Today, I had my individual therapy that is outside of our weekly family therapy. Yes, I have two different therapy appointments per week. Sometimes more if I have an emergency. That is what it is to have Complex PTSD. Emotions can be overwhelming, and I can find myself almost drowning in the tidal wave. Panic Attacks ensue, and then the tears start and I have a hard time breathing. I am working on my DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), it helped in this past family therapy session, and though I cried, I was able to use the DBT to reset, and I was able to finish my day well.
I have found that I have a HUGE problem with perfectionism. My father was totally blind. That is not a metaphor, he was genuinely totally blind. As a result, everything had to be done a certain way. Don't leave your toys in the floor, daddy could trip. Push your chair all the way under the table so that daddy doesn't run in to it. Leave the door either all the way open, or all the way closed, so daddy doesn't run into it and crack his head. Never leave your shoes on the floor, don't touch daddy's things, don't move anything that daddy put down, don't sit in daddy's chair, make sure your always clean the counters, so daddy doesn't stick his hand in something sticky or dirty, and the list goes on and on. There was also making my bed up when my feet hit the floor. Daddy would come in and do an inspection to make sure the bed was made before I left them room. The consequence of not doing any of those things was harsh. I was beaten with a belt. When in school if I made a grade below a 90, I was grounded for months at a time. My fear and anxiety was very high. From the time I was born, I was taught to do anything and everything daddy said, in order to avoid the harsh punishments I received. I was not allowed to show anger. I was not allowed to be late. I had to come immediately when called. In the Summers, I had chores from 8 in the morning, until daddy said the chores were done. Play time could only take place when he was not working. If daddy wanted to go swimming, I could go swimming. My brother and I called summertime, boot camp. I could go on and on describing all the things that happened that taught me to be a perfectionist. I was not allowed to mess up.
I like everything to be right and orderly. I want everything to be clean and perfect. When things are out of order, it triggers a feeling of disappointment and discouragement. I have to work to let things go and allow papers on the counter and dishes in the sink. In my therapy, I am about to start a workbook called, "The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism." It is guided work to build skills to help me let go of self-criticism, and to Build Self-Esteem and Find Balance. I have a lot of work to do.
There are times, I just don't get it. The emotional ball comes and I swing and miss. Nelson, is extremely balanced. He can just let things roll off his back. I pray that God helps me to become more balanced. I am glad my husband is steady and solid all the time. (Well...at least 90% of the time I am glad he is steady and solid all the time. Truth be told, I wish he would get more worked up sometimes, but that is a different story. LOL). I really have trouble understanding how some people can be calm, cool, and collected, and then I freeze, or I fight. That is the panic response, that I am working on. If I make it out of a difficult conversation and stay focused and leave without feeling terrible about myself, or second guessing myself, I feel good. I feel like I accomplished something. I feel like I am moving forward.
This estrangement from my adult daughter, has sent me into swinging wildly at all kinds of pitches that come at me. I am concerned I will strike out. I have spent a lot of time with DBT, working to incorporate the process of two things that can happen at one time. Example, I can make mistakes as a parent, and still be a good mother. My reaction to the estrangement was to feel as though I was not a good mother. I have felt over and over again that I have failed as a mom. I stopped drinking from my coffee cup that says, "World's Best Mom." I do not think that I deserve that title right now. It makes me too sad. I had to take down the pictures of my estranged adult child. They were too painful to look at and I had to do something to keep myself from crying all the time. I have a hard time, and I do not get it, Wen friends say to me, "Just let her go," it is not helpful. I find it to be unhelpful and unsupportive. I have let her go, don't get me wrong. At this point I have made peace with it. I am just writing these things to say that making those decisions and working on them is tough. To become a healthier person is my goal. I do not know if I will ever see her again or not. At this point, I am living and making decisions with the thought that I will not see her again. I do have hope. I am praying for God to speak to her, and bring her back into a relationship with Nelson and me. I cannot foresee the future. All I can do is live my life and work on me. As you can see from all I wrote above, I have plenty of work to do all on my own. When all of this is over, (if it ever is), I pray that I will hit a homerun.
Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I want to know your story.
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