This was a tough day. Nine months have gone by since my daughter had any communication with me, and then another major issue cropped up. It made me wish I was back in Italy. Truth is, it made me wish I was anywhere, just not here. It isn't the location, it is the circumstance. It would be great if I could only deal with one issue at a time. Now I have two. It really stinks when the people closest to you let you down. It hurts. Pain on top of pain. It really seems endless. Just a merry-go-round. I reached out to my children's dad, just for a little support. I received no response. I cannot tell you how tired I am of the silence. It makes me so disappointed. I am also disappointed in that fact that I trusted a person close to me and they betrayed that trust. Yet, as I write this, I know that tomorrow is a different day, and I pray and have faith that God will keep lifting me up and help me walk stronger tomorrow.
Bad days are inevitable, and people are going to mess up and fail me. My biggest struggle is seeing them make the same mistakes, over and over and over and over, and not having any control over it. At times I feel like I am just helpless and powerless. I have the impression that no matter what I do, the fallout from the mistakes of others is just going to continue to spew all over me. I am exhausted and am at the point that I have to make a decision for myself to not be there for the fallout. I have had enough. I can no longer allow someone else's issue to affect me. I believe I am going to have to make a larger change for myself. I have to ask myself, "Why do I continue to allow this behavior around me?" The answer is, I have believed I don't deserve more. Now I know that I do. I am tired of not being thought of, I am tired of not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I believe that I deserve more. I can no longer tolerate the selfish, self-involved behavior that I have lived with for years. I just can longer give energy to it. I have given and given and given. I am at the end of what I can give.
I have survived another Bad day. Knowing that I have a 100% record of getting through bad days is not enough anymore. I don't want to just live my life surviving bad days!! Yes, I am ranting. I am at a breaking point. I do so much work!! I truly do! I would just like to see the people around me do the same. I cannot express how angry and disappointed I am right now. I have been abandoned and kicked in the teeth by those who are supposed to love me. I am thankful to God for pouring out His compassion and love for me in this moment. This day was difficult at best. I am so thankful for my friend Preston who took me to dinner and asked me to help him celebrate something good he had happen. That made the day more tolerable. Thank you Preston for always loving me. You were God's gift to me today, and I am appreciative.
As for the rest. I am glad it is over. Time for bed.
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