I was listening to the "Reconnection Club," Podcast with host, Tina Gilbertson, this morning as I was getting ready to go to Nelson's office to assist him. I listen to this podcast on YouTube. This particular podcast's subject was, "How to Process a Letter from Your Estranged Adult Child." I listened carefully to the advice she was giving. She is a really great therapist. I like hearing what she has to say on estrangement and the encouragement she gives to parents. She has a way of explaining the issues that cause estrangement from the side of the adult child, however, she gives solid suggestions parents to inspire parents to seek the help they need from a good therapist and have compassion and empathy for the estranged adult child. I understand, that if you are like me, the initial reaction to the estrangement is, "Why do I have to change? I didn't do anything to provoke this situation! I am the one that is hurt and rejected!" You are not wrong your feelings are valid. However, if we sincerely hope to have a relationship with our estranged adult child again then we have to take a look in the mirror and decide that if having a connection with our adult child is worth the effort to change. I believe that it is.
When I first read the letter that our estranged adult daughter finally sent, I was devastated. Since the day she stopped talking to us, I have been reeling from the rejection and disconnection. I have gone through so many emotions. I have screamed and cried and wailed. I have grieved and mourned. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. They come in waves. My anxiety has soared. The only good thing about the letter is that she asked us to not communicate to her at all. No emails, letters, texts. Nothing. As painful as it is, Nelson and I respect her boundaries. Why is this a good thing? It has given me time to do further research. What I have found is that it is just fine for me to feel my emotions.
When I was little, I was constantly told I was too emotional. I was asked to not be so sensitive. I was told I could be angry all I wanted to as long as nobody knew it. I learned to stop expressing myself. I learned to hide what I wanted and what I was feeling. I began to criticize myself for the feelings that I have. I have trouble accepting them. For a while, I didn't want to feel anything at all. I pretty much only felt fear and anxiety. Now, I am learning that it is fine for me to feel my emotions. It is normal in an estrangement with an adult child to feel rejected, angry, resentment, sadness, depression, despair, sorrow, grief, loss, separation, fear and anxiety. The list of emotions can go on and on. I can allow myself to feel these things and to embrace the fact that I feel them. The question remains, "What do I do with all these emotions and how can I express them in a way that is healthy and beneficial to me as I navigate the treacherous waters of estrangement?
Here are some things I have found work for me. First, I pause, and use box breathing. Box breathing is a technique in which you breathe in through your nose for a count of 5, and then out through the mouth for a count of 5. I do this for 5 minutes. I then use a distraction or something that will help me self-soothe. My favorite distraction is to clean out my refrigerator. Cleaning out the frige, helps me to do something physical, take inventory of what I need to nourish myself and my husband, and do a productive activity. It helps me to move forward. Going to the gym, helps me to do another physical activity that gives me an avenue to take out my anger and frustration. It lowers the cortisol in my body, which helps relieve my anxiety. My self-soothing activities include going to a coffee shop, walking my dogs, crying, journaling, singing, and talking with a friend.
I used to carry so much shame for the things that I felt. I would tell myself, "You shouldn't feel that way." Here is the thing, I feel what I feel and that is o.k. To take a BIG pause and do something to give me distance and perspective from the overwhelming waves of emotion that I feel is a healthy way of giving me the space and time I need to process. I don't want to take out my emotions on Nelson or anyone. I have also learned that it may take weeks of this kind of emotional processing before I am ready to move forward, and that is ok. too. Being patient with myself is the point. Allowing myself to feel what I feel and accept it, is the best thing I can do. That is caring for myself. That is loving myself.
One of the hardest parts of estrangement is not being able to do anything about it. Since I cannot change the situation, I am doing what I can do. I can change me. Nelson and I can change our relationship and our circumstance, and live out the dreams that we have had together. We don't have to stop our lives at all. We can continue to improve. We had dreams together before the estrangement occurred. They are worthy dreams and we might as well work towards making them a reality. We don't have anything to lose. It will only be gain. What emotion am I feeling right now? Joy. I am feeling joy and satisfaction knowing that I am doing things I love to do and working towards my own dreams and goals, despite this thing called estrangement. God is still good, always. I trust He will guide us through.
Please know you loved and enough. Comment below and let us know your story. We would love to hear from you.
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