One day can be very different from the next day, or the day before. I never live the same day twice. One day can be very peaceful, and I feel like I am pulling it together, then, "BAM," something happens the next day, that makes it feel like everything is unraveling again. Why do I feel this way? SURPRISE! It is Family Therapy Day!!
I went to our regular Family Therapy session with a plan. My therapist and I had worked out a plan that I would go in and say that I needed a break from all the issues coming in my direction. I need to feel safe in the Family Therapy sessions, just like everyone else. I need time to process and distance from all the work, and emotional things that have to be worked through. Over the past several weeks, I have had a lot come in my direction from my two adult children that are attending the sessions. Just as discussed in my individual therapy, I asked that I be given a break. Did that 100% happen? Nope! Before we left, I let everyone know that I do not feel safe in Family Therapy. At least not today.
I wrote about the importance of resilience a couple of days ago. I can say today, it is so very important. I had yet another day where estrangement from my adult child took its toll. Estrangement is like a lion that rips and tears everything in you. Everytime I think there is nothing left to tear, I feel another piece being torn from my skin. I will rest and trust that God is His great mercy will heal me and I will find my resiliency through Him and His love for me. I still have hope and focus towards the goals I have set for myself.
It is very dark at times. There are days the sun shines and I feel strong. Then, there are days like today, when I feel as though a darkness has fallen, heavy and thick. I look for the light. I know I will see it.
Nelson did a very brave thing today, and opened up about his own shortcomings in our family. I appreciate his honesty and vulnerability. I wish I had been able to be more present while he was talking. He gave our attending adult children to talk with him and tell them how they feel. I can tell you from experience, that is difficult to do. I wish I could handle it as well as he does. I had a panic attack and was in tears. Ugh.
There are moments that I don't think I am going to survive Family Therapy. There are moments that I don't feel I need to speak at all. Right now, I am just grateful for a little bit of light. I could use the encouragement.
Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I would love to hear from you.
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