I am sitting in the airport in Munich, Germany right now, waiting for my flight to Milan. I have prepared and prepared. I brought everything I need with me. It is a bit difficult for my short little frame to navigate the luggage. I'm tough, I can do it! On my way to the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina to catch my flight, we stopped at my mother-in-law's house to pick up one last thing. I had left an important toiletry bag there on a previous trip. Nelson and I didn't have much time, so we packed my bag in the luggage. While we were in that process, Harriett's phone rang. She looked at me with wide eyes, she said, "It's Rachel, do you want me to tell her that you are here?" I said, "No." She answered and began her conversation with my estranged daughter. I could hear my daughter's voice over the phone. I sighed. It was the first time I had heard her voice since this past Christmas. Evidently her car had broken down and she was waiting for AAA to come. She called her grandmother to chat while she waited. While I am glad she checks in with her grandmother, I can't help myself in that moment. I felt sad. I had been so excited and peaceful. At that moment, I felt sad. Harriett hugged me while she talked with Rachel, something I greatly appreciated. Harriett made an excuse to quickly get off the phone and told Rachel she would call her right back. We said our goodbyes and Nelson and I left.
On our way to Charlotte, N.C., Nelson seemed a bit down. I asked him, "Honey, are you ok?" He said, "I'm just sad, in the past Rachel would have called me for that kind of thing." I squeezed his hand. In my mind I searched for something to lightened the mood again, and get my brain going in the right direction. On of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I thanked God out loud for the fact that I got to hear Rachel's voice, even if it was across the room over someone else's phone.
The struggle is real, and it can hit you from any direction at any time. My heart will always pull in the direction of my children. I am so thankful that God knows what I feel like, and is walking me through this difficult situation. I still have my focus on the work I am about to do
in Italy. It hasn't distracted me from that path. I think this trip is the best decision I have made in a while. I will be doing something that I love and I am getting away from all the things that remind me of being a mother. Sometimes you just have to take that kind of time for yourself. Before I was a mother, I was an independent individual. I sang, I laughed, I had likes and dislikes. There was no thought of needing to do anything for anyone else. I can tell you that I am sorely overdue for time like that for myself. Reuniting with me is a good thing.
In this moment, however, my heart wants to call her number and have her pick up so that I can tell her about his adventure I am one. She and I loved to have adventures together. That has come to a sudden and immediate halt. Tears stream down my face as I am writing this sitting in the Luftansa Lounge in Munich. An ocean divides us literally.
I need to close out for now. I have to get ready for my connecting flight to Milan. When next I write, I will be writing from Italy. Please do not wish me luck. Say, "Toi, Toi, Toi!" You can also say, "Break-A-Leg," if you wish.
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