June 3, 2024
Yesterday, I worked to put up a Blog Site. I called the Blog Site, Strangely Estranged. I set up the domain and got it up and going. It isn’t great yet, but I am working on it. It is up and that is great. I decided if I am going to write about all of what Nelson and I are going through, I at least want it to help someone else. I don’t know what will come of it. I am writing about my thoughts and feelings every day, so I might as well do something constructive with it.
To live a different way that I have ever lived is quite hard to do. I was on one path and then, suddenly, without warning, it was as though I was beamed into another dimension. It cannot be all bad. At least Nelson and I have gotten a fresh start. We were so stuck in North Carolina. I felt like I had nowhere to go and no way out. It was as though I was desparately working to get somewhere in my life and no matter what I did, I wasn’t getting any traction. It took a large toll on my emotional, mental and physical health. It is very possible that had Nelson’s job not started to fail and our financial picture changed so drastically, we may have never left. God knows what He is doing, even when we don’t understand. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” I am finding that this is very true. He has directed our path back to Chattanooga and I can tell He is working in my life to heal my heart and mind. He is healing our marriage as well. I do not know if any of this will have an effect on Rachel coming back into our life or not. All I do know is that it is making a difference in my life. I am beginning to feel hopeful again.
A few months ago, I would have never thought I would say that I am actually grateful that Rachel stopped talking to me. I think I am. I would not be working to make the changes necessary for the Lord to work in my life and heal me. I do pray everyday to be healed. It has started with me looking for something to be grateful for in this estrangement situation we find ourselves in. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” When life goes terribly wrong, I remember this verse, and begin a hunt for my “Thanks.” It is not easy. It is hard work. I do believe God is going to work something wonderful out of the pain that I feel by being separated from my daughter. I pray that she is blessed and growing as well. I want her to know God in a powerful way. Even if it means we both have to go through something terrible in the process. I have needed Him before. When my son died, I needed Him. I need Him every hour of the day. It is the only way I get through each day.
I still have trouble getting out of the house. I want to get out more. The therapy I do encourages me to go to the gym and exercise. It is a physiological coping skill. I haven’t gotten myself to go yet. It is difficult. I want to avoid people. I want to avoid conversations. It is necessary for me to get better to socialize and have a support system of friends. I have friends, I just struggle with letting new people into my close circle. It is a trauma reflex. I am concerned I will talk too much, or say something that another person will find concerning. I am concerned I will withdraw or have a seizure due to anxiety. Yes, I have seizures. They are called PNES, (Psychogenic, Non-Epileptic Seizures). I also have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and it is has caused me to have Vestibular Migraines. The high anxiety and stressed killed my left inner ear. Yes, I have to do therapy to learn coping skills and soothe my over-stimulated nervous system. Yes, I still have a lot of healing to do. Jesus came and died so that we can live life abundantly, to the full. I know He is working on me.
The thing is, when you have an estranged adult child, you are still the parent and you have to do the work that it takes to heal. You never stop being a parent. My son and my daughters have stopped being children. They are now adults and can make their own decisions on what they want and do not want for their lives. However…I will never stop being a parent to them. It makes for a very interesting relationship, especially if you are dealing with estrangement and an adult child. Since I never stop being a parent to my adult children, I have to walk on a higher path. They are still watching. Believe me, I do NOT want to walk the high road all the time. It makes me want to scream! Especially when one of them really hurts my feelings. Especially in this situation we are in with our daughter Rachel. I want to write a letter and let her know how much pain and sorrow she is causing. I want to call her selfish and self-centered. I could still make that my choice. The question then becomes, “What does that accomplish?” The answer is…More Pain, More Suffering. It will just push her further away. So, I take the higher road, regardless of my personal feelings. I am still her mother. I love her unconditionally. She is an adult and God has to let her know what she is responsible for in her life. I am her mother, and I am responsible for my actions and words that affect her. I have done enough damage through my own selfishness, and complete disregard for how she was being effected by me and by my reactions to the trauma I was experiencing. Saying, “I did the best I could,” is not enough. I have to work to change. I have to pay attention to Jesus and how He handled stress, and how He reacted in difficult circumstances. I do not want to go back to being who I was before she walked away and cut off communication. Was I a bad person? No. Did I still cause damage and pain to my daughter, yes. I pray that I am changing for the better and I do not want to look back. I still do not have her in my life. No matter what, I know that I am doing what God has called me to do and that is the best I can do. The rest is up to Him. Change is not simple or easy. It means I have to look at myself every day. I have to take a deep look. I have to slow down enough to consider what I am feeling and how I want what I am feeling to be directed. James 1:19 instructs us by saying, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." I use a tool called R.E.S.T. It means Relax, Evaluate, Set-An-Intention, Take Action. I learned it from the therapy I use, recommended by my Psycho-Therapist. I do a type of therapy called DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). If you want to know more about it, just make a post in the comments below and I will give you the information on how to find the resource. This technique helps me to slow down take a few moments, (even if I have to leave the room. People probably think I am incontinent, haha). I then evaluate whether I am in danger, the answer is normally, "No," and then I have coping intention that has been pre-determined by me, and I take action on one of those coping intentions. This helps me to make a better, calmer, decision, and it keeps me using self-control. I give myself this type of care. It takes constant awareness and practice.
The thing is everyday is different. I may not be as thoughtful about using these tools tomorrow. I may be angry and hurt and spend all day crying tomorrow. I did that two days ago. I am learning to give myself grace and forgiveness and start over immediately. I am grateful for today, today I am good. Thank you for today, Lord.
Oh! By the way…our daughter Rosemary is in Wisconsin with a Shakespearean touring company rehearsing for their summer tour. I am allowing myself the pleasure of enjoying the adult children that are speaking to me. I am hoping to go to Michigan in August to watch her perform. Just one more thing to be grateful for in our family. You can always find something to focus on in which you can show gratitude, and within gratitude you can find joy in the day that you are in. I am staying in this day and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for you Rachel. No matter what the circumstance, I am always going to be thankful to God for giving you to me.
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