I have found in times of emotional turmoil and distress, finding solace and support is crucial for healing. At this point in our lives, Nelson and I are finding that being surround by activity and supportive people is something that we need in order to facilitate our healing as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. We have started with feeding our spiritual and emotional needs.
Growing Spiritual Health:
Everyday, first thing in the morning, Nelson and I take care of our connection with God. I honestly do not know exactly what Nelson's spiritually connective routine is, I leave him alone to deal with that himself. I do know it includes reading the Bible and prayer. We both highly value our time alone with God. We endeavor not to disturb one another during this time. I believe that we are all spiritual beings. So connecting with a Higher Power is essential to our healing. Nelson and I are followers of Jesus, so that is who we connect with in our quiet time in the morning. I read the Bible, I listen for what the Holy Spirit is speaking to me, and if prompted, I research further in the Bible and other sources on what I am hearing. I make notes on it in my journal and then I journal my prayer.
We had stopped attending church when we lived in North Carolina. Not because we don't like going, we just could not find a place that we felt supported and that we wanted to support. The churches where we lived just did not line up with our values. That is very important for spiritual health. Since we moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee, we have found a church and people who we want to support and that seem to be supportive in return. That has helped tremendously in our spiritual growth since moving and since we have become estranged from our daughter.
Whatever the case, healing starts with Spiritual Health. It starts on the inside.
Embracing Vulnerability:
We have found that embracing vulnerability is crucial to healing our hearts. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all vulnerable and it is our feeling vulnerable that causes the resentment, rejection, jealousy, envy, anger, rage, stubbornness, pride, reactiveness and unforgiveness that we experience when estranged from our adult child. I also experience shame and blame, which comes along with feeling vulnerable as well. No one likes to feel vulnerable. However, it is necessary to admit our feeling vulnerable and allowing our friends, family, spouse and others that support us into our inner circle so that we can receive the compassion, love and empathy we need.
My husband, Nelson and I use a technique when communicating that has helped us tremendously. When we are talking about an issue and something triggers an emotional response in one of us, before we speak further we use the code word, "Vulnerable." That is our queue to stop right then and there and listen to what is on the heart of the other. Whichever one of us said, "Vulnerable," has to tell what they are feeling. This requires emotional awareness from the person who feels vulnerable, and it requires listening with compassion and empathy from the other. It is helping us to heal our relationship by creating a safe place of trust and support for one another. Try it! It works for us!
A harder thing to do is to be vulnerable in front of other people. I have had a lot of trauma in my life that I am working to heal in myself. I do not let people in my close circle easily. I go to therapy. I have a wonderful therapist that works with me on my Complex PTSD and the reactions it triggers. Because I have a therapist, I also work with her using DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). We also do EMDR. I use these tools and work on them daily. Being vulnerable means admitting you have a problem, (we all do, we are human), and that we want to become healthier and better as a person.
I am working on being more open and vulnerable with other people as well. I am starting at our new church. This will take time for me to get to the point of trusting the people there, and I certainly do not want to overwhelm them with all of my life junk when I am just getting to know them.
I do know that we want this to be a safe place for others to get support, so feel free to comment below. We can't change your situation, however, we can listen and give support.
Moving Forward Through Estrangement:
When my son died in 1993, I wanted to die with him. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted him to live and I felt that I had lived longer and had more of a life, so I was willing to trade places with him. I had so much trouble getting through each day, similar to the way I feel now at times. I do have to say it is getting easier, which lets me know I am beginning the healing process. Sorry, I digress...After he died, I counted the days he had been gone. I relived the day he died over and over. I felt like it kept me connected to him somehow. I did tell myself that one day I would wake up and not remember how many days had passed, and when that day came I did not need to panic and go to a calendar to count the days. It would be a sign that I was healing, and that I would know when it had been six months and I would know when it had been a year. It has been 31 years now. I learned to laugh again. I learned to live again. I will do it again now. It is o.k. to move forward. Right now I am preaching to myself. I am telling myself it is o.k. for me to sing again, and laugh again and be myself again. It is o.k. to move forward. The sun still rises and still sets. Time doesn't stop. I have to make the most of the life God gave me. I move forward, just as I did before.
How Do I Heal?:
Everyone heals differently. Nelson and I heal very differently. I am preaching to myself again, asking myself, "How do I heal?" I heal by forgiving myself. I heal by believing, in faith, that I will be healed and be stronger and healthier in the process. I heal by allowing myself to care for me. I heal by taking the time to care for myself. I heal by doing the work that my therapist suggests to me. I heal by eating right and exercising. I don't always feel like doing that part. I don't like doing it. I cannot heal without it, so the decision is to do it anyway. My feelings will follow my doing. I heal by allowing my husband and my friends and family to love me. I heal by believing they do. I heal by singing and allowing myself to laugh. Proverbs 17:22, "Laughter is good medicine." I heal by doing a lot more of the things I enjoy doing. That is why I started this blog. I love to write.
Finding Solace:
I find solace in the fact that I am getting better every single day. Writing out my thoughts and how I feel gives me solace. Knowing that this is just a season in my life gives me solace. Knowing that there are others out there that are going through something similar gives me solace. It is good to know I am not alone. I would not wish being estranged from your adult child on anyone. It is torture. The pain is great. The regret and sorrow is real. Hope is real as well. To radically accept that my daughter is not in my life now and may never be, is extremely difficult. I did some research about it today in the Bible. God knows exactly how I feel because He is estranged from so many of His children. He loves all of us. Not all of us love Him back. So many reject Him, and live in rebellion against Him. I take comfort in knowing He is for me and with me through each and every moment I am going through, and He really gets it.
Remember to comment if you have something on your heart. We are hear to listen.
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