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There has been so much trauma in my life. It contributed to an overwhelming sense of anxiety, panic and fear. Thus, I have Complex PTSD. Daily, I do affirmations, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and Bible Scripture memorization. I also do quiet time with prayer in the mornings, first thing. All of these things have assisted in my recovery from trauma. A year and a half ago, I had an emotional breakdown of sorts. Nelson was working at a job, where the boss/owner found ways to withhold more and more of the sales team's paychecks. He was constantly changing the rules. There wasn't much support for the sales teams from him. As a result, it was putting great financial pressure on us. I had worked for years and years to get us on solid financial footing, only to watch it caving in. It became such a weight. I wasn't sleeping. I wouldn't leave the house. I had trouble keeping my mind from succumbing to dark thoughts. I felt like a failure. Finally, the struggle became too much. To help us start over and gain better footing, we sold our house in North Carolina. I was scared, but relieved. We moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee. I was finally home. I had been wanting to move home for years and years. I never felt at home in North Carolina. As beautiful as the state is, for me, it was a nice place to visit, but I didn't want to stay. 27 years later, I was back home, where I wanted to live. Right before we left North Carolina, is when the estrangement with our adult daughter began. It was seemingly the last straw for me. Trauma after Trauma after Trauma. It has taken many months to get my mind to clear, and in the right place. I have worked hard with my therapist and now, am beginning the journey with our family therapist. I can see the light and am beginning to see the end of the darkness. The sun is rising. The night has been long. I love the scripture, Psalms 30:5, "For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.' NIV. I am beginning to rejoice again. Though, my heart has shifted in regards to my estranged adult daughter, the shift has not been bad. It has taken away so much fear, and has brought me closer to God. My relationship with God and Nelson is my focus and goal. I also want a great relationship with my adult children. I am working on that, however, I also know that I am not alone in that goal. My adult children have to want a great relationship with me too. I know that 2 of my adult children want that, and for now, that is enough. One of my affirmations today said, "What I have today is enough." God's grace is sufficient. My concentration now is on growing in my God given purpose. Today is a good day. I have much to accomplish on my, "To Do," list. I need to get going to accomplish that list. I thank God for the sun shining today. Please know that you are loved and enough. Comment below with your story, we want to hear from you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #fearnot #mentalhealth #therapy #familytherapy #godisgood #tinagilbertson #joshuacoleman

Over the past year Nelson and I have learned so many things. Some of the things we have learned, we actually wanted to learn. Others...no so much. There are times that you learn lessons because of circumstances that happen to you and around you. Yes, as a result of estrangement, we have learned a lot of things. Tomorrow my son and daughter, (the one who isn't estranged), go to family therapy together. It is their turn to have a session alone with the therapist. In family therapy, the therapist needs to evaluate the parents, and then evaluate the siblings. Within a family there are multiple relationships. The relationship between siblings and the way they process and view information and situations they grew up in matter. Their experience in the household is very different than the parental experience. I have to admit that after everything that has happened, it triggers an anxiety response in me. I have no idea what will happen, or what will be said. Next week all 4 of us come back together. Am I going to get slammed? Am I going to be told how difficult it was for them? Is it going to be extremely painful? These are all things that go through my mind. Anxiety is caused by thoughts about the future. The "What if," thoughts that circulate in our mind. The unknown is scary. What I have found out is that my known God is loving and kind. During this entire first year of estrangement I have prayed and prayed. The estrangement with my adult daughter has been terrible for my heart, and very helpful for my relationship with God. God is merciful. I looked up the definition of Mercy. In the Bible, Mercy means, "God's compassion, love, kindness, and forgiveness toward people." I have found His mercy in a hard situation that Nelson and I had to go through a couple of weeks ago, regarding this estrangement. The level of God's mercy was overwhelming, and represented in the heart of my son. I thanked God for how He used my son to show me that I cannot mess up enough to stop God from loving me. The love that pours out of the heart of God through my son is nothing short of amazing. Nelson and I shared our heartache over the estrangement with our adult daughter with our Sunday School Class. We didn't go into great detail. We simply let them know what we are going through, and that one of our daughters has chosen to not speak to us. Ever since then, members of our Sunday School class have shown God's compassion to us, by just simply stopping us to say, "We are praying for you guys." God has surrounded us with goodness and grace. We need that right now. It is important to reach out and surround yourself with people who will love you and support you. No matter what happened, or what mistakes we make. Nothing is unforgivable. I can only be thankful. Truly, truly thankful. I have always had big dreams and goals. Another thing that we have learned is not to let anything distract you from your dreams and goals. Not even your children. I have always had the goal to have 5 million dollars in the bank. I don't know why 5 million. I like to give to people. So does Nelson. I think, the Holy Spirit speaks this dream into our hearts so that we can give generously. We both love to give to others. Our dream is to be able to give and help other people who are in need. I don't know if 5 million dollars or $5.00 will do it. I just know that I will regret it for the rest of my life, if I don't put the work in to make that dream come true. I think it is worth the work. I have lived a life of without. I know what it is to struggle financially. I hate it when I hear my students have needs that I can do nothing about to help. I hate it when I hear about people that need groceries and electricity and I cannot just take the groceries or pay the electric bill. Or...the people who need dental work and can't afford it. The list goes on and on. We have the ability to do something about it and so that is what Nelson and I are determined to do, estrangement or no estrangement. When God places something in your heart to do, you do it regardless. Do we want our daughter to call us and our relationship to be restored? Yes. God has His own timing. If this heartbreak is what He is using to motivate us to reach the goal He has called us to, then so be it. His will be done. I could no longer sit still and cry and mourn. I have to stop mourning and follow Jesus, wherever He takes me. I know that many people who read this are going through a hard time. Estrangement is terrible. I haven't figured out if the death of a child or estrangement is worse. I have lost a child. It is terrible. My child not talking to me and having no idea if I will ever see her again? It is terrible. Either way, my heart is broken. I want this blog to be an encouragement. I realize that some of the blogs that I have written aren't the most cheerful things to read. I am being honest. I write daily to put the hour by hour struggle that I go through as a parent with an estranged adult child. I write to tell the story. The ups and downs, the good the bad. I do it to not be alone. I do it to help others. The most important part is that I do it. It is healing and a source of relief. I write this blog out of compassion for Nelson and for me. I write this journey out of compassion for anyone else who is going through estrangement. Selfishly, I am writing to make sure I am staying on track towards financial blessings. I can look back and see how far we have come, how we have grown, and to see how God has answered prayers. Now, I am tired, and going to sleep. God bless. Please remember you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us hear from you. We want to know your story. #estrangement #mentalhealth #estrangementwithadultchild #godisgood #goals #dreams

I think I told you in an earlier blog that I am going to work with Nelson at his office to assist him in his job. He owns his own Health Insurance business. Nelson has ADHD, and it helps him to have someone to organize his appointments, remind him of things, and send out texts and emails, while he makes phone calls. There is always some sort of incentive going on, so I think that it's fun to rise to the incentive. Nelson is not competitive, I am. I like to hit goals and surpass them. I keep Nelson going so he can hit them on his end. I find that to be fun, and amusing. Sometimes, people say crazy things to him on the phone. Sometimes they respond in crazy ways, via text. Really, all they have to say is interested or not interested. Nothing more needs to be said. I find it so fascinating when someone is furious over the phone and screams, "I WANT YOU F....... PEOPLE TO F...... STOP CALLING ME! I want to respond by saying, "I forgive you, and will pray for you." Kristen Chenoweth, the Broadway, TV, and Movie Star, says it is great fun to say that and see the look on their faces! LOL. I'm sure that it is fun to see. I am more curious about what is going on within the person that would cause such a reaction to a stranger. The response is so very extreme. It isn't personal. Only two words are required, interested or not interested. When dealing with estrangement, that is the way it feels. One day, your adult child is interested and the very next moment they are not interested. It seems to turn on a dime. One moment, everything seems fine. I felt like I knew my daughter. Now, I don't know her at all. As I plow this new field, I am deciding what I want to plant. That matters a lot. Where I plow, and what I plant. Nelson and I have made the decision on where to plow. We are interested in helping people. So, we have made the commitment to work hard together and to invest our energy in what we ARE interested in, not in who is interested in us. I am NOT INTERESTED in spending my time on things that don't bring me joy. Over the past year, it has not brought me joy to sit and speculate about my estranged adult child. I do not know what she is thinking, or what she is doing. No news is good news, at least that is how I am taking it. That brings me back to what I am interested in doing. I think that is the best that we can do for the time being. I am now beginning to enjoy my life with Nelson. We are building something new. Something that is ours. Something that will help people. I am going to start an adult beginning ballet class in September. I was asked to come to a Music Festival in Portugal in September. Good things are coming. I am working on music, I am working with my students, I am growing my Scentsy Business. I have my dogs. I get to spend time with my friends. These are all things I am interested in. I don't think as parents, we spend enough time asking ourselves, "What are my interests?" We spend a lot of time helping our children, and watching our children, and providing for our children, and worrying about our children. Their interests become our interests. I think it is important to allow ourselves to feed our own interests, most especially when you are struggling with estrangement. All those years that we have spent investing in our children, and once they are gone, we need to rediscover ourselves. I, for one, am having a good time doing just that thing. Nelson is too. (A plus is that I get to decorate our office, and I love doing that too). I want to do as much as I can for as long as I can. I also can truthfully say this, "I AM NOT INTERESTED, in wasting my life over something or someone that I have no control over. I love all my children, and just like me, they are all adults and have to figure it out. That is adulthood. You spend the first 18 years getting educated, and then you have to just figure the rest out as you go. There are many things I still want to achieve. I'm going to go after them all. In the meantime, the estrangement will figure itself out. By the way, I will be, "Live," at 8 p.m. this Thursday on my Scentsy Business Page on Facebook. @sassyscentswithcrystal. I love Scentsy. I love the way it makes my home smell. Having 4 dogs, I need things to smell good. Join me on Thursday and let me teach you about how things that good smell enhance our lives. I would love for you to like my page, and be a part of the fun. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Please comment below and let us hear from you. We want to know your story. God bless you and keep you. Until tomorrow... #estrangement #interestednotinterested #scentsy #estrangementwithadultchild #goafteryourdreamsandgoals #liveyourlife #joy

In this world of social media, pictures are a big deal. We are all OBSESSED with pictures. We work at learning the best angles, the right lighting, the best backgrounds. Do we use photo or portrait. What is the best photo? We are taught to make our photos interesting, let them tell a story. When Instagram first appeared on the scene, it was all about the photos. No longer do we just stand in front of a monument or building and snap the photo. There are tutorials on making a more captivating photo, one that gets attention and draws the reader/follower in. We want our photos to influence others, and make our lives and memories more alive. Out of all of this, what if we have photos that cause us pain and remind us of failures? Does anyone keep the photos of dating their ex-boyfriend or husband or wife? Do you keep those photos displayed? I bet the answer is, "NO!" I had photos of all of my children hanging around the house, and displayed on shelves and walls. I was always so proud to see them. It made me happy to see all of my children smiling back at me. When my estranged adult daughter cut-off communication, most especially after she sent her email, I removed all the photos I had out that had her in them. I put them away. I still have them, I just stored them out of sight. I went from smiling when I saw them to being extremely sad and crying. The pain is too great. The pictures painted too vivid a memory of times that we were all laughing and enjoying each other's company. The words they spoke seemed false, as though I was looking at events that never really occurred. Like some of the photos I see on social media, they gave me the impression of a life that was never really lived. In the photos, I see lies. I want something new, something authentic, something that I enjoy with the life I am living now. There is something to be said for a blank wall, or a blank canvas. You can sit and look at it, until inspiration comes to call. Inspiration always calls. The Holy Spirit has a way of speaking and letting me know what to do, and what will bring joy and honor to Him and to me. I want whatever goes on the wall now to tell the story of Nelson and me, and our life with God. My children are still important. I have photos of my other two children out. They remind me of why I need to improve. They help to motivate me to do the hard work, so that my family can get better. I realize that to some, my taking my estranged daughter's photos down is awful. I think it is necessary. I want to get better. Her photos were keeping me stuck. Nelson and I want God's best in our lives, and to live, really live, and see the dreams and aspirations that God has placed in us come into fruition. I know that staring at photos that keep me living in mourning, anxiety and fear, will not help with living out God's purpose for my life. I wait for the Great Influencer to let me know what to hang now. I know it will be beautiful. Maybe, it will be portraits of my dogs! LOL. I believe strongly that we all need to do what helps us to become healthier people, and healthier parents. If taking down the photos that contributes to sadness due to estrangement, then I think it is good to take them down. I love my estranged daughter. I want to reconcile. Until that day comes, I want to feel good about myself and my relationship with God and my husband. Now, when I post photos, I know they are really authentically me. That is worth having a blank wall, I know that it will fill back up again. I can wait for the best story to be displayed for all to see. That will be worth the effort! Please remember that you are loved and enough. Please comment below. Nelson and I would love to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangmentwithadultchild #pictures #authenticity #walldecor

Casablanca. One of the most famous movies of all time. A story of unrequited love. The definition of Unrequieted Love is this: " Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or returned by the beloved . Unrequited love can cause negative feelings like anxiety, pain, rejection, or heartbreak ," according to Google. This is exactly what estrangement from my adult child feels like, unrequited love. Love that is not openly reciprocated, which in turn can fill me with all the negative feelings that are mentioned in the paragraph above. The difference with estrangement is, there is hope. With enough prayer, and work on my part and Nelson's part to change, there is hope. Most estrangements resolve and that is good. It takes time to heal. As Nelson and I heal, we are going closer and stronger together. I am finding myself, probably for the first time. I am deciding what I like and what I don't like. I am learning to stand up for myself and to love the person I am. Nelson is doing the same thing. We are starting over, wiser, more aware, and more determined to make right choices. I love my husband. I am finding that I love him more and more all the time. As time goes by, (no pun intended), I can see that we are helping one another more. We are kinder to each other, more patient, and closer. Some hard situations tear people apart. This one is bringing us together. I also know, as time goes by, more healing occurs. We are just in the beginning of family therapy. My son and daughter who are not estranged attend with us. Our goal is to become better communicators with each other, and have healthier habits so that we can love and support each other. I think we are heading in that direction. Today, I saw a great statement about mercy, as I did my bible study and prayer time. It described mercy as an act of kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and favor. It is when we will sit and listen to someone else, and instead of taking offense at what they say, we extend compassion, give reprieve from any punishment. We cover the situation with love and favor. I know that I was not perfect as a mother, and Nelson was not perfect as a dad. In family therapy, I know that I will hear my children tell me about situations that happened within our family that caused them pain. I have to show mercy and compassion. It will be very uncomfortable, and I will cry. I have never wanted to cause them pain. No child comes out unscathed from their childhood. I am broken, Nelson is broken. Everyone is a broken, flawed human being. We all have things from our childhood that pained us. We all have ways that our parents hurt us. Sometimes we get the opportunity to express it to them, sometimes the opportunity passes us. I want my adult children to have the opportunity to let me know how they were hurt. I want to listen to them and show them compassion. I want to let them know I love them and I care what happened to them. It doesn't matter if I agree, or even remember. What matters is that I listen and let them know I am listening and that I always will listen and care about what they care about. I hear stories about others, who are also in an estrangement with their adult child, or children. Some of these stories are so sad. They are stories of parents, whether it is one or both, that will not accept their part in their estrangement with their adult child. They won't accept it, even while they are working in family therapy to mend their family's issue. It is discouraging to the spouse who wants to mend their relationship with their adult child. What is the point in going to family therapy, or to any type of therapy if you have already decided that you aren't going to do the work, and are going to remain stuck and defensive? Why bother, if you are going to staunchly stand on the quicksand of, "I'm right and your wrong!" Or..."This is the way my parents did it, so this is the way I am going to do it!" From my perspective, I can see your pain. I can see how no one ever listened to you, or showed you compassion and mercy and love. That is why you don't know how to show it to your own adult child. The longer time goes by, the more I learn and want to go in the opposite direction of where my parents were when I grew up, and even where I was when my adult children were growing up. I do not ever want to walk that road again. I am different now. I have changed, and honestly, I like the changes I am making. I like the changes that Nelson is making. We are getting better each day. "Here's Looking At you, Kid." Casablanca. That is the famous line from the movie. It is a way of saying, "Goodbye." It is a toast. I say it because I am toasting the past and all its awful, terrible, wonderful beauty. It taught me who I am, and who I want to be now. It is time to make friends with my new present and future. Mercy, grace, healing, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, love, and gentleness, please lead the way. Light the path, and helps us to be better today and tomorrow. God is good, as time goes by. Please remember that you are loved and enough. Comment below and let us know how you are doing. We want to hear your story. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth #familytherapy #compassion #selfcare #casablanca #classicmovies #tinagilbertson #reconnectionclub #relationships

I was listening to the "Reconnection Club," Podcast with host, Tina Gilbertson, this morning as I was getting ready to go to Nelson's office to assist him. I listen to this podcast on YouTube. This particular podcast's subject was, "How to Process a Letter from Your Estranged Adult Child." I listened carefully to the advice she was giving. She is a really great therapist. I like hearing what she has to say on estrangement and the encouragement she gives to parents. She has a way of explaining the issues that cause estrangement from the side of the adult child, however, she gives solid suggestions parents to inspire parents to seek the help they need from a good therapist and have compassion and empathy for the estranged adult child. I understand, that if you are like me, the initial reaction to the estrangement is, "Why do I have to change? I didn't do anything to provoke this situation! I am the one that is hurt and rejected!" You are not wrong your feelings are valid. However, if we sincerely hope to have a relationship with our estranged adult child again then we have to take a look in the mirror and decide that if having a connection with our adult child is worth the effort to change. I believe that it is. When I first read the letter that our estranged adult daughter finally sent, I was devastated. Since the day she stopped talking to us, I have been reeling from the rejection and disconnection. I have gone through so many emotions. I have screamed and cried and wailed. I have grieved and mourned. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. They come in waves. My anxiety has soared. The only good thing about the letter is that she asked us to not communicate to her at all. No emails, letters, texts. Nothing. As painful as it is, Nelson and I respect her boundaries. Why is this a good thing? It has given me time to do further research. What I have found is that it is just fine for me to feel my emotions. When I was little, I was constantly told I was too emotional. I was asked to not be so sensitive. I was told I could be angry all I wanted to as long as nobody knew it. I learned to stop expressing myself. I learned to hide what I wanted and what I was feeling. I began to criticize myself for the feelings that I have. I have trouble accepting them. For a while, I didn't want to feel anything at all. I pretty much only felt fear and anxiety. Now, I am learning that it is fine for me to feel my emotions. It is normal in an estrangement with an adult child to feel rejected, angry, resentment, sadness, depression, despair, sorrow, grief, loss, separation, fear and anxiety. The list of emotions can go on and on. I can allow myself to feel these things and to embrace the fact that I feel them. The question remains, "What do I do with all these emotions and how can I express them in a way that is healthy and beneficial to me as I navigate the treacherous waters of estrangement? Here are some things I have found work for me. First, I pause, and use box breathing. Box breathing is a technique in which you breathe in through your nose for a count of 5, and then out through the mouth for a count of 5. I do this for 5 minutes. I then use a distraction or something that will help me self-soothe. My favorite distraction is to clean out my refrigerator. Cleaning out the frige, helps me to do something physical, take inventory of what I need to nourish myself and my husband, and do a productive activity. It helps me to move forward. Going to the gym, helps me to do another physical activity that gives me an avenue to take out my anger and frustration. It lowers the cortisol in my body, which helps relieve my anxiety. My self-soothing activities include going to a coffee shop, walking my dogs, crying, journaling, singing, and talking with a friend. I used to carry so much shame for the things that I felt. I would tell myself, "You shouldn't feel that way." Here is the thing, I feel what I feel and that is o.k. To take a BIG pause and do something to give me distance and perspective from the overwhelming waves of emotion that I feel is a healthy way of giving me the space and time I need to process. I don't want to take out my emotions on Nelson or anyone. I have also learned that it may take weeks of this kind of emotional processing before I am ready to move forward, and that is ok. too. Being patient with myself is the point. Allowing myself to feel what I feel and accept it, is the best thing I can do. That is caring for myself. That is loving myself. One of the hardest parts of estrangement is not being able to do anything about it. Since I cannot change the situation, I am doing what I can do. I can change me. Nelson and I can change our relationship and our circumstance, and live out the dreams that we have had together. We don't have to stop our lives at all. We can continue to improve. We had dreams together before the estrangement occurred. They are worthy dreams and we might as well work towards making them a reality. We don't have anything to lose. It will only be gain. What emotion am I feeling right now? Joy. I am feeling joy and satisfaction knowing that I am doing things I love to do and working towards my own dreams and goals, despite this thing called estrangement. God is still good, always. I trust He will guide us through. Please know you loved and enough. Comment below and let us know your story. We would love to hear from you. #estrangement #reconnectionclub #tinagilbertson #estrangementwithadultchild #cleanyourrefrigerator

Estrangement...What is there to say? We keep walking, we keep going, we fill our time. We let go of any and all weight that holds us down and keeps us back from being the best possible people and parents we can become. We pray a lot. We keep loving and keep growing. Right now I am reading a book called, "The Body Keep the Score," by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. It describes how stress and anxiety, especially extreme stress, anxiety, and trauma, contribute to our health issues. I believe that it does. That is why it is very important for Nelson and I to not look to quick fixes to alleviate the stress of estrangement. I find it amusing that when an adult child chooses to cut off communication with their parents, (specifically, our estranged adult child), they cite their own pain and the need to remove themselves from it. What it leaves is pain and anxiety for the parents to deal with and get through. The estranged adult child is dealing with their past pain. The parents of an estranged adult child are dealing with the pain of the present, the past, and the future. It is a long road to travel. Nothing in this estrangement will be quick. It is Mid-August already. Before you know it, September will be here and we will be headed into Fall and the holiday season. From what we have learned so far about dealing with estrangement, we have to go very slow in making decisions. We have to make sure that nothing we do comes from an emotional place. That doesn't mean we are turning off our emotions, it just means that we have to put distance between our emotions and our decisions. We have to do things deliberately. Being asked to not contact or communicate in any way, by our estranged adult daughter, makes thinking about the coming seasons difficult. We are not taking our decisions lightly. We do not want anything we decide to come from a snap emotional decision, or from feelings of rejection and hurt. There is a lot of self-control involved. It turns minutes into hours, and hours into days. Time seems to move slowly. I don't know if that is bad or good. I guess it is neither. Going in slow motion gives you the chance to ask yourself how you feel, and then decide the healthiest way to choose what to do. That is how you apply wisdom to your life. I am learning to allow myself to process my emotions, and then choose what I want, even if that means I have to wait weeks before I make a choice. Being driven by an emotional response is never a wise choice. Being patient with yourself is the wise choice. There are a lot of pit stops on this long road. There are also Scenic View places. I think I want to stop at all of them. The pit stops are areas in my life where I can pull over to learn and take care of myself. The Scenic View places are areas where I can take a look at everything with perspective. I am slowing accepting that the longer road is best. Here's to the long road. Too many times in life we want to take shortcuts to keep ourselves from being inconvenienced. Every once in a while we need to meander, look at the sites, feel the air, and smell the flowers. If the body keeps the score, we want our score to be low. The longer we take, the more we enjoy. If our estranged adult daughter ever returns, I want her to know I have enjoyed my time while she was away. I want her to know that we have built something wonderful while she was gone. I want things to be different. I want to see that the long road has taken Nelson and I to a new and beautiful place. That is the best we can do. Please know that you are loved and enough. Nelson and I pray for you daily. Please leave a comment and let us know how you are doing. We would love to hear from you. #thelongroad #scenicview #estrangement #estranementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

Over the past few days, we have been very busy. I have gone to Nashville, Tennessee with my friend, Preston, where I worked with students and had dinner with a dear, dear friend. When I returned home, I went to the office with Nelson. I am assisting him with his work. Having an assistant at his job really helps and once I get everything learned, I know we will work well together. I really want to see him succeed and we always wanted to work together. I have every moment of the day busy right now. I run a Scentsy business as well, which I love. I like the smells and atmosphere that Scentsy adds to everything. Reaching out to people about Scentsy keeps me busy as well. Of course, I have my singing and my students. There is a lot going on. I have also added an adult ballet class that starts September 9th. Things to look forward to, things to build and keep me busy. I feel productive again. I feel like I have a purpose. I can feel the darkness lifting, and light starting to pour into our lives again. It is all becoming, "Water Under the Bridge." Rivers flow under bridges. They are constantly moving. When leaves drop on the water, they float with the current, never stopping, continuously moving. Just like the moments of our lives. Each leaf reaches the bridge, and then travels under and continues on, until it is out of our sight. It is necessary to watch the moments of our lives come and go. It can be a painful, but good thing. I am glad that nothing is permanent. I am glad that God is with me and is walking me through this estrangement with my adult child. I know He cares and He has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I have let all the cares and problems go that were holding me back and haunting me. I know my estranged adult child is in the hands of God and I can lay all of it down at His feet. I no longer have to carry that weight. As the river keeps flowing, time flows by as well. Neither Nelson, nor I will be in the same place that we started. We keep moving forward. I know our estranged daughter is doing them same. If we ever resolve this family issue, we will not recognize one another, and we will not be the same. I know Nelson and I are changing and that we are changing for the good. I pray our estranged daughter is doing the same. Probably out of everything, the best decision we all have made so far is to go to family therapy. It has put Nelson and I in the position to face some things and make some decisions that have cleared the way for our family to be stronger. I would recommend family therapy for anyone who is going through estrangement with their adult child. If your adult child has made the decision to cut off communication with you, then you have a problem that needs to be worked on. This is true whether you want to admit it or not. You may not get your estranged adult child to go to family therapy with you, however, it is there if they one day choose to join. Nelson and I go with our son and our other daughter. If our estranged daughter chooses to join us one day, she is more than welcome. I have to say, I suspect it will be harder on her at that point, due to the fact that we have moved on, just like the leaves flowing under the bridge. I am praying she will have moved on at that point too. I love to watch water flowing. Rivers and lakes are my favorite. Living near a river fills me with much peace. I love walking along the river here in Chattanooga, where we live. It is peaceful and beautiful. I always end up in the Arts District and I walk around the Sculpture Garden. As I pass under the archway to enter the garden, I walk into a section surrounded by beautiful shrubs and in this area is a beautiful sculpture of the Prodigal Son. It depicts the father, embracing the son, after his return. Tears always stream down my face as I contemplate this sculpture. It never gets old to study. It gives me hope. This garden overlooks the Tennessee River, and you can see Veterans Bridge and the river flowing under it. Again, water under the bridge. It is my view, and I am better for it. Please know that you are loved and are enough. Nelson and I are praying for you daily. Please leave a comment below. We want to hear your story. #waterunderthebridge #walnutstreetbridge #chattanooga #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

The photo attached to this blog is Olympic Gold Medalist and fellow Chattanoogan, Olivia Reeves. We are very proud of her here in Chattanooga. Weightlifting is not an easy thing to do, it takes strength and endurance. It is the same with estrangement. When you are estranged from your adult child, it feels like a weight that you carry every single day. Although, no matter what you do, no one gives you a gold medal. However, today, Nelson and I had a talk with my son, Jacob. Jacob is very wise and thoughtful. He has a beautiful heart. Even though our conversation was very difficult, we handled it with good communication, and the attitude that listening is the best option. It was not an easy talk. We allowed Jacob to express himself over the subject matter, and tell us his feelings. We validated everything he said. In the end, we had turned a major corner. He is going to work out some of these emotions he expressed with his therapist, and in our family therapy. It is the first time is almost a year that I feel the, "Weight Lifting," and that everything is going to be ok. We still have a long way to go on this journey. There will be a lot of listening that will need to be done by us for the benefit of my adult children. I think that listening and validating my son's feelings was key. I gave no excuses, and neither did Nelson. The reasons behind anything we did in the past were not important. That is something better left for times that we are in Family Therapy. For the first time since this whole estrangement began, I feel hope. I do not feel that I am such a failure as a mom. I feel more like a human with flaws and failures just like anyone else and I can move forward knowing that the bulk of the weight is gone. I still will need to workout, and be ready for any extra weight added, and so will Nelson. We both feel more equipped and stronger. I know the family therapy is going to help and that together we will all be better and stronger. Tomorrow morning, I go to Nashville where I will work with students and have dinner with a very good friend. I am going with my friend, Preston. I am grateful to him for always being with me and supporting me. Preston has a celebratory dinner to attend. We are going to have a good time. I feel more freedom now. I am so very grateful to God. God walked us through a difficult conversation today, and protected us all. He will never leave us, nor forsake us. I am also grateful and truly blessed to have a son who today, showed me how strong that he is. If anyone is a champion in life, it is him. I am amazed at his heart. Thank you God for the blessing of him. Please remember that you are loved, and you are enough. We are here to support you. Comment below and let us hear from you. God bless you. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #sonsareawesome #oliviareeves #weightlifting #godisgood

perseverance ˌpər-sə-ˈvir-ən(t)s NOUN continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness- Miriam-Webster Dictionary I read the word perseverance in a Bible Verse today. " Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. " James 1:12 NIV Seeing this verse, I knew God was speaking to me. He was reminding me to keep going and persevere under this trial. This heartbreaking situation. All I want to do is stay in the house and not go out. The opposite has to happen. I have to keep going and live the life I have been given. It is hard to stay motivated when you feel that your life suddenly and drastically changed, and it is all beyond your control. I know that I am not the same as I was a year ago. There are days that I feel like I am just so tired. Still, I find a way to go on, to rebuild and keep walking through this terrible situation. Nelson and I are just in the beginning. We are learning and growing together. Tomorrow morning we have our 2nd family therapy session. This one will just be Nelson and me. I have no idea what will happen. The family therapist wanted to see us by ourselves, and then she wants to meet with our son and other daughter. I will know more in the morning, when we get to the appointment. Honestly, I feel like crawling in a hole. I don't want to crawl in a hole because I am afraid of going, I just feel so badly about the whole situation that I just don't know what else to do. The answer is this, fail and fail again. That is the story of perseverance. You fail, the you get up and keep going. You ask yourself, "What did I learn from this failure?" No matter what, I have to keep going, and working on the things that I love and make me happy. Although, I have to say, not much makes me happy right now. I wonder if I will ever feel happy again. I still have to work, and learn more music, and create more art. That is perseverance, to continue going, even when you don't feel like it. Even when you feel like nothing makes you feel better. You keep going and keep working at it, because you still have hope that eventually, you will feel better and you will find yourself happy again. That is perseverance. Doing something anyway, knowing that you are doing the right thing, staying on the right path, regardless of how you feel, regardless of how weary the road gets, or how discouraged you are because you haven't seen things work out the way you want them to be, yet. Yet, is the word. I keep going. Nelson and I keep going. I think it takes the most courage to keep going in the face of heartbreak. I don't feel like I have the strength of heart to keep going, to keep singing, to keep living my life. Just because I don't feel like I can keep going doesn't mean that I won't keep going. I will. Even though I feel as though I am scraping the bottom of the barrel, I will. This is how it is when you have an estranged adult child. Estrangement is a thief. It steals from you and tries to take away your confidence and your peace of mind. It is a tool of the enemy. I hate it. I am thankful that God is good, and He reminds me to keep going and persevere. He reminds me that I have already overcome in this world. He reminds me that He will never leave me or forsake me, no matter where I find myself in this estrangement. Please remember that you are loved and you are enough. We are praying for you everyday. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #perseverance #keepgoing #mentalhealth

I apologize, I'm told, stop apologizing, it isn't an apology that is needed. I listen, I'm told I'm not listening. After 5 years of Trauma Therapy, I still don't have enough tools. I have tools to deal with some things. I am getting better in that way. I have the tools to deal with anxiety attacks. I have tools to deal with self-destructive behaviour. I have tools to speak clearly about what I am feeling, before I get angry. Nelson and I have worked on so many different things, and we are doing well, and getting better all the time. With all of this, I still am faced with not being able to communicate well with my adult daughter that is speaking to us. I am exhausted. I am not giving up, I just realize it is time for me to rest. I recognize that I am still in many ways, resisting the idea that there is nothing to do. There is genuinely nothing to be done. As our new Family Therapist said last week, "Sometimes there is nothing to do." The decision has been made, the change has already occurred, like it or not. I am now only causing myself pain, in a situation that no longer has to be painful. Isn't that what we do? Instead of just embracing change as it happens, we go into resistance mode and cause our own pain. We continue to hold on to the pain. When my son died in 1993, I relived the last moments of his life over and over in my mind. I was attempting to change it. The change had already occurred. It took me a while to accept the circumstance of his death. It was extremely hard. I resisted the change. He was alive one minute and dead the next. I didn't want him to be dead. I tried to stay in the last moments of his life. No matter what, the change had already occurred. There was nothing to do, just like now. Maybe it was easier to accept because he did die. My estranged adult child is not dead. She has removed herself from my life. Feelings of betrayal, rejection, and abandonment linger, like the smell of spoiled food on a hot day. You just want to get rid of that smell. You have to open the windows and allow the smell to escape and dissipate. It takes time. There are days when my patience runs thin. As I write this, I realize that I am punishing myself. Maybe, just maybe, it is me that needs to forgive me. I cannot resist the change anymore. The dynamic of my relationship with my adult daughters, most specifically, my estranged adult daughter has changed. Resistance is futile. It is time. I did not enjoy the conversation I had with my other daughter today. I think I just need to give myself a break. I wish that break meant I was going to Bali for a month. I think I will settle for walks along the river, and a trip to Nashville with my friend, Preston. I will also continue to go to the gym. The pain will stop when I stop resisting the situation. There is nothing more I can do. I thank God for carrying the burden for me. This one is just too heavy. Please know we are praying for you, and that you are loved and enough. #estrangement #resistanceinestrangement #parentproblems #estrangemenwithadultchild #mentalhealth #healingabrokenheart

When God created the Heavens and the Earth, it came from nothing. It was just a void. Emptiness. He spoke and each day that went by something new was created. He still is in the creation business. When my heart feels like a void, God is creating something new and He will fill it with new life, just like He did in the beginning. Nelson and I were at church this morning and everything I heard today went straight into my heart. It started last night when I was speaking with my friend, Eugene. He reminded me that right now is the time, and we do not have forever. He told me it would be a real loss, if I did not take every opportunity I could to use my voice to its fullest potential. While I was at church God was talking me through everything that was said. When we are stripped of everything, and we have sinned and fallen so short of God's Glory, when we have blown it in ways we could not ever have imagined, God is still there in the darkness with us. God still loves us and is going to pull us out of the pit we are in. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He doesn't tell us He will remove the consequences of our sin, however, He does promise to walk beside us and hold our hand. We just have to ask for forgiveness and keep our eyes on Him. What Nelson and I are finding out is that when God creates something new, we have a lot of work to do. We have to follow His plans, listen to His voice, and build on the solid rock hard ground that He provides. The funny thing about rock is that it is HARD! In order to build on it you have to dig your foundation in it. I don't know what you think, or what experiences you have had with building, usually you dig your foundation out of dirt, put down cinder blocks and pour concrete. God wants us to have something better. When we are building something with him, you have to carve it out of solid rock. That takes time, and effort on your part. The building doesn't have a crew of workers. It is just you and Jesus, chipping away, day by day. Sometimes you don't even know what you are building or if it is even worth it. Right now, Nelson and I are chipping away every day. I don't know about Nelson; I feel overwhelmed just about everyday. I have made a commitment to finish. This heart of mine will be different this time. It will be stronger and better. When I feel overwhelmed and can't get my mind off of the issues with my estranged adult child, I am going to work on an aria. The harder the better. I have self-sabotaged and procrastinated, and self deprecated long enough. God has something bigger and better in store for me. Facing the fears and doing the tedious work is what I have to do now. God has called me to it. It is hard to realize that I was so off track for so long. I love my children. I love them so much that they became my stumbling block and I was their stumbling block as well. I want better for myself and for them. As Eugene pointed out to me, never walk away from what you are called to do, you will regret it. I am grateful that God has given me a second chance. If any of this resonates with you, please know we are here to listen. Comment below and let us hear from you. Know you are loved and are enough. We are praying for you. Please pray for us too. #revelation21:5 #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth