In my life, I have set so many goals. I am a dreamer. I am not just a dreamer, I am a doer. Some of my plans have worked out and some have not. I look back on all of it and realize that I learned something from everything I did. I learned how to say yes, and how to say no. I learned what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. For the first time, I feel that I finally have the ability and choice to do something great. I finally have the time and I have no excuse to not do the work. I make my plans, dedicate them to God, then trust Him to put my path in front of me. I trust Him to walk before me.
I am letting go of fear. Fear is our enemy. Fear is the greatest tool the enemy uses to keep us from reaching the purpose God has for us. When the estrangement began with my adult daughter, I was filled with fear. What if she never speaks to me again? What if I lose her? What if...I was so filled with fear and despair that all I could think of was the fact that she had chosen not speak to me or Nelson, she had chosen to separate herself and put up a wall. I cried so much. I still cry periodically, not as much as in the beginning. In the beginning, I felt abandoned, betrayed, and rejected. I know that our estranged adult daughter was just thinking about stopping the pain that she was feeling. At this time, I am very sorry for the pain she was and maybe still is feeling. I pray everyday that she is getting the help that she needs to work through her pain, to find healing. It is a terrible feeling to know that your child is in pain, adult or not, and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. When she was a child, she went through a lot of terrible learning and health issues. She was in and out of doctors offices and hospitals. I homeschooled her longer than I did her brother and sister, as a result. I can tell you from experience that seeing her struggle to learn, and struggle with her health was very painful. I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. However, this is her journey. Now, as an adult, she has chosen to pull away, not speak to us and do things on her own. It has been heartbreaking. I have learned so much about myself. It has helped me to no longer be afraid of doing the things that I need to do in order to set my course and give it to God and follow Him, as He guides me to the things He has promised to me and to Nelson.
Following Jesus in His footsteps is challenging. It is getting me up early in the morning and teaching me to be intentional about my time. I have wasted days in the past year or two. I was depressed and stuck. When I say early, I am becoming a member of the 5 am Club. I am learning to become a morning person. I have to gain time somewhere to accomplish all that is set before me. I can see that God is putting my steps in order. I can no longer afford to hold on to the fear that held me back. I prayed for God to take away the fear, and He did. He answered my prayer. Today, I prayed for my estranged adult daughter to have her own chains of fear removed. I pray everyday for her return. Tomorrow, we have family therapy. I pray that she will be comfortable enough one day to join us. Until then...We wait on God's timing, and I keep following Him.
Every day belongs to God. Everyday is a gift. I don't have any desire to spend anymore of my life grieving and mourning. The Kingdom of God is at hand, and I want to spend my time helping His kingdom to be built. It is a better use of my time and resources. God holds my estranged adult daughter in His hand. He is more capable of giving her what she needs than I am at this point. I trust Him to do that. I have got to put my energy into what God is calling me to do. I know He will provide all my needs.
Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I would love to hear your story.
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