I have been in Italy a little over a week. This is day 9 to be exact. I apologize for the daily blog, not being so daily, while I have been here. There has been much going on. My daily schedule is fairly hectic. It is filled with rehearsals, lessons, coachings, classes, and performances. Tonight we have dress rehearsal for our 3rd performance. Time has flown by, I have enjoyed my time here and will hate leaving when Sunday the 7th comes. I have loved every moment.
Today, I am learning about letting go. I have had a dual going on with tension in my singing the entire time I have been here. Unlike popular belief, just because you can sing, doesn't mean it just pops out of you and you know how, anymore than a fast runner without training will end up at the olympics. It takes training to be great. The body, soul, and mind have to work together to accomplish great singing. Here in Italy, I am in the middle of some of the best singers in the world. We all have something unique to give. Tension is not good for a singer. If there is tension, you must listen to the tension and let it tell you the story and guide you to let go. Today, I was in my coaching and I broke down into tears, real heartbroken tears. The reason? I bet you can guess, in three words, my estranged daughter. I finally admitted the situation out loud to people outside of my home. I have not wanted to admit it. There is too much shame and embarrassment involved. However, I think it is a part of letting go. I am human and I make mistakes. I am sure Rachel felt unlistened to and felt that my grip was too tight. That is something that I never meant to do. I cried and called her my baby girl. It was pointed out to me that she is no longer my baby girl, that she is full grown adult and I need to make sure that my vocabulary and my mind accept those terms. I know that is right. I have to ask myself if it is possible that I thought I was letting go of her and letting her grow up and be the adult that she has become, and I really wasn't in the "doing," of that action? Is it possible that I do not trust myself, and the job I did as a parent?
Trust has always been a problem for me. I have been trampled on by so many people. Now, in this moment, I feel that I need to let all of that go, like a balloon that just floats away. By not trusting myself, and giving others a chance, I am just holding on tightly to past trauma experiences. I had rather be in the now. Even if the now has some pain to it.
Today, right now, I feel pain. I also feel joy. The people here performing with me, are kind people. They are my kind of people. I would stay here in this atmosphere forever if I could. This is definitely the culture in which I want to live. The kindness and generosity of this group is incredible. It is real and tangible. So it is wonderful to be surrounded by so much support when I am facing such a painful separation from my daughter.
I will be singing, "Walking After Midnight," as performed by Patsy Cline, in tomorrow night's concert. I am a concert artist. I am learning to let go, and realize that I am not responsible for everything. The ball is in Rachel's court. The game is not over. The score is Love v/s Love. Love gives space, and love trusts. I am reminding myself of that at every moment.
As a concert artist, I can no longer tense up and try to make things happen. Life flows at its own pace and in its own time. Here's to me, letting go and not being tense about anything. Here is to loving and embracing where I am today, now, with all the pain and all the joy.
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