Nelson and I have healed a lot since this whole estrangement began with our adult daughter. We have begun to laugh again, and have normal conversations that don't have anything to do with her. Nelson encourages me in my journey towards becoming Mrs. Tennessee America, and I encourage him in his work at his Health Insurance Office. We are working on ourselves and our relationship. No matter what, there is always a point every single day, when she enters my mind. She is always there, even if she isn't in the front of my thoughts at the time. She is my daughter, and I love her. I do not like what she is doing right now, however, it does not stop me from loving her.
The memories are the hardest. She was the daughter that always wanted to sit with me. She traveled with me, she loved my purse. She told me that Mommy's purses are magical. She said that mommy purses always had everything you ever need in them. She said that she knew that I would always fight for her and come for her. When she cut us off, and asked that we don't communicate with her in any way, it made everything feel false. Did she ever mean anything she said? I heard today, on a podcast, that we can have two different emotions at the same time. I know that is true. The podcaster said that sometimes, your child feels all the love for you, however, there is a part of them that is not expressing the other emotion that they also have going on underneath. It causes me pain to know that she is holding on to something that is bothering her, and that she will not express it, and let us know. Did she feel that we were too immeshed? Maybe so. Did she feel she couldn't be herself? That is probably part of it too. I do not know. I only know that I have these memories of a family, that I no longer have. Her decision has changed our family. I know that God will work this out for our good. I can tell that is what He is doing. It doesn't stop it from being overwhelmingly painful, and traumatizing. The doubt that this estrangement has brought into my life is almost tangible. I doubt every memory that I have in my mind. At times, I don't believe any of it was real. I know what we did, and what we said. I can still hear her saying, "I love you." I just doubt that she is telling the truth. I heard on the podcast that an estranged child can love their parents, but just need time on their own to grow and learn, without feeling obligated to speak, or be involved, or be around their parents at all. I know that I will never be able to understand her choosing this path. I have to continue to tell myself that it is ok that I never understand. I don't have to understand, I just need to love her. I admit, after being hurt so much by her, I doubt myself on that level as well. This estrangement has scrambled my brain and my heart. Even though I am doing better, it is not easy to get better.
The hardest part of it all? I cannot fight for her. I have learned, "Be Still and Know that I am God." I know God will fight for me. I absolutely am powerless. I pray, because prayer has power. I don't. I have faith in God. Even harder, is knowing that it is all in God's timing and God's plan. His ways are better and higher than mine. As much as I want this estrangement to end in my lifetime, I don't know that it will. There is no assurance. Left with nothing more I can do, I leave it to God. I have to leave my heart to God. I place my life in His hands, and I give my estranged adult daughter over to Him as well. If feel the tears well up in my eyes right now, knowing that I may never hear her voice, or see her again, and that has to be ok, because I trust God. Do I doubt God in this situation? Yes! I am human, and I want it my way. i have completely learned that there is no, "my way," in an estrangement. I only have one choice, and that it to place all of my trust in God, no matter what. It is extremely painful. I am changed, Nelson is changed, our other two adult children are changed, our family is changed. In a blink of any eye.
Nelson and I are finding our footing. It is difficult. We are doing better, as I said earlier. We are not on solid ground yet. We will be, one day. I just pray that, "one day," is going to come sooner than later. I am working on not looking back at the memories. What was is no more. Nelson and I are working on making new ones. I pray God's blessing on us, so that the new memories are trustworthy, and do not leave me in doubt. That is my prayer.
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