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When God created the Heavens and the Earth, it came from nothing. It was just a void. Emptiness. He spoke and each day that went by something new was created. He still is in the creation business. When my heart feels like a void, God is creating something new and He will fill it with new life, just like He did in the beginning. Nelson and I were at church this morning and everything I heard today went straight into my heart. It started last night when I was speaking with my friend, Eugene. He reminded me that right now is the time, and we do not have forever. He told me it would be a real loss, if I did not take every opportunity I could to use my voice to its fullest potential. While I was at church God was talking me through everything that was said. When we are stripped of everything, and we have sinned and fallen so short of God's Glory, when we have blown it in ways we could not ever have imagined, God is still there in the darkness with us. God still loves us and is going to pull us out of the pit we are in. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He doesn't tell us He will remove the consequences of our sin, however, He does promise to walk beside us and hold our hand. We just have to ask for forgiveness and keep our eyes on Him. What Nelson and I are finding out is that when God creates something new, we have a lot of work to do. We have to follow His plans, listen to His voice, and build on the solid rock hard ground that He provides. The funny thing about rock is that it is HARD! In order to build on it you have to dig your foundation in it. I don't know what you think, or what experiences you have had with building, usually you dig your foundation out of dirt, put down cinder blocks and pour concrete. God wants us to have something better. When we are building something with him, you have to carve it out of solid rock. That takes time, and effort on your part. The building doesn't have a crew of workers. It is just you and Jesus, chipping away, day by day. Sometimes you don't even know what you are building or if it is even worth it. Right now, Nelson and I are chipping away every day. I don't know about Nelson; I feel overwhelmed just about everyday. I have made a commitment to finish. This heart of mine will be different this time. It will be stronger and better. When I feel overwhelmed and can't get my mind off of the issues with my estranged adult child, I am going to work on an aria. The harder the better. I have self-sabotaged and procrastinated, and self deprecated long enough. God has something bigger and better in store for me. Facing the fears and doing the tedious work is what I have to do now. God has called me to it. It is hard to realize that I was so off track for so long. I love my children. I love them so much that they became my stumbling block and I was their stumbling block as well. I want better for myself and for them. As Eugene pointed out to me, never walk away from what you are called to do, you will regret it. I am grateful that God has given me a second chance. If any of this resonates with you, please know we are here to listen. Comment below and let us hear from you. Know you are loved and are enough. We are praying for you. Please pray for us too. #revelation21:5 #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalhealth

Are you a parent struggling with the pain of estrangement from your adult child? We are parents that are struggling with the pain of estrangement from our adult daughter. The journey of healing from estrangement can be arduous and complex, but there is a path towards recovery that incorporates something you may have overlooked—doing what you love. In this blog post, we delve into the healing power of embracing your passions and interests as a way to navigate the challenging terrain of estrangement recovery. Understanding the Pain of Estrangement Estrangement from a child can evoke a wide range of emotions, from deep sorrow and anger to confusion and guilt. The sense of loss and longing can be overwhelming, leaving parents grappling with a mix of emotions that are difficult to process. It's essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings as a crucial step towards healing. The Healing Power of Doing What You Love One often underutilized tool in the process of estrangement recovery is engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether it's rediscovering an old hobby, exploring a new passion, or immersing yourself in creative pursuits, doing what you love can act as a healing balm for the soul. For me, singing is a balm for my soul, and since our children are grown and it is just Nelson and I in our home, (along with our dogs), I can use this time to pursue my singing career in a way that I was not free to do before. If you have an empty nest, and are going through estrangement with an adult child, you can use this time to pursue an unfulfilled dream. Benefits of Pursuing Your Passions Coping Mechanism: Engaging in activities you love serves as a healthy coping mechanism, helping you manage stress and anxiety associated with estrangement. Sense of Purpose: Pursuing your passions gives you a sense of purpose and fulfillment outside of the estranged relationship, fostering personal growth and self-discovery. Emotional Outlet: Creative expression through art, music, writing, or other hobbies can serve as a powerful emotional outlet, allowing you to channel your feelings in a constructive way. Unleashing Creativity in the Face of Adversity Creativity knows no bounds and has the remarkable ability to flourish even in the midst of adversity. Whether it's painting, gardening, cooking, or dancing, immersing yourself in creative endeavors can spark inner healing and renewal. Volunteering your time with an organization can help as well. Researching and searching for something you love, that has nothing to do with your estranged adult child can help in discovering your sense of self, and help you create the life you want outside of being a parent. Embracing Your Creativity Art Therapy: Expressing your emotions through art can be a therapeutic way to release pent-up feelings and gain insights into your inner world. Writing as Catharsis: Keeping a journal, writing poetry, or engaging in storytelling can provide an outlet for processing complex emotions and experiences. Exploring New Horizons: Trying new creative outlets can open up new pathways for healing and self-discovery, offering fresh perspectives on your journey towards estrangement recovery. Giving Yourself the Gift of You We were all created by God with gifts that only we can do. There is no one else on this earth like you and there never will be again. I am the only person that can sing the way I sing and do what I can with my voice. It is up to me to work on that and keep learning and discovering more avenues in which to us that gift. The gift I am giving myself is the dedicated and committed time and effort to learn the music, learn the languages, workout, get into shape, love the sound of my voice, and join the community of singers in which I am a part. Surrounding myself with like-minded people is very healing and helpful. If not now, when? There will never be a better time for me. I can do nothing about the decisions my estranged adult child makes. I can do something about the decisions I make and go after the dream I have had since childhood. It is the healthiest and best gift I can give myself. You can do the same for yourself. Embracing the Journey of Healing In the midst of estrangement, it's easy to lose sight of yourself amidst the pain and heartache. However, by embracing what you love, whether it's a long-lost hobby, a newfound passion, or a creative pursuit, you can embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery that transcends the confines of estrangement. Remember, healing is a gradual process, and every step you take towards doing what you love is a step towards reclaiming your joy and resilience. So, as you navigate the path of estrangement recovery, remember to infuse your journey with the healing power of your passions and interests. Embrace creativity, nurture your soul, and let what you love guide you towards a place of healing and wholeness. Let your passions be the compass that leads you back to yourself. Don't forget that you are a person that is worthy of love and joy. You are unique, and you are enough. God loves you and we do too, be blessed. #estrangement #dowhatyoulove #recovery #estrangementwithadultchild #mentalandemotionalhealth

Estrangement in 2024 has become a complex and widespread issue affecting families worldwide. The emotional toll that estrangement from adult children can take on parents is profound and often underestimated. As parents grapple with feelings of grief, guilt, and confusion, it is essential to explore coping strategies that can provide support and guidance through this challenging journey. This is why Nelson and I both have an individual therapist, as well as, attending family therapy. Understanding the Emotional Toll The experience of estrangement can evoke a range of intense emotions for parents. Feelings of heartbreak, rejection, and loss are common and can lead to significant psychological distress, as well as, cause trauma to the parents. Parents may struggle with self-blame, questioning where they went wrong or what they could have done differently. The uncertainty of not knowing if or when reconciliation might occur adds to the emotional burden, fostering a sense of helplessness and despair. It is our experience that each of these afore listed descriptions of the emotional struggle during estrangement are valid, and also vary between the two parents. They vary because each person in a couple are different, and react with different responses to the same estrangement. Coping Strategies for Parents 1. Seek Support 2. Practice Self-Compassion 3. Set Boundaries 4. Focus on Personal Growth 5. Educate Yourself 6. Practice Mindfulness Moving Forward While coping with estrangement can be an arduous journey, it is crucial for parents to remember that they are not alone in their experiences. By implementing coping strategies and seeking support, parents can navigate the emotional toll of estrangement more effectively and begin to heal from the pain it brings. Remember, kindness towards yourself is key in this process of healing and acceptance. I am working on kindness towards myself and towards Nelson daily. We are in a grieving process and we have to remember that when dealing with each other. The emotional toll of estrangement in 2024 is a significant issue that requires nuanced strategies for parents to cope effectively. By understanding the complexities of estrangement, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, parents can navigate this challenging experience with resilience and grace. We recommend listening to The Reconnection Club Podcast on YouTube, by Dr. Tina Gilbertson. Her book, "Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child" is a terrific resource. We also recommend, "Rules of Estrangement," by Joshua Coleman. Nelson and I want to strongly encourage anyone going through estrangement with their adult child to seek a great therapist, and a great family therapist. We need to understand and learn to improve ourselves in order for reconnection to take place. Without changing ourselves, we cannot expect our adult child to want to cross the divide and meet us in the middle. If we do not do the self-reflection and research needed, then understanding the complexities of estrangement will not occur. It truly requires dropping your pride, being vulnerable and open to change in your mind, heart, and spirit. Remember: you are worthy of love and understanding, even amidst the pain of estrangement. Our aim for this blog post is to provide parents with adult children experiencing estrangement in 2024 with valuable insights and coping strategies to help them navigate this emotional journey. As we are experiencing an estrangement with our own adult child, and are working through our owns struggles during this season of our lives, we want this to be a place of safety and encouragement to other parents who find themselves in the same situation. Please know that we are sharing as we learn on a daily basis. We are charting a real time journey. Feel free to comment below, we would love to hear from you. #estranged #mentalhealth #estrangedparentsandadultchildren #estrangement #rejectedparents #estrangementawareness

As my husband and I navigate ourselves through the treacherous waters of estrangement with our adult child, we are learning a lot. Mostly by trial and error. Some things we have tried have helped and some things have failed miserably. Still we keep going, and work to keep hope. Truthfully, Nelson is much better at remaining hopeful than I am. I have to work at it. It is very easy for me to fall into a deep ditch of negativity. I have to find ways to preempt situations and make a plan to take care of myself, so that I do not fall into a negative mindset. Knowing these things help us to move forward and become more compassionate and kind to each other during this time of loss, growing, grieving, and reconstructing. We thought that we would let you in on 5 things we have learned over the past few months about estrangement. Estrangement Can Come Out of Nowhere Each person in a family have different thoughts and perspectives on how they experience different events that happen within a family. Sometimes it can be divorce. Sometimes it can be a death in the family. Sometimes it can be financial strain that puts pressure on the parents in the household. All families have dysfunction, and most handle the stress and pressure just fine. However, that is not the case with all families. A large percentage of parents that go through an estrangement with an adult child, are loving, caring, involved parents. That is why estrangement can be so devastating and shocking. Our gut reaction is to take action and fix the issue as quickly as possible. We feel that if we do not fix it quickly, then the gap will grow larger. That is not always the best option. Be Prepared to Take Full Responsibility Regardless of the situation, we are still parents and they are still our children. Ultimately, that makes us responsible. We have to face the storm. It will be hard, and you will feel that it is unfair. However, if you want to reconcile, doing the work and research and therapy needed, then full responsibility must be taken by the parent. Just like if a football team loses, it is the fault of the coach, the bucks stops with us as parents. It really doesn't matter what you think, or how hurt you feel. For us, we love our children unconditionally and realize that in every relationship there are two sides. I am not saying that the parents are to blame for all of the estrangement. What I am saying is that we have to be ready and willing to take full responsibility and dig deep to realize our part in the situation and the pain it caused our adult child. We have to admit that we are human, flawed, and make huge mistakes no matter how much we love our child. Do Not Explain or Give Excuses for Your Mistakes Nelson and I have learned that the reasons behind why we made the mistakes we made and the hurt it caused doesn't matter. Our adult estranged child does not want to hear it. What she wants is to know she is heard and that we are listening to her. She wants us to care about her pain, as do our other adult children who are not estranged. Just listen and acknowledge their pain and be genuinely remorseful for your part in it. That is what we are having to do. Get Yourself into Therapy We do not need a vacation, we need our family to be whole. Change your plans, re-route your money and get yourself into therapy. We go to individual therapy. My husband has a therapist, and I have a Trauma Therapist. We have just started with a Family Therapist as well. I also do other therapies to help myself cope and not take into myself the deep hurt that my adult children may or may not be having. This is very important to my healing process. Make no mistake, if you have an adult estranged child, you need to heal, not just your adult child. You are part of the problem and your healing from their choice to become estranged, and from whatever else contributed is necessary for reconnection to occur in a healthy way. Estrangement is caused mainly by unhealthy relationship habits and unhealthy boundaries. Those have to be addressed. Be Prepared to Do A lot of the Work Alone Yes, we all need support, however, our healing is ours and ours alone. It is between me and God. It is between you and God. We have to be willing to practice our new healthier practices, our habits need to change. Talk therapy is great. It is nothing without our effort to work on better habits. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, journal, meditate, go on a retreat alone, pray, get massages, do DBT, do EMDR, do whatever your pain tells you it needs to heal. Just heal, and live happier and healthier. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Heal for yourself and your family. Everything will take care of itself. Know that Nelson and I pray every single day for our family and for our own healing. In the process, we are praying for you as well. Please comment and let us know how you are doing. We would love to hear from you. #5thingsyoudidnotknowaboutestrangement #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #familytherapy #healing #estrangementandtherapy

Today was our family's first day of family therapy. All in all, I think it went pretty well. I'm not gonna lie. It was hard, or at least it was hard on me. It wasn't hard because I was blamed for everything. It was hard to hear my adult children share their concerns and desires for our family. They were not angry, just sharing concerns. We all seem to have the same goal, which is to be able to function with mutual respect and healthy communication. I think that is good that we have something in common. What was truly interesting was to understand that each one of us have a different perspective on the same subject. That is what needs to be worked through and discussed. To learn how to listen and hear what the other person is saying and to validate that they feel the way they feel, even if you do not agree, is probably the biggest issue that all of us face. When I say, "all of us," I am referring to the entire human race. Within every family there is a culture. Sometimes the rules are clear within that culture, and sometimes the rules get muddled by other factors, such as a death in the family, or someone getting severely injured. Drugs and alcohol can be a disrupting factor. Whatever the situation, the disruption can be very confusing and devastating. Especially since, as in our family's case, there are 5 people involved. Where there are 5 people, there are 5 opinions, and 5 different ways of looking at the situation and 5 different ways of processing. Is there a right way as a parent to help your children cope, as well as, yourself? Honestly, I think there are multiple right ways. To be transparent, did I look for the right ways, or was I just trying to survive? I believe I was trying to survive. In the process, that in itself, contributed to the disruption of our family culture. I didn't consider family therapy. I didn't consider a lot of things. I am still reeling from the consequences of the decisions that I made during that time, and the pain it caused to my adult children. What I am finding out is that family therapy is necessary. I was very uncomfortable today. I know that over the next little while, I am going to continue being uncomfortable. It is going to take a lot of time for each of us. One thing that did come out, is that each one of us is committed to becoming a better, stronger, healthier family. We were all there for the best interest of ourselves and each other. So...Each session, each assignment, each, day will get better. Nothing of any worth comes without pain. As Nelson and I walk through this with our family, I know that working on myself and dealing with what I need to alone, is even more important. I have to take care of myself, and listen to God and the pain so that I can release more trauma. I think we all have to do that for ourselves. I have spent an entire lifetime, only taking care of others, and being told that anything I did for myself was selfish. That was drilled into me as a small child. Now, I know that this is not true. Taking time for myself is very important. Another thing I noticed is how differently we all processed certain situations that we spoke about today. The therapist asked a lot of questions. She wanted to evaluate where we each were so that she can best help us. As we each answered the questions, we each had our own take on what we thought. There were a few things that we were the same with, and then there were things we each thought very differently about. It is very interesting how we can be under the same roof, and in the same family, and experience the same event very differently. That is what has to be taken into consideration. That is the very hard part. As we navigate through our family therapy together, I will have more on how it is going and what Nelson and I are learning about ourselves and our adult children. I want to make it clear that only two of our adult children are in attendance. Our estranged adult child is not. Will she ever join us? I have no idea. I do know that the 4 of us will be better for attending. That is enough for now. Please comment below with your own thoughts if you wish. I would love to hear from you. My goal for this blog is to tell you our journey of healing, and hopefully others will find a place for support. Please realize that this is a safe space, and any negative comments will be deleted. Until tomorrow...Be blessed. #estrangementandfamilytherapy #familytherapy #estrangement #selfcare #estrangementwithadultchild

What is the first thing we tend to do when something hurts us deeply? We tend to call our family and friends and reach out for support and aid. After a while, we need to take a look at what real healing is, and how we can do it and need to do it alone. It isn't that we don't need the love and support of others, it is that fact that when we are hurting and need to heal, we are the only ones that can do it. Involving others doesn't help. If I had surgery and need to learn to walk or talk again, I would need the support of my loved ones, however the work to accomplish the healing is mine and mine alone. It is the same with a broken heart and deep emotional and mental wounds. The work that is needed for my own healing is between me and God alone. I believe my daughter chose the list above. I believe when things got overwhelming for her, she chose the things on the list above. It is a very wise choice. I have to say, I am choosing it for myself. I also know that there are a few things I can do that will help me to heal in a better way. I have realized over the past few months that no one is going to be able to help me heal except God and that my complaining and crying and talking about it with others isn't helping and can be overwhelming to the people to whom I am talking. I even realize that I need to change the course of what I am writing in this blog. I started out pouring out my pain over the estrangement with our adult child. It was what I needed at the time. Now, I find that I need to do something that is more helpful to me and to whomever reads this blog. There is only so much whining a person needs to do in one lifetime. Heal or not, it is up to me. We are starting family therapy tomorrow. God is with me no matter what happens in this first meeting. It is the first step to learning new family habits and breaking the chains of the generational problems that Nelson and I brought into our family and to follow God and allow the broken parts to be mended. I am in my own therapy and so is Nelson. I can't speak for what he does in his therapy, however, I know in mine, I am working on developing better ways of dealing with stress and anxiety. I am learning to choose to keep focused on doing the work towards my goals, even if I have something to upset me or fill me with anxiety. Today, after I worked with my students, I told myself, "You did a great job! I am proud of you!" That is a good habit to start. I am adding getting back to the gym and eating a 1400 calorie a day, high protein diet to my regimen. I am spending my quiet time in the morning with Bible Study and prayer time. I am working on clearing my mind and breathing. I am committing to saying, "Yes," ONLY to things that bring me joy and that move me towards my goals and purpose. If it interrupts my work towards those things, I have to say, "No." There are dreams and goals that I have had all of my life. I have to deal with those things for myself. No one else can do that for me. Training myself to work on my music and delve into the deep world of continually shaping myself into a true artist is the goal that I have always kept in front of me. I have had many things distract me from this path. I am making the firm decision to not be distracted. I gave up so much raising my children and taking care of others. In many ways, it was necessary and I do not regret it. However, when I take a good look at the estrangement I have with my adult child, I realize that by not taking care of myself, I allowed my issues to become a problem for others. Making the right decisions, setting boundaries and doing the healing alone, facing the problems and dealing with them alone, is the best thing I can do. My issues do not belong to anyone but me. When I say that I need to heal on my own and alone, I mean that I do not need to involve anyone else in filling the void, so that it distracts me from actually listening to the grief and pain and then doing what it tells me I need to do in order to heal. That could mean exercise, mediation, affirmations, prayer, walking, journaling, whatever it takes to heal, that is what I have to do alone. It means not filling every single moment with busyness, so that I can avoid feeling the grief. It is hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is absolutely necessary. It is only then, when I know that I am healed from the trauma, the pain, the sorrow, the regret, and I have learned to love myself and others, that I will be ready for the best that God has for me. Make no mistake, I know God is with me through all of this. I just don't need another human being to distract me from the work that I must do. I want to know the blessing and abundance that God has in store for me on this earth. I alone am responsible to do that work. I hope this helps someone who is going through something similar. I am looking forward to hearing how you are doing. I am excited for the journey I am on. #estrangementjourney #healing #healalone #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

It is easy to become distracted when you are estranged from your adult child, and we are with our daughter. You want to search for answers and solutions. I have found that we want to get the problem solved as quickly as possible. The truth is that the problem isn't going to solve quickly. It takes time. We are praying that this season will be short. As good as that sounds, it is too long. Any amount of time is too long. What I am learning is this is a distraction. I can research and work on becoming better for myself and my family. I can go to therapy. In fact, we start family therapy this coming Wednesday. That is a good thing. It will give everyone a chance to improve. Our estranged daughter will not be there. She is not a factor in our family therapy. Maybe one day she will be, for now it is the 4 of us. I have realized how much this estrangement has sucked up time in my life. It has been a major distraction for months now. It is time for that to end. I started to write about how long it has been. I changed my mind. The time that has passed doesn't matter anymore. What does matter is that I do things that make me happy. What matters is that Nelson does things that make him happy. What matters is that we serve God and love other people. That is the best that I can do. I have been given the opportunity to do 3 shows in the next few months. I want to focus on getting ready for those things. I want to grow my studio more and care for my students and the new students that I will meet in the future. I want to take care of myself and my husband and my home. I also have have a Scentsy business that I would love to see grow. I have enough on my plate. I have enough to keep me occupied and I have enough to focus my energy in a positive way. No need to put my mind on the negative. Abundance is the answer. Loving in abundance, living in abundance, giving in abundance. I have learned that coming from a place of lack only makes you needy. Needy for the approval of others, needy for pleasing people. When this estrangement started I wanted the approval of my children and I wanted to please them. Now...it doesn't matter. I love my children with all my heart. That is the best I can do. Now I am focusing on my singing, getting stronger, and building my businesses to the best of my ability. That is where my focus needs to be. My estranged daughter has her own issues going on, and I pray she is healed every single day. I can do nothing about it at this point. Nelson can do nothing about it at this point. She wants no communication. To be honest, that is a relief. Oddly enough, I am more excited about writing and letting the subjects be more about how I am working each day to focus on what I can do on a daily basis, rather than what I can't. Yea! I get to write about awesome students, great Scentsy products, good friends, and working on singing and shows. And maybe a little about family therapy. It is nice to think about changing the story by writing the newest chapter. I am ready for a change. #estrangement #newchapterinestrangement #estrangemenwithadultchild #focusonwhatyoucando

I spent time on the phone today with my BFF, Angie. Ang for me. I have three very close friends. I am to blessed to have them. Angie, Preston, and Eugene. I could not go on without them. Angie is my best friend from High School. She has known me to longest of the three. We spent the night together so many times. We shared so many laughs. In the days when, "cruising," was popular, we would ride around town together. As teenagers, we dreamed together, cried together, planned together, schemed together, made late night cheeseburgers together, went to movies together, you get the gist. Our favorite cartoon character was Garfield. We laughed at his sarcasm. I think it helped us both. We never have had a bad word to say to each other. With what I have been going through lately, and what she has been going through, we have needed that firm foundation of a long time friendship. We talked for a long while today. I was very happy to hear her voice. She was so very supportive of me and encouraging me in the situation of estrangement I am in with my adult daughter. She reminded me of who I am. She reminded me that I must be who I was born to be, no matter what. Angie, Preston, and Eugene all are my towers of strength and help me through this difficult situation. Sometimes you have to have your friends. I have mine. When you surround yourself with your friends you are reminded of the core of your heart. In situations like I am in with my estranged daughter that is much needed. They each remind me that I am loved and that I can endure. They remind me that I have much to give, and that there is so much good within me. They don't let me fall into the trap of feeling like a failure at being a mother. Today, Angie lifted me up and gave me the strength to know that I have to let my adult children fall and pick themselves up. She had a situation with her own daughter that caused them not to speak for a while. She told me that sometimes our adult children have to hit rock bottom before they realize they had it pretty darn good with us as parents. Not everyone has that situation, however, our children did. Her daughter came around and is doing great. Mine will do the same. Nelson and I start family therapy with our other daughter and our son this coming week. I am praying we can work together, learn to communicate well, and gain coping skills that help us become a stronger family. I have to honestly admit, being the parents of adult children is hard. No one ever warns you about that, so I am warning you. I am praying for God to use our family therapy to help me learn to enjoy being the parent of adult children. So far, it has not been too much fun. I turn back to Garfield and Odie. They make me smile. Seeing them brings back so many great memories. They make me laugh. If you do not know them, you need to get to know them. At this time in my life, I need all the humor and laughs I can get. Angie, I love you. You always know how to remind me that I was loved before and I am loved now. Preston, I love you. You, like Angie, bring me laughter and let me know that I am awesome regardless. Eugene, what can I say to tell you how much I appreciate you. You are more than a friend, and more than a brother, I am going to have to make up a word one day for what you are to me, because there just isn't a word to describe what we are, siblings doesn't quite make it. Thank you for being there always. How blessed I am to have three friends that are my heart and soul. God did something good for me, when He brought you three into my life. Garfield and Odie, thanks for showing that friendship is worth it, no matter what. My friends let me know that I have a life worth living outside of the part of me that is a mother. I have value beyond motherhood. Before I had children, I had friends. That is good to know. Praise God for that knowledge! #yougottahavefriends #garfieldandodie #bestfriendsareawesome #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

Since my estranged adult daughter sent her email, Nelson and I have had a lot of discussion. Through the wisdom of one of my sweet friends from my trip to Italy, we are taking the step to seek out a family therapist. I contacted my other daughter and my son, and they both agreed to attend family therapy with us. I am searching for a family therapist that can work virtually and in the two states that my family lives in. My daughter who is speaking to me, lives in Virginia, while Nelson and I, and my son live in Tennessee. It is a bit complicated because the therapist will have to be licensed in both states. We will figure it out. It is an important step for our family. The four of us need to work on our relationship skills together so that we can be a healthier unit. I am glad that my other two children agreed to work with us. That is a positive step in the right direction. Will it change our relationship with our estranged adult daughter? I have no idea. However, it will give us the skills the love one another and support one another in a better way, so if she ever decides to speak to us again, we will be better prepared. It is so strange thinking about all of this conflict. We were never the family that screamed and yelled and fought constantly. There was no violence, drugs, or alcohol. Our children were a dream to work with, and I never had a complaint about them. They were loving and obedient. Not perfect, but not hard. As teenagers, they didn't stay out late, break curfew, party, all the things you expect a teenager to do. They didn't yell at each other, or call one another names. Now having a daughter who is estranged from us is really weird. Yes, we had stress and drama. My mother had dementia and lived with us for 10 years and we took care of her until she died. I was very close to my mother, and my husband and children helped me a lot. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard work and hard to watch her deteriorate. My estranged daughter was my main helper, and she stayed to give me support and help. During that time, I had another close family member to get in a lot of legal trouble and that caused a ton of stress as well. And we had a lot of financial stress that my husband and I were not on the same page about, so there were many stressful conversations. There was stress on top of stress on top of stress. It just about put me under. I'm sure at this point that all of that contributed to my daughter wanting to leave, and cut off all communication. We are very sorry we didn't hear her and see how much of a struggle she was having. I admit, I was too focused on my own junk. Realizing this now, we are going to family therapy. We said, "No More," we need to turn this around. We will do what it takes. It is not easy to change. It is not easy to admit you screwed up, and maybe you weren't as good at parenting as we thought we were. Nelson and I are looking deep in the mirror at ourselves every single day. This is our next step and it takes courage. Today, Nelson and I had to spend a good bit of time untangling the knot of not being on the same page all the time. We started with what we have in common. We only focused on what we have in common and how we want to work on those things to benefit our relationship. In the end, we want the same thing, to have a joy-filled, healthy, thriving relationship, where we are able to reach our common goals and dreams. That was a good conversation. A great step in the right direction. Our main tool is listening. Really listening to each other. We will be taking that into family therapy with us. We are looking to take another positive step tomorrow. We have our plan for the week. Let's do this.

The email from my estranged adult child, with explanation, finally came. It was the kick in the gut we were expecting. The pain and anger she is feeling is overwhelming to her. The pain, hurt, regret, feelings of powerlessness, loss, failure and grief are overwhelming to me. Facing the fact that you failed as a parent, and it caused your child pain, is horrific. There is nothing more I can do or say. She asked us to not contact her at all. No emails, no texts, no letters or cards. Not that I was doing that much. I randomly sent her an email every 6 to 8 weeks, maybe even less. I did not text her unless I sent an email to let her know I had sent an email. I had no idea if she received them or not. For all I know, she could have been deleting them. The most recent email I sent was a specifically crafted email that I had done to apologize to her for anything I could have done to cause this estrangement. I followed the instructions from experts in the field of estrangement. The only good thing about it was that she responded and explained her position. I appreciate that much at least. She said in her email that she forgives us. She just is dealing with too much hurt and anger to be in a relationship with us at this time. I suppose that is fair. We accept the things that she said. Her feelings are valid, because they are her feelings. As her parents, it doesn't really matter what we feel. That is part of the job as a parent. I have to put how I feel aside and deal with that in my own therapy. I have to find my own outlets to release my feelings. At this time I could spew out all kinds of things about how I feel. Hurt, anger, frustration. The Bible says in James 1: 19-20 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." The Bible goes on to say in James 3:6, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." To be like Jesus is the goal. To accept responsibility for myself and myself alone is probably the hardest job I will ever do in my life. Accepting full responsibility, period. Apologizing and giving no excuses for my behavior. For my adult estranged daughter, any justification behind any of my actions on non-actions make no difference. She is in pain, and that is all that matters. She is an adult, and as an adult she has to take responsibility and work out her own pain, in her own way. I cannot help her with that part of her life. As hard as it is for me, she has a harder job. She has the hardest part. Do I think this is a waste of time? Yes. Life is so short. I have already lost one child years ago. I do not want to lose another. Yet, I do feel as though I have lost her. My grief is deep. I have cried and cried. She is gone. Forever? I do not know. Will she come back? I do not know. The only thing I do know is that this has changed me. My heart is completely broken. As I write this, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me, "I will put it back together in a better way." I understand that it will take time. I can say, that Nelson and I are committed to doing what we have to do to heal and strengthen our relationship. That is the best that we can do for our family. I look at photos of my family, and our smiles. The many photos of us laughing and having a good time. The closeness that we all shared. Now, that dynamic has drastically changed. All it took was one wrong turn that started out seemingly insignificant. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I will never be the same, Nelson will never be same, and our family will never be the same. My sincere prayer is that in never being the same, it will turn into something better. Right now I do not know the future. I only have now. So...today I have been cleaning house. I am sweeping out the dirt and dust from the past. I am changing out and updating photos. I am getting rid of past things that I have held onto that have no real value or significance now. Things have shifted and I want my surroundings to reflect our life now, not our life then. What has happened between us and our estranged adult daughter is now a thing of the past. When I feel like crying, I allow myself to cry. I do not allow myself to deny my feelings. I have always faced the storm. I have never run from a storm, nor have I hidden from one. I will use the words, my daughter used when she ended her email to us. Until then...I am looking at my memories that were happy and good, and thinking of the words of Humphrey Bogart, "We will always have Paris." I love you Rachel. My door is always open, and the kettle is always on. #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #griefinestrangement #lookingtobetterdays

I got up this morning and got ready for my day. I had a doctors appointment with my new Primary Care Physician. I really like her. I like the people in the office too. They were very open and friendly. They listened and were interested. That is rare in our medical system today. It was interesting. My new doctor likes to sing. She said that she was interested in calling me and taking some lessons. I told her I would be happy to help. There was also a really great idea tossed around about another singing opportunity. A possible one woman show. This was something suggested to me a few years ago. I am going to take it seriously and work it up. It is going to take a good bit of work. I think I am up to it. My friend, Preston, told me to be brave and do it. I am grateful for the encouragement. Now I am looking for a music arranger. I have some other things that I have to do as well to make this new idea work. I am saving those details for later. While all of this was going on, I was still dealing with the fallout of yesterday. It is going to take a while for me to shake that off. This new opportunity will help. I am glad for it. While I was thinking about all of this, I also thought for a while about sending another email to my estranged daughter. There is so much I want to say to her, I don't know where to start. I thought about all the things I could say, I could tell her how hurt Nelson and I are, and how it doesn't help to not talk it out. I could tell her how much we love her and that whatever the problem is, we are open and willing to listen to her. I could tell her how much pain and anger this causes. I keep coming back to one thing...when I read books about estrangement and listen to podcasts about estrangement, the message that stands out is that the ball is in her court and there is really nothing I can do. That is the hardest part. There is a narrow road to walk when you are estranged from you adult child. I am not sure of what to do. I am not sure of what choice to make. Over the years, the biggest piece of wisdom I have learned about make decisions when you are not sure what is right, is to wait, pray, and be still. In the stillness, God will speak to me, and the answer will come. I know if I use my own wisdom, I will mess everything up. I will move to fast. I will push her away. Waiting patiently, and being still and listening for God's voice in this matter is the best choice I can make. As I am writing this, I am encouraging myself in the area. There are other opinions that I am taking into consideration as well. However, for now, I am waiting and staying still. Does that mean I am doing nothing? No. It takes self-control, and a lot of it. I have to constantly redirect my thoughts and feelings about this estrangement. I am working on putting this one woman show together. I am writing this blog, that is another thing I am doing. I am working with my students, whom I love. I am concerned about all the time that passes. Time is the commodity that we cannot get back. Once it is gone, it is gone. I honestly believe that this estrangement is an unnecessary waste of time. Yet, I am in it, and I cannot change that part. While I am waiting, I am working. I am working on me, I am working on my dreams, I am working on my relationship with God. God is always good, and always provides a way. So, no matter happened yesterday, today was better. Another way God provided support for me. I am thankful. #estrangementtakespatience #gratitudeisgood #bestill #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

This was a tough day. Nine months have gone by since my daughter had any communication with me, and then another major issue cropped up. It made me wish I was back in Italy. Truth is, it made me wish I was anywhere, just not here. It isn't the location, it is the circumstance. It would be great if I could only deal with one issue at a time. Now I have two. It really stinks when the people closest to you let you down. It hurts. Pain on top of pain. It really seems endless. Just a merry-go-round. I reached out to my children's dad, just for a little support. I received no response. I cannot tell you how tired I am of the silence. It makes me so disappointed. I am also disappointed in that fact that I trusted a person close to me and they betrayed that trust. Yet, as I write this, I know that tomorrow is a different day, and I pray and have faith that God will keep lifting me up and help me walk stronger tomorrow. Bad days are inevitable, and people are going to mess up and fail me. My biggest struggle is seeing them make the same mistakes, over and over and over and over, and not having any control over it. At times I feel like I am just helpless and powerless. I have the impression that no matter what I do, the fallout from the mistakes of others is just going to continue to spew all over me. I am exhausted and am at the point that I have to make a decision for myself to not be there for the fallout. I have had enough. I can no longer allow someone else's issue to affect me. I believe I am going to have to make a larger change for myself. I have to ask myself, "Why do I continue to allow this behavior around me?" The answer is, I have believed I don't deserve more. Now I know that I do. I am tired of not being thought of, I am tired of not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I believe that I deserve more. I can no longer tolerate the selfish, self-involved behavior that I have lived with for years. I just can longer give energy to it. I have given and given and given. I am at the end of what I can give. I have survived another Bad day. Knowing that I have a 100% record of getting through bad days is not enough anymore. I don't want to just live my life surviving bad days!! Yes, I am ranting. I am at a breaking point. I do so much work!! I truly do! I would just like to see the people around me do the same. I cannot express how angry and disappointed I am right now. I have been abandoned and kicked in the teeth by those who are supposed to love me. I am thankful to God for pouring out His compassion and love for me in this moment. This day was difficult at best. I am so thankful for my friend Preston who took me to dinner and asked me to help him celebrate something good he had happen. That made the day more tolerable. Thank you Preston for always loving me. You were God's gift to me today, and I am appreciative. As for the rest. I am glad it is over. Time for bed. #survivedtheday #stopabandonment #estrangement #giveemotionalsupport #estrangementwithadultchild