Tonight, Nelson, my friend, Preston, and I went to a karaoke place for chicken wings. No, I do not do karaoke, neither does my husband or Preston. We just thought it would be fun to watch others and have some chicken wings. We did have a good time. It was a good idea. We all need to blow off steam and laugh. Laughter is a good way to heal. Laughter lowers my anxiety and helps me feel more like myself. The people singing karaoke were having a good time, and we sang along at our table. Great fun was had by all.
It has taken quite a while for me to start feeling myself again. I work on it every single day. Each day I make the decision to do good things for myself and inch forward. That is the best I can do under the circumstances. While someone was singing karaoke, they had chosen the song, "To Make You Feel My Love," tears started streaming down my face. My daughters had danced a ballet to that piece when Nelson and I got married. All I could think about was how beautiful they both looked, and how precious that moment was in my life. In that moment, at our wedding, watching the dance, I could never have imagined that one day in the future my daughter would stop talking to me. So, now, I forge ahead. Some days are better than others. This one was pretty good.
I do research to help myself. I work with my students. I practice. I have a therapist. I journal my prayers, I work with my dogs. Honestly, I am making it up as I go. I keep what I want to do in my focus. There are things that I am determined to accomplish. If we are all transparent, I believe that we all would admit we are just winging it as we go. I am not saying that imposter syndrome is what is going on, I do not feel like an imposter. I just know that I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what to do. That is why I research and read books, listen to podcasts, and go to therapy. Also, I pray A LOT! It is hard to know which decision is the best decision and the right decision. All I know is that now I am taking more time to work out what it is front of me, before I jump into a situation.
When I look back on what I believe I contributed to the estrangement with my daughter on my part, I believe it was my anxiety, lack of control and coping skills for the trauma and anxiety that I experienced that led to the estrangement. I believe that my daughter needed to get away from the issues that I was having. That is a hard thing to admit. I ask myself, was I winging everything then or now? Right now, I am simply living to move forward and do better.
I am proud of myself. I am proud of the changes that I am making and the work I am doing. I am proud that I am moving forward. I am proud that I am building a new life for myself. I am thankful to God for providing the opportunity and the support system. An estrangement is like a divorce. Especially one that comes out of the blue. You had a relationship and then suddenly you don't. It leaves you spinning with self-doubt and heartache. Nothing happens within a relationship that doesn't have two parts. Relationships have two people. My job now is to improve myself daily. That is where the singing helps and the winging it stops. I know what to do within the parameters of improving myself. I am grateful that I do.
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