What is the first thing we tend to do when something hurts us deeply? We tend to call our family and friends and reach out for support and aid. After a while, we need to take a look at what real healing is, and how we can do it and need to do it alone. It isn't that we don't need the love and support of others, it is that fact that when we are hurting and need to heal, we are the only ones that can do it. Involving others doesn't help. If I had surgery and need to learn to walk or talk again, I would need the support of my loved ones, however the work to accomplish the healing is mine and mine alone. It is the same with a broken heart and deep emotional and mental wounds. The work that is needed for my own healing is between me and God alone.
I believe my daughter chose the list above. I believe when things got overwhelming for her, she chose the things on the list above. It is a very wise choice. I have to say, I am choosing it for myself. I also know that there are a few things I can do that will help me to heal in a better way. I have realized over the past few months that no one is going to be able to help me heal except God and that my complaining and crying and talking about it with others isn't helping and can be overwhelming to the people to whom I am talking. I even realize that I need to change the course of what I am writing in this blog. I started out pouring out my pain over the estrangement with our adult child. It was what I needed at the time. Now, I find that I need to do something that is more helpful to me and to whomever reads this blog. There is only so much whining a person needs to do in one lifetime. Heal or not, it is up to me.
We are starting family therapy tomorrow. God is with me no matter what happens in this first meeting. It is the first step to learning new family habits and breaking the chains of the generational problems that Nelson and I brought into our family and to follow God and allow the broken parts to be mended. I am in my own therapy and so is Nelson. I can't speak for what he does in his therapy, however, I know in mine, I am working on developing better ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. I am learning to choose to keep focused on doing the work towards my goals, even if I have something to upset me or fill me with anxiety. Today, after I worked with my students, I told myself, "You did a great job! I am proud of you!" That is a good habit to start.
I am adding getting back to the gym and eating a 1400 calorie a day, high protein diet to my regimen. I am spending my quiet time in the morning with Bible Study and prayer time. I am working on clearing my mind and breathing. I am committing to saying, "Yes," ONLY to things that bring me joy and that move me towards my goals and purpose. If it interrupts my work towards those things, I have to say, "No." There are dreams and goals that I have had all of my life. I have to deal with those things for myself. No one else can do that for me.
Training myself to work on my music and delve into the deep world of continually shaping myself into a true artist is the goal that I have always kept in front of me. I have had many things distract me from this path. I am making the firm decision to not be distracted. I gave up so much raising my children and taking care of others. In many ways, it was necessary and I do not regret it. However, when I take a good look at the estrangement I have with my adult child, I realize that by not taking care of myself, I allowed my issues to become a problem for others. Making the right decisions, setting boundaries and doing the healing alone, facing the problems and dealing with them alone, is the best thing I can do. My issues do not belong to anyone but me.
When I say that I need to heal on my own and alone, I mean that I do not need to involve anyone else in filling the void, so that it distracts me from actually listening to the grief and pain and then doing what it tells me I need to do in order to heal. That could mean exercise, mediation, affirmations, prayer, walking, journaling, whatever it takes to heal, that is what I have to do alone. It means not filling every single moment with busyness, so that I can avoid feeling the grief. It is hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is absolutely necessary. It is only then, when I know that I am healed from the trauma, the pain, the sorrow, the regret, and I have learned to love myself and others, that I will be ready for the best that God has for me. Make no mistake, I know God is with me through all of this. I just don't need another human being to distract me from the work that I must do. I want to know the blessing and abundance that God has in store for me on this earth. I alone am responsible to do that work.
I hope this helps someone who is going through something similar. I am looking forward to hearing how you are doing. I am excited for the journey I am on.
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