uncomfortable today. I know that over the next little while, I am going to continue being uncomfortable. It is going to take a lot of time for each of us. One thing that did come out, is that each one of us is committed to becoming a better, stronger, healthier family. We were all there for the best interest of ourselves and each other. So...Each session, each assignment, each, day will get better. Nothing of any worth comes without pain.
As Nelson and I walk through this with our family, I know that working on myself and dealing with what I need to alone, is even more important. I have to take care of myself, and listen to God and the pain so that I can release more trauma. I think we all have to do that for ourselves. I have spent an entire lifetime, only taking care of others, and being told that anything I did for myself was selfish. That was drilled into me as a small child. Now, I know that this is not true. Taking time for myself is very important.
Another thing I noticed is how differently we all processed certain situations that we spoke about today. The therapist asked a lot of questions. She wanted to evaluate where we each were so that she can best help us. As we each answered the questions, we each had our own take on what we thought. There were a few things that we were the same with, and then there were things we each thought very differently about. It is very interesting how we can be under the same roof, and in the same family, and experience the same event very differently. That is what has to be taken into consideration. That is the very hard part.
As we navigate through our family therapy together, I will have more on how it is going and what Nelson and I are learning about ourselves and our adult children. I want to make it clear that only two of our adult children are in attendance. Our estranged adult child is not. Will she ever join us? I have no idea. I do know that the 4 of us will be better for attending. That is enough for now.
Please comment below with your own thoughts if you wish. I would love to hear from you. My goal for this blog is to tell you our journey of healing, and hopefully others will find a place for support. Please realize that this is a safe space, and any negative comments will be deleted.
Until tomorrow...Be blessed.
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