The email from my estranged adult child, with explanation, finally came. It was the kick in the gut we were expecting. The pain and anger she is feeling is overwhelming to her. The pain, hurt, regret, feelings of powerlessness, loss, failure and grief are overwhelming to me. Facing the fact that you failed as a parent, and it caused your child pain, is horrific. There is nothing more I can do or say. She asked us to not contact her at all. No emails, no texts, no letters or cards. Not that I was doing that much. I randomly sent her an email every 6 to 8 weeks, maybe even less. I did not text her unless I sent an email to let her know I had sent an email. I had no idea if she received them or not. For all I know, she could have been deleting them. The most recent email I sent was a specifically crafted email that I had done to apologize to her for anything I could have done to cause this estrangement. I followed the instructions from experts in the field of estrangement. The only good thing about it was that she responded and explained her position. I appreciate that much at least.
She said in her email that she forgives us. She just is dealing with too much hurt and anger to be in a relationship with us at this time. I suppose that is fair. We accept the things that she said. Her feelings are valid, because they are her feelings. As her parents, it doesn't really matter what we feel. That is part of the job as a parent. I have to put how I feel aside and deal with that in my own therapy. I have to find my own outlets to release my feelings. At this time I could spew out all kinds of things about how I feel. Hurt, anger, frustration. The Bible says in James 1: 19-20 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." The Bible goes on to say in James 3:6, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." To be like Jesus is the goal. To accept responsibility for myself and myself alone is probably the hardest job I will ever do in my life. Accepting full responsibility, period. Apologizing and giving no excuses for my behavior. For my adult estranged daughter, any justification behind any of my actions on non-actions make no difference. She is in pain, and that is all that matters. She is an adult, and as an adult she has to take responsibility and work out her own pain, in her own way. I cannot help her with that part of her life. As hard as it is for me, she has a harder job. She has the hardest part.
Do I think this is a waste of time? Yes. Life is so short. I have already lost one child years ago. I do not want to lose another. Yet, I do feel as though I have lost her. My grief is deep. I have cried and cried. She is gone. Forever? I do not know. Will she come back? I do not know. The only thing I do know is that this has changed me. My heart is completely broken. As I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me, "I will put it back together in a better way." I understand that it will take time.
I can say, that Nelson and I are committed to doing what we have to do to heal and strengthen our relationship. That is the best that we can do for our family. I look at photos of my family, and our smiles. The many photos of us laughing and having a good time. The closeness that we all shared. Now, that dynamic has drastically changed. All it took was one wrong turn that started out seemingly insignificant. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I will never be the same, Nelson will never be same, and our family will never be the same. My sincere prayer is that in never being the same, it will turn into something better. Right now I do not know the future. I only have now. So...today I have been cleaning house. I am sweeping out the dirt and dust from the past. I am changing out and updating photos. I am getting rid of past things that I have held onto that have no real value or significance now. Things have shifted and I want my surroundings to reflect our life now, not our life then. What has happened between us and our estranged adult daughter is now a thing of the past. When I feel like crying, I allow myself to cry. I do not allow myself to deny my feelings. I have always faced the storm. I have never run from a storm, nor have I hidden from one.
I will use the words, my daughter used when she ended her email to us. Until then...I am looking at my memories that were happy and good, and thinking of the words of Humphrey Bogart, "We will always have Paris." I love you Rachel. My door is always open, and the kettle is always on.
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