Estrangement is Difficult at Best:
When you are estranged from your adult child, the best you can hope for are days that you can move forward and only think about your child once. At least that is my experience. I am a mother, it is not an option to just not think about my daughter. I think about all three of my adult children everyday. That is motherhood. Being estranged from my adult daughter, like any loss of a child is hell. Soul wrenching hell. “The bottom line is that if you are in hell, the only way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. Misery is, of course, much better than hell, but it is painful nonetheless. By refusing to accept the misery that it takes to climb out of hell, you end up falling back into hell repeatedly, only to have to start over and over again.” Marsha M. Linehan. So there we are, the way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. If we don't embrace and radically accept that we are going to go through a time of misery, we will not get to the healing on the other side. To get to the other side, we will need the support of our spouse or significant other and they will need our support. On days when I am more emotionally available, I am the person on call for my husband. When I am not emotionally available, he is my emotional support person.
Communication and Your Significant Other:
We all have heard how much communication is important in any relationship. Communication has two parts, speaking to inform and connect, and listening. There is never a better time to use compassionate, empathetic communication than during an estrangement with your adult child. Nelson and I work on this every single day. I have to tell you that this exercise, for us, is not easy. Nelson has ADHD and it keeps him stuck in his head. He describes it as three keynote speakers live in his head and they are all giving their presentations at the same time! That sounds extremely overwhelming. It challenges my patience. He doesn't think in the same way that I do. He is messy, I am not. I am a communicator, he is not. He has to think about communicating. He doesn't remember to write down important information that he needs to tell me. He doesn't schedule personal things well. He is great at work. He knows what to do and has a clear plan. His ADHD makes him hyper focus, which is perfect for his job. A lot of the household responsibility has to be planned and executed by me. It can be very overwhelming. I like having sit down business meetings to discuss schedules,, budgets and needs. I like to have them for the month and then touch base weekly to see where we are and if anything needs to be adjusted. If I counted on Nelson to do that, I would be waiting for the rest of my life. Add to all of these daily things of household business, work business, social life, etc., the pressure and stress of an estranged adult child and we have a recipe for disaster. We have had to plan how we are going to react. I made the decision that I was not going to lead with blame. it isn't Nelson fault and he did not make this decision. I do not blame him for the estrangement. I made the decision early on to only look to myself for the reason for the estrangement. The only control that I have is over me and my decisions. Nelson and I also started working on our communication and how we speak to each other. Nelson is a much calmer person that I am. I have to think and identify what I am feeling before I speak to him. Sometimes, I have to walk away and do something else before I speak to him. Since I do DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), I use the coping skills that I have chosen and written out. I have to give myself a coping thought, here is an example: I can make the decision to be kind when I speak, and stand up for what i believe and think. I do not allow myself to start the conversation until I know I can be kind and speak with respect and without being lead by my emotions. It is a lot of work. It takes a lot of practice. I have to breathe and use self-soothing techniques. I have found that due to having Complex PTSD, these are necessary steps for me to take in order to give Nelson the love and support he needs. I practice giving him a compliment everyday and I make sure to remind myself to thank him and show appreciation to him everyday. Nelson copes with things in a different way than I do. He doesn't think to talk about his feelings. He has to stop and think about what he is feeling. His go to coping mechanism is to fix something or do some physical work. He is very good at errands and chore lists. I do not expect him to feel the way I do, (although, the truth is, at times I wish he did). I definitely do not cope with our daughter being estranged from us in the way that Nelson does. I am up one day and down the next. Acceptance of our differences and respecting each other for them is very important. I may not always like the way he deals with it. I do work to accept that because it is different doesn't make it wrong. Being a team right now and working together to give support to each other is absolutely what has to happen if your marriage or partnership is going to last through this time of our lives. It is a day to day, moment by moment decision to love when you feel needy yourself. Estrangement from your adult child does make you feel needy and alone.
Nelson and I made a commitment to one another before God, "For Better or Worse." I have to say, we have had more than our share of worse. We are looking forward to the better. Until that happens, Nelson and I have each other's backs. I lean on him, and he leans on me. That is the way it works. It is too easy to see each other as the enemy. It is work to decide to be committed to believing your spouse is your best friend and ally.
I love you and I am grateful for you goes a long way. Remember that estrangement with your adult child is a healing journey for you. I know that it is for me.
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