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Today is Wednesday, and that makes it Family Therapy Day. Every Wednesday, at 9 a.m. the four of us, (though I pray one day it will be five), show up to participate in Family Therapy. It is a good thing for us to go. It is a painful experience for us to go. The four of us are stripping away the layers of pain, hurt, and poor communication, to learn healthier ways of relating to one another. I want to be completely transparent, right now it feels like I am needing to take on a whole lot of responsibility for how everyone feels. That is not always the case, as I said, right now it, "feels," that way. I think it will be that way for a while. Today, my son, had past hurts to share with Nelson and I. While I am not going to reveal his past hurts, I am going to say it was very hard to listen to what I did that hurt my son, and make him not feel safe to speak to us. Most especially me. At the time it happened, years ago, I genuinely thought I was disciplining my son. As the story spilled out in front of me, I was shocked to realize that I had grossly overreacted. I had to spend some time today speaking about how my today self would deal with the situation now, that would be different from what my past self would have done. I had to admit, that I know, if the same thing were to happen today, I would react much differently. I felt and still feel so remorseful for what I did. I want you to know, that I did not spank my children, and I never had to ground them. I used other discipline tools, such as, finding their currency, and using that to discipline them, if discipline was needed. This situation had to do with my adult son, then teenage son, and his currency. I thought I was doing what was necessary at the time. I was wrong. As I said, it was a gross overreaction. I cried and cried during the session. I apologized to my adult son. I am so glad he found the courage to share with me how I hurt him. As painful as it is to realize that I hurt my child, I would rather work it out and make repairs to our relationship, than for that always to be something he remembers that was never resolved. No adult has ever come out of their childhood unscathed. We all have bumps and bruises along the way. Some of us are scarred like me. I takes a lot of therapy to work through those scars, and come to healing and peace. When I was growing up, I did not get the resolution that I am working to give my children. The attitude was pretty much, "Tough Noogies, I did what I did, get over it." As a result, finding my way through my own adulthood has been difficult. I do not want this type of hardship for my adult child. If ever my estranged adult daughter decides to join us, I pray that I am ready to hear from her as well. I have radically accepted the fact that I am going to cry in family therapy for a long time. My tears will flow until my adult children feel that they have been heard and are good with how I have responded to them. My tears are not for me. As I told my adult son today, "I did this, not you. I have caused my own pain. Anytime, you hurt, I hurt. I am the author of my pain in this situation." A mother hurts when her children hurt. It doesn't matter if they are adults or not. I am just grateful that I am getting the chance to restore my relationships with my family. I am glad that our bond is strong, and that we love each other. Family Therapy is not for parents who are afraid of admitting their mistakes, or place their own ego above their child. It doesn't matter if you as a parent have good reasons for why you did what you did that hurt your child. The only thing that matters is that your child was hurt, and it is up to us as parents to listen to our children, and help repair the pain they experienced, as a result of the pain that we experienced in our own lives. Hurting people hurt people. We have to ask ourselves, "What is still hurting me, and where does it come from?" I grew up with a father who did not want to solve his own issues and as a result, his pain poured all over us. His pain, caused my pain, which caused the pain of my adult children. It is a vicious cycle. It stops NOW! It stops with us. This will not be my legacy. If you want to stand on your principles and plant your flag on that hill, go ahead. If you want to hold on with a death grip to the decision you made that hurt your children and have driven a wedge between you and them, hold on to it. If it doesn't matter to you whether you ever see your grandchildren, stick to your guns and say, "It is how I was raised, so I raised my kids that way. They need to get over it. I did!" With respect, my answer to you is, "No, you clearly didn't get over it and you are still in pain." What are your children worth to you? Are they worth everything, even your life if you needed to give it? If your answer to those questions is, they are worth everything, even my life, then you are ready for family therapy. I can see that is the only way the pain they carry and that you carry is going to end. Be ready to be humble. Love, grace, mercy, compassion, and face down humility is the only way to heal your estrangement. It is the only way our's is going to be healed. That is the truth. Next Wednesday, I will cry again. More to come. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear your story. Nelson and I want to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #humility #cryingisfreedom #letgoofpain #familytherapy #therapy #mentalhealth

In my life, I have set so many goals. I am a dreamer. I am not just a dreamer, I am a doer. Some of my plans have worked out and some have not. I look back on all of it and realize that I learned something from everything I did. I learned how to say yes, and how to say no. I learned what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. For the first time, I feel that I finally have the ability and choice to do something great. I finally have the time and I have no excuse to not do the work. I make my plans, dedicate them to God, then trust Him to put my path in front of me. I trust Him to walk before me. I am letting go of fear. Fear is our enemy. Fear is the greatest tool the enemy uses to keep us from reaching the purpose God has for us. When the estrangement began with my adult daughter, I was filled with fear. What if she never speaks to me again? What if I lose her? What if...I was so filled with fear and despair that all I could think of was the fact that she had chosen not speak to me or Nelson, she had chosen to separate herself and put up a wall. I cried so much. I still cry periodically, not as much as in the beginning. In the beginning, I felt abandoned, betrayed, and rejected. I know that our estranged adult daughter was just thinking about stopping the pain that she was feeling. At this time, I am very sorry for the pain she was and maybe still is feeling. I pray everyday that she is getting the help that she needs to work through her pain, to find healing. It is a terrible feeling to know that your child is in pain, adult or not, and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it. When she was a child, she went through a lot of terrible learning and health issues. She was in and out of doctors offices and hospitals. I homeschooled her longer than I did her brother and sister, as a result. I can tell you from experience that seeing her struggle to learn, and struggle with her health was very painful. I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. However, this is her journey. Now, as an adult, she has chosen to pull away, not speak to us and do things on her own. It has been heartbreaking. I have learned so much about myself. It has helped me to no longer be afraid of doing the things that I need to do in order to set my course and give it to God and follow Him, as He guides me to the things He has promised to me and to Nelson. Following Jesus in His footsteps is challenging. It is getting me up early in the morning and teaching me to be intentional about my time. I have wasted days in the past year or two. I was depressed and stuck. When I say early, I am becoming a member of the 5 am Club. I am learning to become a morning person. I have to gain time somewhere to accomplish all that is set before me. I can see that God is putting my steps in order. I can no longer afford to hold on to the fear that held me back. I prayed for God to take away the fear, and He did. He answered my prayer. Today, I prayed for my estranged adult daughter to have her own chains of fear removed. I pray everyday for her return. Tomorrow, we have family therapy. I pray that she will be comfortable enough one day to join us. Until then...We wait on God's timing, and I keep following Him. Every day belongs to God. Everyday is a gift. I don't have any desire to spend anymore of my life grieving and mourning. The Kingdom of God is at hand, and I want to spend my time helping His kingdom to be built. It is a better use of my time and resources. God holds my estranged adult daughter in His hand. He is more capable of giving her what she needs than I am at this point. I trust Him to do that. I have got to put my energy into what God is calling me to do. I know He will provide all my needs. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I would love to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #keepyoureyesonetheprize #parentswithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy

Let me tell you about my day. I got up and went to Nelson's office with him, where I spent a lot of time taking notes from successful people in the office, in order to support Nelson. We have a great deal of catching up to do. Before we arrived at the office, we went by Wal-Mart to restock sodas in the refrigerator. I accidently fell into a vending business within the office. On their own, people started paying us $1 for the sodas. So...now I keep them stocked in the refrigerator there. I am about to expand the selection, and add snacks. Why not right? It keeps them from having to leave the office, and I don't charge as much as the vending machine in the food court. I have a Scentsy business, so I put up some posts on social media for that business, which I am about to expand as well. I asked a friend, to please help with setting up business Social Media for Nelson. I have to start posting for him and streamlining those areas of Social Media. I came home, let the dogs out, and then taught students. I went out to dinner with my BFF from college, and then I went back to Nelson's office to finishing taking notes. That is a great day for me. I love to work. It also helps with distracting myself from the estrangement with my adult daughter. Sitting around feeling sad and crying about it has done me no good. Now, I feel more like myself, and I have more of a purpose. Netflix. Amazon Video. Hulu. Apple TV. They can only help you hide for so long. Eventually you have to get up off the couch and do something. I am on my knees daily praying over our estrangement from our adult daughter. I am memorizing scripture to fill my mind with God's thoughts and words. I still cry. I allow myself to cry when it is necessary. The more therapy I have, the more I am learning how to express my emotions and embrace them. We all have them. God has them, and I am made in God's image. The difference is that I am human and live in a fallen world. God does not, and His ways are not my ways. I fall prey to how my emotions roll over me. Therapy, prayer, and work help me. My DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), encourages and teaches me to set an intention and then take action on that intention when I feel the waves of emotion rolling over me like a tidal wave. That is why work helps. It is a great distraction from the pain. Another thing I have learned is that sitting around hiding and feeling depressed, and wallowing in the pain, does not pay in any way. It steals. It is a thief. It doesn't add one thing to your bank account. It makes you poor in spirit, poor in mind, and poor in heart. I know that I am much more than the overwhelming tidal wave of pain and loss that I feel. I am loved by God and He still has a purpose for me and my life. If He didn't, I would no longer be here. I work, because I love to work. I find it soothing. I love having goals, and achieving them. I want to see myself achieve for greater than I can imagine. I can do that, because God says I can, and it is in Him that I am confident. I want my estranged adult daughter to come back into my life, but why should she, If I haven't changed in any way? I am getting a move on. I am getting my groove back. I feel that something good is coming. I know it is, even though I don't know what it is. Tomorrow morning, I am starting a new routine. I have set my alarm for 5 a.m. I want to become a member of the 5 a.m. club. I am going to the gym early. I told you in another blog that I have something to announce. I am hoping I can announce that by the end of the week. I have to start the work now. Off to the gym I go. I have BIG goals that only God can accomplish. I want to climb to the top of the mountain, like Moses, and make it into God's presence. I want to finish the race. I am excited to see God at work. The gym is where I have to go. I will be making that an early morning habit, because I want to be in Nelson's Office with him by 7:30 in the morning. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I have lived a life that is tough. I have learned, I have grown, I continue to grow. With God's help, I will see huge things happen. I am glad I am writing this, just so that I can look back over it and see how far God has brought us and celebrate and praise Him for all He has done. I can tell you this, I wouldn't be able to do what I have done today, and I will not be able to accomplish what I am about to do without His power within me. I realize that more and more every day. God is good every single day. September marks a year since my estranged adult daughter stopped speaking to me. Thank you God for keeping her safe and watching over her. I pray He blesses her more and more. I can honestly say, "Thank you, Lord," for this estrangement. If it hadn't happened, I don't know I would be where I am today, writing the words I am writing today. I have found my thanks for this situation. Thank you God. I have found my purpose in this situation. Thank you, Jesus. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #oneyear #estrangementfromadultchild #newprojects #godisgood #loveworking #workout #mentalhealth #DBT #familytherapy #therapy

It is September 1, 2024. Another month goes out, and a new one comes in. This September is different. As September arrives, so does year 1 of our estrangement with our adult daughter. I thought I would be sad. I am not. I am not happy that we are estranged from our adult daughter, I miss her terribly, and love her very much. I am using my DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), technique called, "Radical Acceptance, " to deal with it. I know that I cannot control the separation. She is an adult and makes her own decisions about her life. I know that there is no use in dwelling on it, because I cannot change it. There is no use fighting the past, it will NOT change. I have no power over it. Still I wonder, will she ever come around? When she wrote her one and only email to Nelson and me, she expressed how filled with anxiety and how angry she it at us. She says she forgives us and accepts our apologies. She just can't deal with being around us right now and needs space and time. We are giving her that space and time. We went to church this morning, our adult son attends with us. Afterwards, we eat together. We had a deep, compassionate conversation during and after dinner. We discussed our family therapy, and used the techniques we have used so far. It went very well. During the discussion, I asked my son if he knew whether our estranged adult daughter was getting therapy for herself. He said she was not, to his knowledge. My other daughter said the same thing. (We had talked on the phone earlier). This concerns all of us. We do not want our estranged adult daughter to be left behind. We are all working very hard to improve and become better at building safe spaces with each other. A family needs to be a haven for each member to be able to express their feelings and know they will be heard and accepted and loved. That is what we are working to be for one another. We all believe that everyone needs therapy. In our situation, each of us needs individual therapy, as well as, family therapy. We love each other very much. We all want the best for each other, and that starts with being the best we can be for ourselves. I believe our estranged adult daughter is doing the very best she can. I pray for her every single day. I pray that she gets the healing she needs. I pray for God to protect her and lead her to the person that can help her. I pray that she is successful in her job. She does professional sound design for movies and other media. She is very gifted and talented and intelligent. I want her to be relieved from the weight of anxiety and anger that she has towards us. None of us are willing to leave her behind. We are all praying that as God brings us together and heals the wounds that we each have, through family therapy. We are all praying that the change that God is making in us will shine so brightly that our estranged adult daughter will notice it and want to join us. Please pray that prayer with us. It has been a long year. We are still walking this road of estrangement with no end in sight. Not yet. I believe it is coming. I just don't know when. "We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7. I believe this estrangement will end soon. I do not know what, "soon," means. It is all in God's will and God's timing. He made her, and knows her inside and out. He loves her, and He loves me, and He loves Nelson. She is our daughter and we will not leave her behind. We are waiting for her, patiently. God will do the rest. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson I would love to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy #patience #lovemychildren #godisgood

It has been rough. I know that you know that, I am just saying it out loud. Our life has been ROUGH lately. I have been consistently going after my, "Thanks." That is something that we have to do. In all situations, we have to say, "Thank you," to God. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV says, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I have known this verse since I was a small child. The Bible says, 'In ALL circumstances, not some, not the ones that are pleasant, but ALL circumstances." God is using all circumstances for our good, and everything He does is not to harm us, only to help us. We walk through the fire so that we can reflect Him. We are NOT alone, He is in the fire with us, just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Estrangement makes life rough. I have cried and cried and cried. At times estrangement brought me to my knees. I have cried out to God. God's grace is sufficient, and I give Him all the praise and glory for what He is doing in the lives of Nelson and me, my adult son, and my adult daughter. (It is hard to say adult daughter, because I do not want anyone to be confused reading this. The girls are twins, one is estranged, and the other is not). The one I am speaking of above is not estranged. Family Therapy is helping and we are finding an easier way to communicate with each other. This is all a good thing. Today is a good day. Nelson and I went to his office, we had a good time working there. We then had to go to the Car Dealership to make some adjustments on my car. That was a relief to me. We had our dog Pippin with us, and as usual, he charmed everyone. Pippin is loving and friendly. Afterwards we went to Aldi, and I picked up ingredients to make a Chicken Enchilada Casserole. It was yummy. In the meantime, the Georgia Bulldogs won their game today. It was fun to watch. All in all, Nelson and I had a wonderful day together. AND it rained for a little while finally. It has been dry and hot! It was nice to see then rain. It was a drama free day, and I am very thankful. I am thankful to God for the peace of the day. I am thankful that even with all that has been going on, Nelson and I are finding a way through this hard road we are walking. God is walking us through. Tomorrow, September 1st, marks a year. A whole year has gone by since this estrangement started. That is hard to believe. We saw our estranged daughter this past Christmas, for a total of 7 hours over a 3 day period of time. One hour at church on Christmas Eve, 4 hours on Christmas day, 2 hours at lunch the day after Christmas. We do not expect the same this year. I am planning on her not being here, especially after she sent the letter that she sent us. If she decides she wants to come, she is more than welcome. I am just not expecting it. Our new normal is living a life without her in it. I have handled the loss of a child before. This is not too much different. I grieved and grieved after Jackson died. A part of my heart went with him. God was with me then as well. It took time before I learned to laugh again, and smile again. Eventually, I did. Estrangement has the same effect. It has shifted my heart. There is a technique in my DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), that teaches what is called Radical Acceptance. It goes beyond just accepting the fact that my adult child doesn't want to speak to us. It is radically accepting the fact that there is nothing I can do. I cannot change the situation. It is ok to let go of her and live my life. I am still ok, even though my adult daughter is not in contact with me. Basically it is accepting things as they are, and then going beyond accepting them. I will say it this way, it is accepting acceptance. When you have Complex PTSD, it is a part of what you have to do. I have radically accepted that she is not in my life, by her choice, and I am good with that, I am more than good, I am living my life as fully as I can. It is a good day. I even woke up this morning and thought, "Mornings are great!" I have never had that thought in my life. I am excited about my new life, I am excited about the adventure Nelson and I are on. We are watching God create something out of nothing. That is an amazing thing to watch. I also have something new I am doing that I can't wait to share. I have a few more details to iron out and then I will announce what it is!! Today is a really good day! Please remember that you are loved and enough. Make sure to comment below, Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementrecoveryforparents #estrangementwithadultchild #godisgood #todayisagoodday #newthingsarecoming

If you ask me, "Crystal, what kind of day did you have today," I am going to answer, "Very, Very Busy." I went to work with Nelson, to help him at the office. I then had to go to the doctor. Nothing big, just a well visit. Then back to the office with Nelson. I answered a text message or two for him, while he was in a meeting, did some invoicing for the studio, and then the air conditioner repair person called. I had to come back home to let them in and let the dogs out. I don't know that I have mentioned yet, we have 5 dogs. Four of them are ESA (emotional support animals), and the 5th is ESA/Service. I then had to go back to Nelson's office to help send out more text messages for him and start making a list and a plan for what needs to be done to further his new, growing health insurance business. He is doing a really great job. During the time between the house and my return to his office, he called and told me that a few of the office workers love Scentsy, and want to order from me. So suddenly, I had a "Scentsy Bag Party," going on! That is always fun! It was spontaneous and fun. It helped me to reach a goal for this month. I have one more day and I hope to make some more sales tomorrow. During all of this, I had a lovely conversation with my adult daughter, the one who is speaking to us. It was really nice, and I loved spending that time with her on the phone. It was open, caring, and healing. After all of this, I also received an exciting phone call, and now I am off to the races with yet another project. I am not quite ready to announce this newest adventure. It will be great though, and I will be able to talk about it soon. I can't wait to share it. I just have a few details to nail down first. It feels like a Genesis. A beginning. Genesis 1:1 NIV "In the beginning, God created..." I am excited to see what God is going to do. The Bible says, "Suddenly," and that is the way it all is, "Suddenly." God is at work, creating something that I cannot even perceive. I just feel it growing and coming into fruition. One day at a time, one step at a time. There is an order to it. God is not a God of chaos. He always has a plan for everything, even though we do not know what it is. I do know that it will all work for my good and for Nelson's good, and the good of our adult children. I trust in that fact. God's promises always come true. He is faithful and good. Even in this time of estrangement from our adult daughter, I know that something good is going to happen. I am expecting something good to happen. I do not want to fall into the darkness again. I am climbing out of the pit. God is helping on that climb. He will set my feet on a solid rock, and Nelson and I will have something better and stronger than we have ever had. We are doing things differently now. Family Therapy is helping. My DBT is helping, My individual therapy is helping. Little by little I see light at the end of the tunnel. More changes are coming and I can't wait to see them happening. I am grateful for all those blessings. I am learning to count my blessings again. It is better to have gratitude for what you do have, than grieve what you don't have. I have no power over what my estranged daughter did. Truth be told, the estrangement has nothing to do with me or Nelson. It has to do with our estranged adult daughter and what she is struggling with on her own. I pray for her every single day, and I ask you to do the same. I am grateful she is my daughter. She has to do what she needs to do for herself. I have placed her in God's trustworthy hands. I am over the top grateful for my adult son and my other adult daughter. They are strong, and loving. They are willing to do the work to be a solid family. They are willing to learn and grow and be vulnerable. It is amazing to see. It is so overwhelming to see God at work, creating something brand new. "In the beginning..." Genesis. Thank you Lord. P.S. I am going to have a portrait done of my dogs. I think it is high time! Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithyouradultchild #thankful #gratitude #genesis #lovemyson #lovemydaughter #godisgood

Self-Care is a subject we hear a lot about, and something I am terrible at doing. With all the therapy and family therapy, and things that I know to do, you would think that I would be an expert. I am not. I know what to do, however, I have not done much of it. I am ready to make that change. Growing up, I was taught that I had to take care of everyone else. I had to make sure I always helped Mama. I had to make sure that I picked up all my toys and shoes, (I was 2). The reason I had to pick all of those things up, was because my father was totally blind. Daddy could trip over toys and shoes. Sounds reasonable, right? Until it wasn't. There were so many rules. Push the chairs under the table. Leave the doors all the way open, or all the way closed. Never sit in Daddy's chair. Wipe all the counters down so Daddy doesn't get stuff on his hands. Never move anything that belongs to Daddy. Come immediately when Daddy calls. Make up your bed the moment your feet hit the floor. Come home immediately after school (unless you have band practice). Band practice ends at 5:00 p.m., be home by 5:15 p.m. The table has to be set no later than 5:20 p.m. The list goes on and on. Everything was centered around what Daddy needed and what Daddy wanted. I had to serve at all times. After I grew up, there were still rules. Daddy had to know where I was at all times, even after I got married. Daddy also demanded a key to our house, so that he could come in and out whenever he wanted to, and he didn't like it if he and mama dropped by and we weren't home. Living outside of all of those rules was very foreign. I wasn't allowed to self-care. Self-care, seemed like a completely selfish, self-centered thing to do. Now I am having to learn to self-care. I am learning how to breathe, and think about things I would enjoy doing for myself. I have to think about what I like, and how to have fun. It is quite a job. I have something that I have planned that I want to do, that will be a lot of work, and will help me to self-care. I have goals I want to reach and what I have planned will help me to spread my wings and go for those goals. I am glad that I have decided to do something that I think I am going to enjoy a lot. I am starting now. I have to get myself into really great shape. I am going to workout, lose weight, and learn to eat as healthy as possible. I am working on investing in me. Nelson and I are working together to reach our dreams and goals. I think it is the right thing to do. For the first time in my life, I am doing something just because I want to do it. I am glad for it. It is going to give me a really great goal, and allow me to be on the stage, and meet a lot of new people. I am looking forward to it a lot. I am not yet ready to let everyone know what I am going to do. I will when I am ready. Part of becoming healthy is becoming physically healthy, as well as mentally and spiritually. I am working that out for myself. I see things getting better, inch by inch. I am doing the best I can do to keep reaching to become the best me I can be. I have had enough trauma. I want to have fun. It is time for that part of me to take over. I am looking forward to seeing where this takes us. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below. Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #selfcare #newproject #sparkle

After several tumultuous days, our adult son, our adult daughter, Nelson, and I came together in family therapy. Our family therapist, did an excellent job. She was very prepared. She worked to day with us to help us find common ground and she gave us handouts as a point of reference to use as tools to help us communicate in a healthier, more supportive and loving manner. Each one of us were able to express the way we feel and listen to the other person with respect and love. It was refreshing to have the opportunity to give one another a safe environment to express ourselves without the fear of causing conflict or harm to another family member. I feel like we are on the right path and are finding our footing. Having balance and secure footing is very important as you climb out of a pit, and scale the side of a mountain. We are only in the beginning. It takes time to repair and rebuild and reconnect. The good thing is that we all are willing to do the work. I have never been mountain climbing. I have hiked on some difficult, treacherous trails, however, I have never scaled a mountain. I just looked up what the term means. It doesn't just mean climbing a mountain and reaching the summit. The term goes much deeper. There is a spiritual aspect to it that intertwines with the physical climbing. It is an innate desire to push ourselves beyond our perceived boundaries to achieve what we determine to be impossible. What an amazing prospect! To be able to push past our limited beliefs about ourselves to achieve something much greater than we ever thought we could become. We scale the mountain, to obtain the unattainable. Not everyone is willing to do that type of work. It is not for the faint of heart, and it is not for those who are only willing to take what we are given and leave it at that. It is not for those who live by the mantra, "This is as good as it gets." I was told by a dear friend, years ago, "Crystal, climb higher!" So I am. I realize that not everyone feels this way, so I am just going to say it, "I am a Michael Jackson fan." Whew! That confession is done. I like his music, I am a child of the 80s. He was a big deal. I loved the way he entertained. I think he was amazing. Why do I mention this at this point? I mention is because he wrote and sang one of my favorite songs, "The Man in the Mirror." Here is the chorus: "I'm Looking at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways. No message could be any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change." I believe these words are true. In family therapy today, that is what we all were working at doing. We were working on taking responsibility, speaking gently and kindly, using, "I," language, listening, and acknowledging each others feelings as being valid, even if they are not the same as our feelings. For a lot of people, that is going to seem simple. However, it is not simple. Let's hold that mirror up to ourselves. Do we alway listen and acknowledge others first, before we think about what we are feeling? Or do we just ride the wave of our own emotions, and stick by them as though they are the hill on which we intend to die? Emotions are fleeting and they come and go. What if we could stop a conflict before it ever happens? What if it were possible to repair a conflict quickly in the aftermath? Wouldn't that be a more peaceful and satisfying way to live? I think so. If it means peace and love and joy in my family again, I am willing to gain better footing and scale that mountain. I pray that we all become willing to put aside our feelings to save our families and others. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #mentalhealth #familytherapy #estrangementwithadultchild #climbeverymountain

(Sing this to the tune of The Brady Bunch), Here's the story of The McDaniel Family, who were bringing up three awesome, gorgeous kids. They were great, and lovely children. We enjoyed each and every one. Here's the story of the kids all grown-up. They were helpful and successful in college. The girls graduated, Summa Cum Laude, and one was Valedictorian. Then the one day, Mom had a conflict with a daughter, and that is when the estrangement did begin. The family then went into a painful era, and that's the mess that the parents now are in...Estrangement, Estrangement, that's the way that we live and try to grin. So there you go, the whole story in a nutshell. When my children grew up and even in college, they were a joy. I never had any issues with them at all. They were so good. I loved and enjoyed every single phase of their lives. I worked hard to make sure they had everything they needed. They were very rarely in trouble with us. Hardly ever. They made good choices and were fun. I did not experience the terrible twos and threes with them when they were very little. They were cute and fun. I am not going to say, I never had any challenges, or never had to discipline them. I did. It was just never out of the ordinary and it wasn't daily. I really felt like I was giving them a good childhood. One that I did not experience. I wanted to do things in a different way than I had received. I thought I was doing a good job at with that part of parenting. What I am finding is that I now am going through the terrible twos and threes, the numbers just represent the 20s and 30s. The teenage issues that most parents experience, we are experiencing now. Our children have grown up, are independent and take care of themselves. They have their own lives and are doing well on their own. At least as far as I know. Nelson and I thought that this was the goal, to have independent functioning adult children. The hard part is having a relationship with them. My adult son, I have no problem with at all. He is giving, kind, and always treats others with love and respect. I am very proud of him. He chooses to be positive always. The biggest struggle I have is with our adult daughters. They are twins and are very close. They speak to each other daily. The one that has estranged herself from us is angry at us and filled with hurt and pain, that she wants to deal with in her time and her way. For her, that means to separate herself from us and not have contact. The other adult daughter is still in communication with us, and attends family therapy with us. She and I have difficulty communicating and understanding each other. She said she is scared of me, and to be honest, I am scared of speaking to her. From my perspective, she comes across as disrespectful to me at times. Is that the difference is our generations? That is quite possible. Do I take things to personally? That is quite possible too. I was extremely close to my mother. Maybe I am expecting too much of her. I realize I will never have the relationship with my daughters that I had with my mother. We are different people. I do miss that relationship. It left a hole in me when she died. My closest confident and ally is gone. My daughters are different people, with different interests. I at least thought we would be able to get together periodically and have mother/daughter time. That hasn't occurred. I am now working to fill my life with new things. New purpose. My mother role has definitely changed. I want to enjoy all my adult children. I want to celebrate their successes. I am thankful I can with my adult son. The struggle is real with my adult daughters. I love them so very much. The inquisition has commenced. Tomorrow I attend family therapy again. I am not looking forward to it. It seems that I am relegated to sit and listen and apologize. The more I walk this road, the more I am finding that they just want to be heard and acknowledged. When they became afraid of me, I do not know. I didn't yell or scream. I disciplined when I needed to, and tried to talk to them about issues. If they made bad grades, I didn't punish them or yell and scream. That happened to me. It is something that I said I wouldn't do to my children and I didn't. I was stern at times. I was tired a lot. I had anxiety a lot. Maybe that is what happened. I reacted in ways, I didn't need to. I am human. I am sure that it all came across wrong. The parent role is difficult. It isn't always fun. I am spending a lot of time self-reflecting, digging deep and working to shed as many bad habits and behaviors as I can. I am under construction, a work in progress. I pray that my adult children have mercy and forgiveness for that mess that I am. We are all a mess. We are all under construction. I have to have patience and mercy, forgiveness, and compassion for the fact that my adult children are growing and learning and under construction as well. That is what I am working on. Defensiveness is not your friend. Vulnerability is your friend. I am very vulnerable right now. Tomorrow I go into our Family Therapy session prepared for the worst and with hope for the best. I am going into it prayerfully, knowing that Jesus is going with me. I love my adult children. I have always put their needs first. They may not see it that way, that is ok. At least they are telling me and not Oprah. To have the courage to face the fire, to face the storm, to face the hard stuff, is the best example I can be for them. Even if it hurts. I can tell you, it hurts. It hurts a lot! Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below, Nelson and I want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #familytherapy #therapy #courageinthefaceoffire #mentalhealth #terrible20sandthirties

The video above gives the scientific explanation on how storms are formed. We watch the weather and hope to prepare ourselves for the storms that come into our area. We are most concerned about severe storms. Storms that can cause great damage. We work to be as prepared as we can. Ultimately, we have no control over what the storm is really going to do. When it is severe, damage occurs, that can take days, months, and even years for recovery. That is what Nelson and I are doing right now. We weren't prepared for this storm. As much as we supported and loved our children, this storm hit anyway. It continues to rage. Over the past year, a storm has raged. Every time I think it is beginning to calm down, another part of the storm front comes through. Lightning strikes, thunder rolls, strong winds blow, and I watch the damage it causes. Today, yesterday, and the day before, I admit I panicked as the storm raged. I allowed fear to take hold. When the disciples were in the boat with Jesus and a storm hit, they panicked too. That makes me feel a bit better, sort of. I am struggling to remember that Jesus is the Lord of the storm. I understand that He is the son of God and He loves me. I keep forgetting that I need to meditate and understand His sovereignty. The definition of Sovereignty is: Supreme Authority, Autonomy over all things. Supreme Authority, is worth thinking about. Jesus has authority over all things. Jesus knew this storm was coming into our lives. Jesus is with us in this storm. I want Him to take it away. I pray for Him to remove it from our lives. That hasn't happened. Jesus knew the storm was going to happen when they crossed the lake. In fact, Jesus told them where to take the boat. He wanted the disciples to understand and witness His sovereignty and to learn from where the storm comes and who has authority over it. I realize that in what we are going through with our family, Jesus wants us to recognize that He is with us through this too. He can calm the storm. The question is will Nelson and I trust Him to walk us through it. I am clinging to Him every day. There is no choice. The hardest part is knowing that this is showing me who I really am. It is making me face the storm. It is breaking down any and all parts of me that are not needed. All the junk, all the trauma. I am very frightened. It is scary to sit in front of your adult children and let them tell you all the things that you ever did that hurt them. Not only is it scary, it just plain hurts. I hurt for them, I hurt for myself. My initial reaction is to protect myself from the hurt and pain. Who wants to allow someone to just blast them with all the mistakes, sins, failures that you ever did. I realize that this isn't about me, and if there is any chance for the storm to end, I have to allow my adult children to share their feelings, and accept my responsibility in their pain, and hopefully help them heal, and do a little healing myself. I really wish I didn't have to walk into this storm. I trust Jesus to be there with me. Honestly, it feels like a terrible punishment. I am told that it is not. That doesn't keep me from feeling like it is. I do not want to go to family therapy on Wednesday. For my adult children's sake, I will. I don't know if this is healthy for me or not. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels terrible. Right now I feel very nauseated over it. I know that it doesn't matter. I love my children. I choose them over myself. I face the storm. I pray for Jesus to stand with me. Please pray for Nelson and me. We need it. #facingthestorm #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #familytherapy #mentalhealth

Bad Day Part Deux... Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is attributed to Albert Einstein. I believe he was right. I also know it is time for me to get off of that particular Merry-Go-Round. In the past 24 hours I have had multiple hard conversations with family members. Today, I am done. The cake is baked. The bucket is full. There is no more room in the refrigerator. I am out of space for anything else. I am no longer available to have these same conversations. I wrote in yesterday's blog that working out your salvation is hard. I am here to tell you it is. So is love. Unconditional love is hard. It is hard to continue to show compassion and patience and mercy, when your conversations get shut down, or go nowhere. I literally just want to scream. Maybe I should. I am in a waiting period. I am waiting for our family therapy session on Wednesday. I am waiting for the neutral zone. It is difficult to wait. Especially when you feel like you are going to explode. I just want everything and everyone to stop. I want them to stop and just be kind. There is just so much going on. Nelson and I have an estranged adult child, we have other adult children who want to work out their issues with us in family therapy, we are building a new business, and because we are building a new business our budget is very tight. I am praying every single day for God to bless us and bring us through this season of life that feels like an extremely rocky, stormy, high, dark mountain to climb. There has been much to happen over the years, and it seems unending. I am ready for peace. I pray for peace. I ask you, if you are readying this to stop and pray for peace for Nelson and I right now. We need this to STOP. I am about to go to bed and I am surrounded by my dogs. I am thankful that I have gotten through the day. I need a great blessing to happen right now. I pray for God to grant us a blessing, something incredibly good so that we know He is walking us though and will continue to guide us on this path and be a lamp to our feet as we walk. I can explain my needs and get shut down. So...I try again, and again, and again. It is hard to point blank explain what you need to a family member and then have them let you know that it isn't within their ability to give you what you need. Even though it is a simple request. Nothing complicated. I mean, is it just outrageous to ask for someone close to you to stand up for you? In this case, that is a request that is too much. I feel defeated. I feel worthless. I know those things are not true. I haven't slept and I am tired. I realize it is the day. Tomorrow will be a different day. Tomorrow, I am committing to do something good for myself. I am also making a commitment to stand up for myself. I know no one else will, I will. I am going to have to, and communicate clearly exactly what I want. I can no longer afford to spare the feelings of others, when I feel that I am being walked over and oppressed. Do I want a loving and healthy way to communicate? Yes, I do. I do not want to hurt others. I just know that I am not a doormat for them to blame everything on and wipe their feet on either. I am also making a list of things I want to discuss Wednesday. I have a feeling that all of these are going to be discussed in therapy for a very long time. As much as I want everything to STOP, I don't think it will anytime soon. Again, I ask for your prayers. I admit, the past 24 hours have been challenging and it is certainly stretching my faith and dependence on God. I realize that I am nothing without Him and I cannot do this at all without Him. Today, I wanted to run screaming away. Today, I wanted to disappear. I am still here. I am alive. I understand this is only temporary. Thank you God. Please know you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you, we want to know your story #jesusbewithme #estrangement #estrangedmentwithadultchild #

In the Bible, "Philippians 2:12-13 NIV says, "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed, not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence, continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I work out my body to make sure my heart and muscles are strong, and that my body is not carrying more load than it was meant to carry. It makes me wonder, if I use this same reasoning with my spiritual life, which affects my emotional and mental health, as well as, my physical health, will it relieve the load I feel I am carrying? The answer is, "YES." Working out is hard, no matter what you are doing. Fear and trembling are the correct words. The words humility and respect ring true. Working out always holds a microscope up to my weaknesses and brings me to my knees with humility. Today, in particular, I am face down crying out to God for help. This journey is long and hard. The working out of my faith and salvation is long and hard. Just like in the Rocky movies, (which I love, by the way), I am having to face my fears and shortcomings. The things that hold me back, and hit the gym hard. "Old School," workouts are what I am having to do to build endurance. What I mean by that, is stripping away anything that blocks my ability to stay focused and strip away the extra weight, (issues, trauma, sin, pride), anything that keeps me from displaying compassion, mercy, steadfastness, self-control, etc. In the Boxing Ring, you have to be able to keep taking the punches, and keep going, even when estrangement with your adult child feels like it has knocked you out. I can tell you that the adult children that still interact with me, also land their own blows. I can tell by the conversations that I have with them, (specifically the adult daughter that is still talking with us), that she is in the Boxing Ring with me, working to make sure we are fighting together, instead of with each other. Although, at times when she swings, she knocks me to the ground. That is humbling. Overwhelming and humbling. There are moments, like today, I want to say, "Hey! I am getting out of the ring! I am tired of being hit by you!" As a parent, I don't have that choice. I am in this til the end. That is what I signed up for, and I will continue to learn, listen, get knocked down, get back up, and stay in the fight. That is what love does. Love stays in the fight. Love overlooks wrongs. Love doesn't quit. Love rejoices in the right. Love overcomes. Love remembers only good. Love is patient and kind. Love shows compassion, forgives and is merciful. Love remembers no conflict. Love doesn't leave others alone. Love shows respect. Love is steadfast. I am working out my salvation and faith in order to live out this kind of love. I took down my blog from yesterday. Though it was good, the adult daughter that is in my life, called and expressed to me that it hurt her and made her angry. I heard her, and respect her opinion. To hurt her was not my intent. I was simply expressing my feelings and my point of view, in the face of a situation that left both Nelson and I bewildered. If you read it, you know what it said. Out of respect to her and her feelings, I deleted the post. I love my children more than I love blogging. Even though, this is a forum that I have to express how estrangement has affected me and my husband, I have a responsibility as a parent to listen to my adult children and acknowledge that this estrangement has had an affect on them as well. So...face down in the mud I go. I have no desire to be in a tug-of-war with my adult children. I just let go and fall. This is not martyrdom, this is protection. I got no sleep last night. I am filled with anxiety and I want to cry. I am here in Nelson's office, working to help him as much as I can. Life goes forward. I pray for relief. I pray I am strong enough to walk this path. i pray my adult children are filled with the Lord and that they receive the healing and the love that they need. I pray that I do not falter. Lord, please keep my feet stable and my eyes on you. Psalms 27: 10-14 NIV "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up again me, spouting malicious accusations. I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." As I ponder these verses, I feel that I need to clarify just a couple of things, so there is no misunderstanding. When the verse mentions, "False witnesses, spouting malicious accusations, I am not saying that statement about my adult children. That is not what they are doing. I am saying that our family is under attack from a real spiritual enemy that is at work to destroy us. The enemy is the father of lies and loves to cause families to break up and cause conflict and chaos. I AM saying that the enemy is speaking lies to them and to me. I am simply addressing that, and am asking God to protect us and I am calling out the enemy is Jesus' name to flee and leave us alone. I hope that clears any possible misunderstanding up. Please know that you are loved and are enough. Comment below, we would love to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #hardday #mentalhealth #familytherapy #godbewithme