The biggest question I have to ask myself is, "What do I want?" Of coarse, I want my estranged daughter to speak to me again. I also want to have a life that I love and that I feel good about. As a mother, there is a trifecta of identities that I deal with in my life. I am a wife, I am a mother, and I am just me. It is terribly hard to separate those identities. I think that becomes doubly so when you are a woman in the south part of the United States. No matter how progressive we have gotten, we have be taught to be polite, smile, get married, be a good wife and have children. Once you have children you are supposed to have a job and be a good mother. After a while, I forgot who I am, and I question if I ever knew. I did what I was told. Honestly, now that I can see my life more clearly, I believe it was just plain brainwashing. I never really had my own identity, other than singing. That is what I am working on now, in Italy, answering the question, "What do I want?"
I am challenging myself over the next two weeks to put some serious time into thinking about it and deciding what I want. I am digging into the question. It is a serious question, a defining moment. I am working on me. This sounds very selfish. Honestly, yes, it is selfish. I have spent a lifetime doing things just to please other people, and it affected my nervous system in a negative way. I have to choose me. I am working on my recovery and listening to God. I started out in my work today, being a bit timid. I think I am going to dive deeper tomorrow. Challenging myself is what I need to do. I need to find the voice within me.
When Rachel cut off communication, I felt as though she cut a part of my heart out and took it with her. I am still just trying to breathe through it all. There are days I feel are more solid than others. I think a part of her reasoning was to establish herself and know that she can function on her own. Do I think she could have spoken to me and discussed her feelings? Yes!! I believe this whole thing would have been better served if we had been able to sit down and have an honest conversation. Since that is not how this happened, I can only deal with my side of the problem. Do I believe it will all work out for the best and for the good of our family? Yes, I really do. It is just hard work to figure it all out. It takes strength and stamina. I pray God walks me through this difficult journey every single day.
I can't make her talk to me. I can't make her call. I can't snap my fingers and all of this is fixed. What i can do is work on me, improve me, and figure out me. Those are things I can control. That is what I want for now. I want to keep improving me. Anything else just keeps me frozen. I have had enough of frozen. I want to keep moving forward, even if it is only an inch at a time. I keep doing what I am doing, until God tells me to do something else. It is what I want to do and what I must do. The best thing I do for myself is to write this blog. it helps me to make sense of things and get clarity. I am grateful.
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