I apologize, I'm told, stop apologizing, it isn't an apology that is needed. I listen, I'm told I'm not listening. After 5 years of Trauma Therapy, I still don't have enough tools. I have tools to deal with some things. I am getting better in that way. I have the tools to deal with anxiety attacks. I have tools to deal with self-destructive behaviour. I have tools to speak clearly about what I am feeling, before I get angry. Nelson and I have worked on so many different things, and we are doing well, and getting better all the time. With all of this, I still am faced with not being able to communicate well with my adult daughter that is speaking to us. I am exhausted. I am not giving up, I just realize it is time for me to rest. I recognize that I am still in many ways, resisting the idea that there is nothing to do. There is genuinely nothing to be done. As our new Family Therapist said last week, "Sometimes there is nothing to do." The decision has been made, the change has already occurred, like it or not. I am now only causing myself pain, in a situation that no longer has to be painful.
Isn't that what we do? Instead of just embracing change as it happens, we go into resistance mode and cause our own pain. We continue to hold on to the pain. When my son died in 1993, I relived the last moments of his life over and over in my mind. I was attempting to change it. The change had already occurred. It took me a while to accept the circumstance of his death. It was extremely hard. I resisted the change. He was alive one minute and dead the next. I didn't want him to be dead. I tried to stay in the last moments of his life. No matter what, the change had already occurred. There was nothing to do, just like now. Maybe it was easier to accept because he did die. My estranged adult child is not dead. She has removed herself from my life. Feelings of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment linger, like the smell of spoiled food on a hot day. You just want to get rid of that smell. You have to open the windows and allow the smell to escape and dissipate. It takes time. There are days when my patience runs thin. As I write this, I realize that I am punishing myself. Maybe, just maybe, it is me that needs to forgive me.
I cannot resist the change anymore. The dynamic of my relationship with my adult daughters, most specifically, my estranged adult daughter has changed. Resistance is futile. It is time. I did not enjoy the conversation I had with my other daughter today. I think I just need to give myself a break. I wish that break meant I was going to Bali for a month. I think I will settle for walks along the river, and a trip to Nashville with my friend, Preston. I will also continue to go to the gym. The pain will stop when I stop resisting the situation. There is nothing more I can do.
I thank God for carrying the burden for me. This one is just too heavy.
Please know we are praying for you, and that you are loved and enough.
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