Welcome to Our New Normal of Being Strangely Estranged
How Our Estrangement Began
March 10, 2024
One day in September of 2023, my daughter and I had a conversation that went in the wrong direction. She is building a new business, and is working on building her clientele. She was very stressed about money. I had come up with an idea that I was hoping would help her and I called her to talk my idea over with her. I offered to pay her for helping me with videos for my studio. I am not tech savvy and my daughter is very tech savvy. She started questioning me on what I needed for the videos. I told her it is very simple. I really just needed them timed with text that would appear on the videos. Nothing really hard. Being the trained video expert she is, she quickly started asking me questions, about exactly what I wanted. Truth be told, I had not gotten that detailed about it, and really wasn’t that sure what I wanted, I was under the thought that she would help me with that part. The conversation became more anxiety filled on both our parts. It started to go down a path that it really didn’t need to go. I told her that if she didn’t want to do the job, just to say so and I would find someone else to help. I truly didn’t want to overwhelm her and I didn’t want to be overwhelmed either. 2023 was one of the worst mental and emotional health years I have ever had. My husband, Nelson and I were going through terrible financial stress. His job was not paying correctly, we were behind in bills as a result. I was extremely stressed. I had worked so hard to build my own studio and business and to get us in a better financial standing over the years. I was watching it all fall apart.
Honestly, I can see the issue between my daughter and I that day was due to the stress we were both under. As the conflict grew, (we were not yelling by the way), we were both just too insistent in what we were trying to communicate to the other. I realized that the conversation had gone in the wrong direction, so I told her I would talk to her later and said I love you.
I felt terrible about our conversation. I did not feel that I was doing a good job communicating verbally. I wrote her an email. I apologized. I told her I loved her and that I was just trying to help. I am in therapy, my son is in therapy and we both have gained a lot of tools to help us. I suggested that she may want to do that for herself, in order to relieve stress and help with communication. I also told her that for the next little while I was going to just email her to communicate. When I am writing, I can spend time thinking and saying things in the way that I really want them, instead of saying something incorrect or inappropriate in the moment I am in. It never crossed my mind that my daughter would stop all communication with me. It never entered my thought process that I would end up alienated from my daughter.
I am a good mother. I started my studio business so that I could stay home with my children. They were sick when they were small, and I needed to be able to make money and take care of them. We were in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals a lot. When it came time for school, I homeschooled them to cut down on sick days and to help accommodate the visitation schedule with their dad. When they finally were all in school, I made sure they had everything they needed. I helped with homework, I made sure they did their after school activities. All three of my children were honor students and won school awards. We went to church. We discussed the Bible and I taught them about Jesus and faith. They are all Christians. My son is an Eagle Scout. Both of my daughters graduated Summa Cum Laude from college. I rarely raised my voice to my children. They never missed curfew. They did not party. I did not yell and scream at them. We talked about our issues. I was not a perfect mother by any means. I made many mistakes. When I did, I always said, “I’m Sorry.” I had grown up with a lot of abuse and trauma. I did not want that for my children.
My mother moved in with us and lived with us for 10 years. She had dementia. It was a difficult time. My daughter who is now estranged from me, stayed home for 2 years after college to help me with her grandmother. My mother was very beloved by my children. My mother was incredible. I appreciate my daughter staying and helping me. It was extremely stressful in the last two years of her life. The stress was very hard on me. I am sure she took a lot of that onto herself. For that, I am very sorry. I was so busy during that time watching my mother deteriorate. It was very difficult. I look back on it and am sure that my daughter had trouble too. I am sorry now that I didn’t recognize that enough. I am very sorry that I was so overwhelmed that I could not see what my daughter was sacrificing.
After my mother's death, my daughter wanted to apply to graduate school. She had begun composing music and wanted to go into the media composition field. She was accepted to the University of Miami. I was so very proud of her. All I have ever wanted for my children is for them to love what they do and serve God with the gifts He gave them.
It truly never entered my mind or heart that one day, my beautiful, loving, loyal, devoted, talented daughter would stop talking with me. I never in a million years would have believed I would live one second, much less 6 months, (it is 6 months at this point, with no end in sight), without hearing her voice or getting any communication from her. I almost died having my children. I signed a Do Not Resuscitate order in the hospital, to make sure they lived. I have always been willing to give up my life for my children. My first child did die. My children are my miracles. I have enjoyed every single minute of their lives, until now.
This is painful. This is painful. This is painful. I pray every single day that God gives me the strength to walk through this time in my life. I pray everyday for my daughter. I pray that God will protect her and keep her safe, and bless everything her hand touches.
She speaks to everyone in my family. I am the exception. I hate the separation. More than anything, I hate the silence. My faith is in the knowledge that God is at work, even in the silence.
I ask so many questions. Will she speak to me ever again? Does she care? Does she know that I still care? I leave her alone. I am respectful of her silence and boundaries.
In the meantime what do I do? I pray a lot. I cry a lot. I allow myself to hurt. I am learning to trust God and let go. I am working to heal from my own issues from a lifetime of abuse and trauma. Which, if I am honest, contributed to the estrangement. I am not responsible for her actions. Only my own. I want the best for my daughter. I have to become the best me I can become in order to give my daughter the love and support she needs. Nothing is impossible with God.
It is hard to have family members say to me that they don’t want to be in the middle. It is hard to be alone in this walk and have no real support. Her sister and her brother listen. My husband listens. My therapist listens and helps me come up with a plan to move forward. It kept me frozen for a while. I still struggle with being frozen. I struggle with not feeling like I was a good mother. I struggle with feeling like I hurt my daughter. I have cried and screamed to God about that part. I screamed and screamed, “I hurt my child!” That is something that I would never make a conscious decision to do. I am a singer. It is what I do. I have felt like disappearing. I have thought, maybe that would help her more. I know that is not true. All I can do is work on healing and on living out the life God called me here to do. I am learning that nothing, not even a broken relationship with my child, needs to ever stand in the way of the purpose God called me to do.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4. I do feel
Like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It is not the same as the death of my son, it is more like someone who is missing. You don’t know how to really move forward, because you don’t know if they will come back or not. It is like being in some sort of weird limbo. You are mourning the death of the relationship you had, and there is a hole in your heart from that missing piece, yet everyone tells you that she is not dead. However, for me, the relationship I had is dead. My heart has shifted, and every day I know that I will not hear her voice or her laugh any time soon. Family members get to see her and laugh with her. They post happy photos of themselves with her on social media, without thinking that my heart is broken and that seeing those pictures is extremely painful. I just keep it to myself. It does no good to say anything to anyone, it only causes conflict. I remind myself to not steal their joy, just because I am having trouble.
I am writing all of this so that maybe it will help me to see it all on paper. I ask God to use it to help me to heal, and to let my writing about this estrangement have purpose. I do pray that it does have purpose. When my son died, I prayed his life and death would be a blessing to others and for it to be used to God’s Glory. God answered that prayer. I know He will answer this one.
I will write more as I learn more. I have made the decision to write something about this journey every day. God be with me on this journey. God be with my daughter every day. I love you Rachel.
Indeed, we write through our pain. You are a good mother. You have been a mother, friend, and mentor to me with an unwavering dedication throughout the years. It’s hard to know why we are placed in unlikely places in life. Just know I love you and the entire family (which has been like my own).
Thank you for your honesty in sharing about this very painful time. I am so sorry this is happening between the two of you. I have been and will continue to pray that you will have the peace of Christ that passes all understanding, for as you know, only in Him can we really walk through these kinds of situations and come out on the other side. As I was reading your story, it reminded me so much of the feelings and emotions I experienced when going through separation and divorce. I was still seeing this person I loved and had chosen to join my life to laughing and enjoying life but without me…with my children and eventually with a…