Right up front, I am going to let you know that I struggle with the subject of maintaining happiness and stability when my adult child has cut off communication. My husband and I are going into our 9th month of estrangement from our daughter. I know there are many out there that have had years of estrangement from their adult child or children. That makes my heart hurt. I feel great empathy for others who are going through this distance that we have with Rachel. I would not wish this on anyone. It is agony. Which is why I struggle with maintaining happiness and stability. Tears are always right at the surface. My nerves are shredded. Yet, I am finding that it is becoming easier to allow myself to be happy regardless.
As a mother, like other mothers, I have tied my happiness with the happiness of my children. I want to see them succeed and if they are struggling, my first instinct is to help. I am the first to admit that I want to save my children from the same struggle that I had. Growing up, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. We did not have much money, and my mother was the main money maker in the family. I started working at age 12 and I haven't stopped since. I did not spoil my children and they didn't always get what they wanted. I did work to make sure they had what they needed. I had to work and work and work. I put myself through college and had to work full-time. Financial distractions kept me from doing all that I wanted and dreamed of doing. I didn't want my children to have that struggle. I have helped when and where I can help. I am pretty sure that is where I failed with Rachel. I helped too much. It backfired. I invested too much of my own identity into my children and their happiness. That is where I lost myself. I believe that happens to a lot of mothers. Somewhere between, working, being a wife, and having children, I forgot that I am a person too. I began to resent it, then eventually, I became resigned to it. One day I woke up and have what I thought what going to be a helpful conversation with my daughter and it turned into an estrangement. Really!?!? Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Where am I? Who am I, if I am not the mother of 3? How do I even explain this to anyone? Where did "I" go?
I asked myself, if I could go back to 21 or 22, knowing what I know now, what changes would I make and what would I do? I decided that whatever the answer to that question was, I would take that path. That is exactly what I am doing. The thing that is different is that I am armed with a lot of information. I am a singer. A really great singer. I want to learn all the languages I can, it will help me as a singer. I am traveling to Italy this Thursday to perform and work on my singing. I haven't allowed myself to invest in myself ever. I have the freedom and the time now. My children are grown. I am here to help them if they need it, however, my parenting years are now over. That is something that no one explained to me. Once they grow up and leave for college, or have a job and can support themselves, I am no longer responsible for them. They are responsible for themselves. I can stop now and just enjoy them as adults and I can enjoy my own life. Whether my estranged adult child EVER communicates with me again, I can move on and be happy. Just like when my son died 31 years ago, a day came that I laughed again. When something really funny happened, I laughed hard. It felt good. I felt life coming back into me: life and hope.
Today was very busy. I had to do more last minute preparations for my trip out of the country. I had students to teach, make-up lessons to schedule, and practicing to do. All of these things bring stability back into my life. I feel like I am beginning to breathe again. I want to do good things for myself again. I am ready to have fun, meet new people, and see new things that I have dreamed of seeing and doing. It is good. God is good. It is another day that I am moving forward. I checked in with my daughter, Rosemary. We didn't get to speak. Our paths did not cross today. She is very busy working with her touring company on their summer productions. It is ok. It used to hurt my feelings if I didn't get to talk with her, and she didn't take time for me. I realize that is unhealthy behavior and thinking. I used to think, "I am her mother, if I call she needs to answer!" Now, I think, "She is busy and I am so proud of her." I moved on and kept working. My identity is found in God and myself, not in my children. They have to find their own path. My happiness is up to me. My stability is up to me. I am responsible for those things. The closer I get to God, the more I find myself able to see my life and who I am as an independent person that is capable and able. I am no longer lost, I am found. How did I find happiness and stability? By letting go of what was not mine to begin with. It all belongs to God.
In the Fall, Nelson and I are planning to take Ballroom Dance lessons. We have always enjoyed dancing together. We are working on our relationship and our communication. We never really had the chance to date. I had children already. The time has come. I think the best things I have done through all of this situation is to take deep dives into myself and work on my relationship with God and my husband. In my prayer time everyday, I ask God to guide me, grant me wisdom, and heal me. Heal my mind, heal my heart, heal my spirit. I pray to God he rescues me from all darkness and leads me into the light. I can feel the deep depression I have been living in, leaving. Don't be deceived, it isn't just suddenly gone. I have to make a decision every single day to walk in the light. I have to plan how I am going to walk in the light. Then...I make the decision to walk in the light. Lastly, I take action and walk in the light. Evaluation, Set-An-Intention, Take Action. I talked about this a few days ago. This is what I do. As a result, I can see the depression fog clearing. The thing is, I have realized that I have to do this every single day, just like a drug addict or alcoholic makes a decision everyday to not take drugs and drink. I have to make the decision to live this way every single day. I have to work my program every single day. That is what is making the difference.
I am proud of myself for making the decision to go work in Italy. It is only me. I am going alone, well, not exactly alone, God is going too. I am doing the work. I am investing in me. God will help me. He is showing me the way. I am getting out of my comfort zone and seeing if I can walk on water with Jesus. My eyes are firming set on Him.
No matter what, everyday I think of my adult children, Jacob, Rachel and Rosemary. My three amazing gifts from God. I am just learning that they have to put their eyes on Jesus too. My staring at them is just a distraction from my eyes being on where my eyes need to be, on Jesus. My best idea for myself is to not let any distraction to keep me from my purpose. That is my plan, and I am happier and more stable for it.
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