Today is December 27, 2024, two days after Christmas. Nelson and I survived. All the plans and festivities that led up to Christmas are over. I love Christmas and all of its busy and hustle. I love the lights, and the cheer. This year was harder. For the first time, our estranged adult daughter was not here. There was no phone call, or even a Merry Christmas text from us to her or from her to us. Her stocking did not hang from our mantel. There were no presents for her under the tree. I have spent the past day or so working on mending my heart. My heart needs a huge band aid.
At first, I thought I could handle it. I had been dealing pretty well over the past couple of months. She is an adult, and neither Nelson, nor I chose this path to walk. She did. I had come to grips with that, (or at least I thought I had). Maybe, I have, and Christmas just poked a hole in my healing heart. I'm just not sure. As Christmas day went on, and we were closer to the late afternoon, (that is when we celebrate our Christmas with Nelson's mom and our other two adult children), my anxiety grew. By the time my son and my future son-in-law showed up, I was near a full blown panic attack. I could barely breathe. I felt like I was going to explode. Our adult daughter came, and I had to sit down. I used box breathing. I prayed out loud, "Jesus, help me!" Then I heard my therapist's voice, "Crystal, you don't have to battle this, you can take something to help. Don't suffer." I was grateful to God for reminding me of her words. I took my medication. Pretty soon the anxiety dropped and I felt normal again. We opened presents, read a Christmas Story, ate dinner, played games, and laughed. It ended up being a wonderful evening. I am thankful, and blessed.
Yesterday, my children's paternal grandmother had to go to the hospital. Her blood pressure went up. They all rushed to the hospital with her. She ended up being fine, thankfully, and they sent her home. This made me start wondering...When someone has a physical ailment, understandably, we all rush to the aid of the person to show concern and support. However, when someone has a mental and emotional ailment, we distance ourselves, and leave them to their own devices. Don't both of these events need the same amount of support and concern? Doesn't the person that is having anxiety, depression, or suffering a loss need someone to check on them and show up for them as well? Isn't that what Jesus did, and still does for us? He came to heal the blind, the sick, the lame, AND to heal and be near to the grieving and the broken hearted.
Everyone in my family is feeling a part of this brokenness. Nelson's mom would like to have her whole family together in one place. My adult son and daughter, in order to spend time with Nelson and me, have to leave their beloved sister to do it. Their Dad, stays away, and is silent and distance. He speaks to our adult children and spends time with them, however, has no support to give to me, as the mother of his children. It wasn't always that way. We were friends. We had remained friends, even though divorced. Now, I can barely get two words from him. The whole dynamic of our family has shifted. I know it will never be the same. For now, I am sad about it. We are in a very hard season.
Do I believe that things can change? Yes. Do I believe that God is working for our good in this situation? Yes. Is this taking a huge amount of trust and faith from me? YES! My faith is growing every single day. Just like my dogs follow me from room to room, I am following closely to Jesus. I am asking him to heal my mind and my heart. I am asking for Him to help me forgive and love unconditionally. I ask Jesus to meet my estranged adult daughter where she is at, and heal her as well.
I do not know her anymore. I trust Jesus with that part too. Walking in faith is work. It means doing hard things. I am angry at this situation. Choosing to love anyway is definitely doing a hard thing. Forgiving over and over and over, every single second, is a hard thing.
Please pray for us during this time in our lives. We need the love and support.
Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. We would love to hear from you.
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