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I spoke with a good friend today. We had a conversation about being in the same boat when it comes to estrangement. Both of us have adult daughters that refuse to speak to us. We are in similar and different situations at the same time. Their daughter is still in college. Mine is not. Their daughter has communicated her intense resentment and anger towards them. My daughter has not. While it is a great relief to me to have someone to talk to that definitely understands my pain, I do not want them to feel one moment of this heartache. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. This prompted me to ask the question, "What the Heck? Why is this an option for our children?" I understand if the parents were physically abusive, or neglected their children. There are many children that grow up with parents who have drug addictions and alcohol addictions. There are also those who grow up in homes where they are sexually abused. In these cases, I completely understand if they decide to separate themselves from their parents, especially if the parents refuse to change in any way. However, many parents are completely puzzled by the sudden silence of estrangement from their adult child. That is what happened to my husband and me. The shock and surprise leaves you feeling nothing but pain and abandonment. I have no explanation. No reason, just silence. I know my friend that I spoke to today is just as puzzled. They worked to provide, and be present and active in the lives of their children. So did my husband and I. Experts are saying that family estrangement is on the rise. Some even say estrangement is getting close to being an epidemic. The generation that Gen Xers are raising right now are more educated and more privileged than ever before. Our adult children have more classes on Psychology and Political Correctness than we ever had. The resources that they can tap into due to the surge in computer technology and the internet is endless. All of these things are wonderful...until they aren't. Social Media today leans towards giving short talks on Narcissism and Toxicity. You can especially find these subjects on TikTok and Instagram. In our fast paced world, our adult children get information quicker, however, they also are quicker to believe they have all the information. The fact is, most of the time they don't. It seems to be more and more common to just cut out the things that bother our adult child. It is becoming more and more an act of personal expression and identity. Instead of growing and learning and gaining resilience, this generation of adult children are tending to just walk away from their relationships with their parents. This seems to be the new way of declaring independence. Unfortunately, more often than not, it is simply avoidance. Instead of showing real maturity, and facing the issue, and working to communicate on an adult level with their parents. From my perspective, I would do just about anything to solve the estrangement between me and my daughter. I think most parents would. I am going to therapy, working on issues, making real changes, learning how to deal with the trauma I have lived through in my life. I am willing to go to family therapy, whatever it takes to heal my relationship with my daughter. I believe that individualism and separatism and rapant diagnosis/labeling, is on the rise. As a result our adult children are much quicker to place these labels on their parents. Ok...We all have issues!!! We are all human. We all make mistakes. We don't all have Borderline Personality Disorder, or Narcissism. Can we just admit that we all have a little bit of everything? I am a person, a flawed, beautiful, wonderful, broken, fallen, traumatized, talented, intelligent person. God loves me!! I am loved by the Creator of the Universe and I am not His mistake! He made me in His image! This goes for everyone on the planet. What is needed is a culture of inclusion, interdependency, support, connectedness, acceptance, and mutual reliance. Instead of running away from things we don't like, we need to draw together and make a cooperative change. The good news in my research is to find out that most estrangements reconcile. It may happen later than sooner. The research gives me hope. In the end, no matter what is said on Social Media that may or may not be an influence in my adult child's life, I have to continue to make the necessary changes in myself in order to live a healthier lifestyle. The truth, this is one of the most painful, torturous, situations I have ever gone through in my life. Every day, I see parents with children and it hurts. I pray they never experience what my husband and I are going through. This is why my working on becoming healthier mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically is so important. Having your adult child just suddenly stop talking to you or seeing you with no explanation is terribly traumatic. It is important for me to be patient with myself and do good things for myself during this difficult time in my life. I am a person who faces her problems head on. I pray that our adult children will decide to do the same. #estrangementepidemic #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #givesupport

Tonight, Nelson, my friend, Preston, and I went to a karaoke place for chicken wings. No, I do not do karaoke, neither does my husband or Preston. We just thought it would be fun to watch others and have some chicken wings. We did have a good time. It was a good idea. We all need to blow off steam and laugh. Laughter is a good way to heal. Laughter lowers my anxiety and helps me feel more like myself. The people singing karaoke were having a good time, and we sang along at our table. Great fun was had by all. It has taken quite a while for me to start feeling myself again. I work on it every single day. Each day I make the decision to do good things for myself and inch forward. That is the best I can do under the circumstances. While someone was singing karaoke, they had chosen the song, "To Make You Feel My Love," tears started streaming down my face. My daughters had danced a ballet to that piece when Nelson and I got married. All I could think about was how beautiful they both looked, and how precious that moment was in my life. In that moment, at our wedding, watching the dance, I could never have imagined that one day in the future my daughter would stop talking to me. So, now, I forge ahead. Some days are better than others. This one was pretty good. I do research to help myself. I work with my students. I practice. I have a therapist. I journal my prayers, I work with my dogs. Honestly, I am making it up as I go. I keep what I want to do in my focus. There are things that I am determined to accomplish. If we are all transparent, I believe that we all would admit we are just winging it as we go. I am not saying that imposter syndrome is what is going on, I do not feel like an imposter. I just know that I don't have all the answers and I don't always know what to do. That is why I research and read books, listen to podcasts, and go to therapy. Also, I pray A LOT! It is hard to know which decision is the best decision and the right decision. All I know is that now I am taking more time to work out what it is front of me, before I jump into a situation. When I look back on what I believe I contributed to the estrangement with my daughter on my part, I believe it was my anxiety, lack of control and coping skills for the trauma and anxiety that I experienced that led to the estrangement. I believe that my daughter needed to get away from the issues that I was having. That is a hard thing to admit. I ask myself, was I winging everything then or now? Right now, I am simply living to move forward and do better. I am proud of myself. I am proud of the changes that I am making and the work I am doing. I am proud that I am moving forward. I am proud that I am building a new life for myself. I am thankful to God for providing the opportunity and the support system. An estrangement is like a divorce. Especially one that comes out of the blue. You had a relationship and then suddenly you don't. It leaves you spinning with self-doubt and heartache. Nothing happens within a relationship that doesn't have two parts. Relationships have two people. My job now is to improve myself daily. That is where the singing helps and the winging it stops. I know what to do within the parameters of improving myself. I am grateful that I do. #singitorwingit #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #laughterhelps

Today was very interesting. I attended a meeting with my close friend Preston. He asked me to go to a meeting being held by the people here in the city we live that are involved in getting the help and information out into the community about prevention and treatment of HIV/AIDS. It was very interesting information. Some of the information I was aware of, and some of it I was surprised to find out. For instance...Did you know there is a pill/injection out there called PREP? This drug is available for people who are at high risk for sexual activity. It helps with the prevention of contracting HIV. You can receive it in pill form or injection form. The injection lasts for up to two months. I also found out that 70% of new HIV/AIDS patients are African-American. African-Americans make up 1/3 of the population of the United States. That is a huge percentage of the African-American population that are affected by HIV/AIDS. I am processing a lot of information from this meeting. While HIV/AIDS doesn't have to be a death sentence anymore, it is still a huge issue. As long as people continuing having sex, STDs and HIV/AIDS will always be a problem. What in the world does this have to do with estrangement with my daughter? There are always going to be issues in the world. It is up to us to do what we can to change the world in the best way that we can. Sometimes we come up on a situation that shows us there are bigger things to help with than our self-centered problems. This is one of those times. I am not saying that the separation between my daughter and me is unimportant. It is very important, and it needs to be resolved. I pray every single day that it will resolve. I just know that I have done just about everything I can do from my end. At this point, it is in her court. I have said over and over, I have to work to improve myself. I have to deal with my trauma and keep working on living my best life. I am doing that work. In the meantime, this opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others has presented itself. I am so glad it did. Within my heart, as much as I love my daughter and pray that she decides to speak to me again, I see that volunteering to help this committee is a better use of my time. It is a better use of my energy and my resources. There are so many people out there that are suffering. It is way more valuable to help alleviate that suffering in the best way that I can. HIV/AIDS has affected some of my friends. It doesn't get the attention it used to, and I realized today that we all can get so complacent. To get involved, to move forward in love, joy, and positivity, to show love to other people, that is what I need to do with my time. Sometimes we have to shift our focus. As a mother, I have spent so much time and energy on my children. Now that the parenting is done, and they are all adults living there lives, I can take that energy and do something that will make a difference and hopefully save someone's health and life. While my children will always be a priority, I love them very much, I can no longer be consumed by the pull of living my life for them. I am learning that I have to live my life for God and me. That is very important. Shifting my focus in a better and healthier direction. I am grateful today for my friend, Preston. I am grateful that he is in my life, and that he included me in this opportunity. I am glad I met the people I met today. It was a good day. Except for that last part... My little dog, Pippin, got out and ran off. He took us on a wild chase for 2 hours. We called and called for him. I love my little Pippin. I cried and cried. Just when we were about to go out again with our dog, Jace, and Preston's dog, Grace, to see if Pippin would come to one of them, Preston opened my back door and in walked Pippin! He was hot and his hair was full of leaves. We call him the little Emperor. He believes he owns the world and everything within it. It seems as if Pippin decided that He needed water and out of the heat, so he came back to his throne room. He had enough of surveying his kingdom for now. He knew where food, water, shelter and love were, and he returned to it. I have hope that one day soon, someone else that I know and love will decide the same. Until then...I choose to wait patiently and redirect my energy into doing something that will inspire others to make healthy choices for themselves. I believe that is a better use of the time God has given me. #hivaids #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #betterwithfriends

I am back from Italy. It was a long trip home. Four flight delays, I was awake for over 36 hours. I was glad to get home after that adventure. I found out that I really do not care much for the airport in Munich, Germany. The trip itself was great! I performed 4 concerts in a 2 week period and learned so much from my teacher, Neil Semer, and from Jorge Balca. I also learned a lot from my colleagues who were also there to learn and grow. The people there represented Denmark, Sweden, Holland, Germany, Portugal, Canada, The United States, England, France, Australia, Italy and Brazil. Twelve countries coming together to sing and learn and grow. Our love of singing and music tied us together and we bonded. It was wonderful to be a part of such a unifying situation. In the climate of our world today, I believe that we proved that music is a tool that can be used to bring people from all cultures and backgrounds together. Peace can be achieved through music as a common denominator. I loved every single person that I met. Do I feel that I came back changed? My answer is yes. Has my estrangement with my daughter changed? Unfortunately, no. While I was there, I faced the issue of working on tension in my body that is inhibiting my air flow. As a singer, your air being able to flow freely is essential. Without free air flow, singing doesn't work in a healthy manner. I had to spend time listening to the tension. I didn't spend time trying to figure out why I had tension, I had to meditate and spend time listening to my body and the tension, allowing it to speak. Listening is a big deal. Over and over and over, I hear Neil Semer say, "LISTEN!" I came back with a great desire to, "listen," more than I speak. When the tension spoke, I finally cried and cried. I cried in front of a masterclass of other professional singers. The tension told me that my daughter not speaking to me is causing the tension. I am feeling tension in my abdomen, exactly where I carried my twin girls when I was pregnant with them 29 years ago. Neil told me that she is an adult now, and I need to let her go. I know that the only way that I am going to solve the breathing tension is to let her go. Letting her go, and letting go of all expectations of interactions between me and my daughter, is a gut wrenching thought, however, it is necessary for me to be able to breathe again. Another friend that I met in Italy told me that I need to not give up. She has been estranged from her mother for 25 years. She told me to do whatever it takes to reach my daughter and work this out. Two opposite ideas, is it possible to do both? I think so. I came back with two ways of dealing with my estrangement with my adult child. I am using both. I am working on letting her go no matter what happens. She is grown up and capable. I am working second by second to accept and embrace the fact that I may never speak to my estranged daughter again. Let me be clear, I want to have a relationship with my daughter. However, I love her enough to let her go and know that she will be fine regardless. Holding on and holding on is not the answer. I live without my parents. Though I miss my mother very much, I am fine. The same goes for my daughter. I also have to remember that I am always the parent and she is always the child, even though she is an adult. In our relationship, I will never stop being the parent. The difference is I am a parent, and I am finished parenting. As the parent, I have to lead by admitting that I did not do everything right. I made mistakes. I have to make amends for those mistakes that hurt my daughter. I am learning how to change the unhealthy patterns in my life and replace them with healthy patterns. I am slowing down enough to think things through, instead of going with reactions that may not lead me to the result that I want. Before any reconciliation can occur, if there is any reconciliation, I first have to reconcile with myself. Living with my own trauma, and being led by trauma reactions is where I have to start. Lots of things went on when I grew up. I have already talked about them. I have already dealt with them. Now it is time to set myself free from the past and the trauma. Yes, all of the trauma happened, however it is not happening now. It is time for different choices. It is time for me to reconnect myself with me. The me I have always known that is inside of my heart. I have to parent myself. I have to help myself. That is what my therapy is there to accomplish. Many of my past reactions were from panic, fear and attempting to control situations. The realization that I have no control over anything other than myself is frightening to me. The only control I have is over the thoughts that I have and the things that I do, and my own reactions towards events that I experience. I am no longer willing to trade my mental and emotional health and my dreams in order to placate what someone else wants. I admit that I did those things in the vain hope that I could control the reaction of others. I wanted the love and approval of my parents, and others in my family. I have found that it only made me more anxious and more lost than I was before. It blurred my vision and gave me a warped sense of what was really going on in my life. That is something that smacked me in my face while I was in Italy. Now, after returning, I am making the effort to change, and improve. I am taking steps to move myself into a better place. I am putting better habits in place, little by little. Before I went to Italy, I had trouble leaving my house. Now that I am home, I have found that it is easy for me to leave and I want to get out and do things. I want to build something that gives me a similar culture to what I had in Italy. That was healthy and supportive. It was and still is filled with love and joy. I know that is worth my effort. Whether my estranged adult child wants to be a part of my life or not, I want that for myself. Do I want her to be a part of it? Yes, I do. I understand I have no control over whether she will or not. When I got home, I did send my daughter a text. I asked her if she had received my email from weeks back. I sent it to apologize, in the best way I knew how at the time, for all the things I had realized I had done to contribute to the pain that she feels. I also asked her in the text if she would be open to having a conversation. There was no response. I also sent her a friendly email, nothing heavy, just to check up on her. Again, I have had no response. I am actively setting her free, and I am actively letting her know that I care whether she is in my life or not. I will not write her or text her for another long while. No badgering, no begging, no panic, no fear, no shaming or blaming myself. I have already apologized and meant it. That is enough. She is free to respond or not respond. I continue forward. Do I miss her? Yes, I do. I miss her face, her voice, and her laughter. I miss her presence. I am just finished with spending all of my energy and resources on sadness. There are many worse things in the world to be sad about. Children starving and abused. Wars and people killing each other. Disease and homelessness. The list could go on and on. My estranged daughter is safe and has all she needs. I am safe and have all that I need. My energy is better spent helping those I can help and want my help. My energy is better spent on singing and living the life I dream of living. I made different choices today that were better than yesterday. I am grateful for that. So, yes, something changed in Italy, ME. #changeinestrangement #usingmyenergyforjoy #estrangementjourney #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

I have been in Italy a little over a week. This is day 9 to be exact. I apologize for the daily blog, not being so daily, while I have been here. There has been much going on. My daily schedule is fairly hectic. It is filled with rehearsals, lessons, coachings, classes, and performances. Tonight we have dress rehearsal for our 3rd performance. Time has flown by, I have enjoyed my time here and will hate leaving when Sunday the 7th comes. I have loved every moment. Today, I am learning about letting go. I have had a dual going on with tension in my singing the entire time I have been here. Unlike popular belief, just because you can sing, doesn't mean it just pops out of you and you know how, anymore than a fast runner without training will end up at the olympics. It takes training to be great. The body, soul, and mind have to work together to accomplish great singing. Here in Italy, I am in the middle of some of the best singers in the world. We all have something unique to give. Tension is not good for a singer. If there is tension, you must listen to the tension and let it tell you the story and guide you to let go. Today, I was in my coaching and I broke down into tears, real heartbroken tears. The reason? I bet you can guess, in three words, my estranged daughter. I finally admitted the situation out loud to people outside of my home. I have not wanted to admit it. There is too much shame and embarrassment involved. However, I think it is a part of letting go. I am human and I make mistakes. I am sure Rachel felt unlistened to and felt that my grip was too tight. That is something that I never meant to do. I cried and called her my baby girl. It was pointed out to me that she is no longer my baby girl, that she is full grown adult and I need to make sure that my vocabulary and my mind accept those terms. I know that is right. I have to ask myself if it is possible that I thought I was letting go of her and letting her grow up and be the adult that she has become, and I really wasn't in the "doing," of that action? Is it possible that I do not trust myself, and the job I did as a parent? Trust has always been a problem for me. I have been trampled on by so many people. Now, in this moment, I feel that I need to let all of that go, like a balloon that just floats away. By not trusting myself, and giving others a chance, I am just holding on tightly to past trauma experiences. I had rather be in the now. Even if the now has some pain to it. Today, right now, I feel pain. I also feel joy. The people here performing with me, are kind people. They are my kind of people. I would stay here in this atmosphere forever if I could. This is definitely the culture in which I want to live. The kindness and generosity of this group is incredible. It is real and tangible. So it is wonderful to be surrounded by so much support when I am facing such a painful separation from my daughter. I will be singing, "Walking After Midnight," as performed by Patsy Cline, in tomorrow night's concert. I am a concert artist. I am learning to let go, and realize that I am not responsible for everything. The ball is in Rachel's court. The game is not over. The score is Love v/s Love. Love gives space, and love trusts. I am reminding myself of that at every moment. As a concert artist, I can no longer tense up and try to make things happen. Life flows at its own pace and in its own time. Here's to me, letting go and not being tense about anything. Here is to loving and embracing where I am today, now, with all the pain and all the joy. #singinginitaly #estrangment #estrangementandlettinggo

The biggest question I have to ask myself is, "What do I want?" Of coarse, I want my estranged daughter to speak to me again. I also want to have a life that I love and that I feel good about. As a mother, there is a trifecta of identities that I deal with in my life. I am a wife, I am a mother, and I am just me. It is terribly hard to separate those identities. I think that becomes doubly so when you are a woman in the south part of the United States. No matter how progressive we have gotten, we have be taught to be polite, smile, get married, be a good wife and have children. Once you have children you are supposed to have a job and be a good mother. After a while, I forgot who I am, and I question if I ever knew. I did what I was told. Honestly, now that I can see my life more clearly, I believe it was just plain brainwashing. I never really had my own identity, other than singing. That is what I am working on now, in Italy, answering the question, "What do I want?" I am challenging myself over the next two weeks to put some serious time into thinking about it and deciding what I want. I am digging into the question. It is a serious question, a defining moment. I am working on me. This sounds very selfish. Honestly, yes, it is selfish. I have spent a lifetime doing things just to please other people, and it affected my nervous system in a negative way. I have to choose me. I am working on my recovery and listening to God. I started out in my work today, being a bit timid. I think I am going to dive deeper tomorrow. Challenging myself is what I need to do. I need to find the voice within me. When Rachel cut off communication, I felt as though she cut a part of my heart out and took it with her. I am still just trying to breathe through it all. There are days I feel are more solid than others. I think a part of her reasoning was to establish herself and know that she can function on her own. Do I think she could have spoken to me and discussed her feelings? Yes!! I believe this whole thing would have been better served if we had been able to sit down and have an honest conversation. Since that is not how this happened, I can only deal with my side of the problem. Do I believe it will all work out for the best and for the good of our family? Yes, I really do. It is just hard work to figure it all out. It takes strength and stamina. I pray God walks me through this difficult journey every single day. I can't make her talk to me. I can't make her call. I can't snap my fingers and all of this is fixed. What i can do is work on me, improve me, and figure out me. Those are things I can control. That is what I want for now. I want to keep improving me. Anything else just keeps me frozen. I have had enough of frozen. I want to keep moving forward, even if it is only an inch at a time. I keep doing what I am doing, until God tells me to do something else. It is what I want to do and what I must do. The best thing I do for myself is to write this blog. it helps me to make sense of things and get clarity. I am grateful. #whatdoIwantduringestrangement #estrangement #estrangementwithadultchild

I want to explain the difference between quiet and silence. There is a BIG difference. I do not experience silence as a positive, unless it is for stage and music. Silence is the absence of sound, it is heavy and prevents expression. Silence is empty. I experienced silence when my son, Jackson, died. There was nothing. I am not a fan of silence. Quiet is very different. It is the absence of noise and uproar. Quiet is stillness and tranquility. Quiet is not disturbed by disruption. Quiet associates itself with peace and freedom. Quiet is free from drama and emotional turmoil. These things are the differences between these two words. I do not care for silence. In 1993, my son died, and there was nothing left except silence. Silence came and there was nothing. No joy, just heartache and deep cries of loss. I did not know I could make those sounds. They almost seem inhuman when I think back on it. A part of me died with him. When we buried him, I wanted to crawl under the dirt with him. That is the heart of a mother. The soul wrenching inescapable pain of loss. A part of my body was buried. It was almost impossible for me to tear myself away from his grave. I collapsed walking away, and my father picked me up and put me in the car. It was too much for me to comprehend, leaving him there and going home. To this day it rattles me to the core. What I experience being estranged from my daughter is just like that time in my life. I didn't think I would ever revisit these feelings of loss and pain. Here I am feeling them again. It is not fun. Hearing her voice on the way to the airport was a great blessing to me. It also stirred up the pain in my heart. The longing to talk to her and hear her laugh. Silence is terrible. I am sitting in the lobby of my hotel. I see parents with their children. They are smiling and talking. It is wonderful to see their interaction. It is also very painful. I am thankful of my quiet little table in the corner to myself. The giggling of the teenage girls near me makes me smile. I am praying that I will hear that again one day. The laughter of my twin daughters, Rachel and Rosemary. Until then, I pray for strength from and God and lean on His mercy and kindness. Tomorrow I will leave for my destination in Italy. The next 2 weeks I will be surrounding by sound and music and beauty. I will have quiet and stillness. That is what music brings to me. I will focus and learned and grow in a beautiful atmosphere. I am looking forward to that type of quietness. There will be no silence. Just beauty and people that love music as much as I do. I am praying that I will not give any attention to Rachel's silence. I am praying that for a few days, I will forget I am a mother, and just be me, Crystal, the singer. There is nothing in estrangement. NOTHING. I grow and get stronger and change, my heart becomes more tender. I love more. All of this may be something. It is good for me to get better, I understand that, I just wish someone would tell it to my heart. I had 3 live children. Now, I have 2. At least 2 that want to be involved with me. I just know that I will never be able to get this time back. Today, it seems like wasted months for nothing. Wasted time for nothing. Ok, now back to Italy...and singing. #silenceandestrangement #estrangementfromadultchild #estrangement #estrangementandamothersheart

I am sitting in the airport in Munich, Germany right now, waiting for my flight to Milan. I have prepared and prepared. I brought everything I need with me. It is a bit difficult for my short little frame to navigate the luggage. I'm tough, I can do it! On my way to the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina to catch my flight, we stopped at my mother-in-law's house to pick up one last thing. I had left an important toiletry bag there on a previous trip. Nelson and I didn't have much time, so we packed my bag in the luggage. While we were in that process, Harriett's phone rang. She looked at me with wide eyes, she said, "It's Rachel, do you want me to tell her that you are here?" I said, "No." She answered and began her conversation with my estranged daughter. I could hear my daughter's voice over the phone. I sighed. It was the first time I had heard her voice since this past Christmas. Evidently her car had broken down and she was waiting for AAA to come. She called her grandmother to chat while she waited. While I am glad she checks in with her grandmother, I can't help myself in that moment. I felt sad. I had been so excited and peaceful. At that moment, I felt sad. Harriett hugged me while she talked with Rachel, something I greatly appreciated. Harriett made an excuse to quickly get off the phone and told Rachel she would call her right back. We said our goodbyes and Nelson and I left. On our way to Charlotte, N.C., Nelson seemed a bit down. I asked him, "Honey, are you ok?" He said, "I'm just sad, in the past Rachel would have called me for that kind of thing." I squeezed his hand. In my mind I searched for something to lightened the mood again, and get my brain going in the right direction. On of my favorite Bible verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I thanked God out loud for the fact that I got to hear Rachel's voice, even if it was across the room over someone else's phone. The struggle is real, and it can hit you from any direction at any time. My heart will always pull in the direction of my children. I am so thankful that God knows what I feel like, and is walking me through this difficult situation. I still have my focus on the work I am about to do in Italy. It hasn't distracted me from that path. I think this trip is the best decision I have made in a while. I will be doing something that I love and I am getting away from all the things that remind me of being a mother. Sometimes you just have to take that kind of time for yourself. Before I was a mother, I was an independent individual. I sang, I laughed, I had likes and dislikes. There was no thought of needing to do anything for anyone else. I can tell you that I am sorely overdue for time like that for myself. Reuniting with me is a good thing. In this moment, however, my heart wants to call her number and have her pick up so that I can tell her about his adventure I am one. She and I loved to have adventures together. That has come to a sudden and immediate halt. Tears stream down my face as I am writing this sitting in the Luftansa Lounge in Munich. An ocean divides us literally. I need to close out for now. I have to get ready for my connecting flight to Milan. When next I write, I will be writing from Italy. Please do not wish me luck. Say, "Toi, Toi, Toi!" You can also say, "Break-A-Leg," if you wish. #estrangedineurope #estrangedinmunich #estranged #estrangedfrommyadultchild

I love to travel. I love to explore new places and see new things. I made the decision that is it time to see and do something new. I went through years of feeling devalued and unappreciated. Now, I understand that first I have to value and appreciate myself. I am doing something really great for myself. Today, I spent all day finishing the last bit of preparations for my trip to Italy to sing. I have traveled to a lot of different places to sing, Italy has never been one of those places. Now it will be on my list of places I have performed. I am very excited about going. It is through this experience of estrangement from my adult child that I have moved to a place of doing something good for myself. The thing about estrangement is this: the main problem is me. In writing this blog, I want to be very clear. This is what Nelson and I have learned. "But Crystal, my child just accused me of a bunch of things and then cut-off all communication. It was unreasonable! I am having a hard time understanding that I am the problem! Doesn't my child have to take responsibility too? Does my child just get a free pass, especially after all I have done for him/her?" I hear you and I get it. Believe me, I get it. The fact is I can do absolutely NOTHING, about what my adult child takes responsibility for or doesn't take responsibility for, that is not something I can control. I do not believe that I am giving my adult child a free pass. I just choose to work on myself, and so does my husband. I can only control myself. I choose to be happy. I choose to do things that I love. I choose to pursue peace and joy. I choose generosity and I choose to love and help others. In a relationship, there are two people and both people are responsible for any problems and conflict that exist between the two of them. I have taken a look in the mirror and realized that I have tons of issues that I need to work on to become more of who God created me to be. That has nothing to do with my adult child. However, it does have an affect on our relationship. If I choose healthier behaviors, then anyone around me will benefit. This work has brought me to the realization that life is short and I want to continue to sing as long as I can. So...I am flying to Italy. Everyone has issues. Estrangement happens when family members are too entrenched in each others lives. It can become an encroachment to the adult child's ability to become autonomous. My job as a parent is to encourage and support my children to grow and become functioning adults and feel confident about making adult decisions, and can thrive in the world independent of the parents. Many adult children feel that their parents do not want them to grow up and leave. They feel smothered. They choose to leave and cut-off communication in order to exercise their independence and help themselves build confidence in their life and in their choices. The silence and distance is excruciating to the parents. It has been true anguish for me. For several months I could not think and had trouble functioning. I was very depressed. I have to admit, I was depressed for years before that. I just kept myself busy and did not want to deal with the depression. Now, I look at this whole estrangement situation with my daughter, and I am less concerned about her cutting me off and not communicating with me, and I am more focused on my life, my faith, my work, my singing, my loving, my generosity, and my walking out my faith in God. Does my heart hurt anymore, YES, every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. To know me, is to know how very much I love my children. I am just more and more comfortable with me and with making healthy choices for myself, and this leads me to be more productive and better equipped to accomplish my purpose. Rachel, has to do that for herself. For now, I trust God to watch over her, just as I trust Him to watch over my other two adult children. Since I trust God with them, that frees me up to enjoy the fact that I will be flying to sing in Italy tomorrow! I am starting to feel good again. I am seeing a bright light in front of me and I am following that light. I would encourage anyone that is estranged from their adult child to go on a journey of self-discovery and find a great therapist to help. Blaming your child and victimizing yourself is not going to make the situation better. Improving yourself and becoming healthier in mind, body, and spirit does help you. I still want to scream and cry. Nothing would have made me happier than to have Rachel go on this trip with me. I miss her terribly. Not being able to make memories with her makes me very sad. Not having any idea what she is doing makes me very sad. I pray that this will change one day soon. Until then, I choose not to make myself miserable anymore. I choose to take the healthier path and do good things with or without her. I will have eternity with her in heaven. I cling to that hope, and move forward. What better way to move forward than in Italy! I am finding my groove with no apologies. #italyandestrangement #movingforward #healthymindset #estrangment #estrangmentwithadultchild #findingmygroove

Our son, Jacob, is getting married soon. He and his fiance' have not set a date yet. It is rapidly getting to the time where they will. Jacob and his sisters are very close. The girls are twins, and the three of them are 13 months apart. They have always been more like triplets. Since they are a single child and twins, I have always called them twingles. They love each other very much. I know that Jacob will want his sisters to stand with him. I am the Groom's mother. I had a talk with him about the fact that if his sister, Rachel, is not talking to us at that point it is going to make for an awkward situation at his wedding. He replied, "I trust you both. You both love me and want that day to be joy-filled for me. I know that you both will do all in your power to make that happen." He is correct. I will do all in my power to make that a wonderful day for Jacob. It is hard to figure out how to be in the same room with your adult child who doesn't want to speak to you or be around you. I would love to pull her aside and ask, "What is your problem with me? Can't we just talk this out?" I realize that my reacting in that way is just going to cause a drama and steal from Jacob's joy. Admittedly, I haven't quite figured this one out yet. One idea I have is to remind myself that I need to treat my daughter as though she is a guest that I am thrilled came for Jacob. Someone that Jacob is very close to, (which is all true and I wouldn't be faking), and I am not. I can be cordial and polite and welcoming, as I would for a stranger, and then let Jacob and his sister Rosemary deal with it. I don't want to avoid Rachel, I just don't to make myself miserable. Another idea I have is to be the perfect hostess and put on a smile and act like nothing's wrong and that everything is still the way it should be. I hate faking things. I am not good with dishonesty. It usually puts me in a very bad mood when I can't be myself. I don't think I will use this particular tactic. My third idea is to keep myself distracted with wedding plans and making sure that everything is going smoothly. I can busy myself with errands and decorations and food. I can allow myself to stay out of the room due to wedding duties. This is probably my best option, as it helps me to serve Jacob and Sage, and keeps me focused on their happy day. No matter what I choose, family events are awkward, during estrangement. I know that Nelson and I will have to keep reminding ourselves that it is not about us and that we need to focus on Jacob, his fiance' Sage, and their happy day. It is about them, and not about us. I do not want to cause him one moment of pain. When I choose to focus on someone else, rather than on myself and my own feelings of powerlessness and insecurity, it always works out better for me. I am writing about this right now, because I am working on making decisions ahead of time. I am giving myself a boundary to work within. One of the things that happens frequently is the great misuse of boundaries in our culture today. "According to Brené Brown, setting boundaries means prioritizing your needs and practicing self-care without feeling guilty." When I decide to set boundaries for myself at Jacob's wedding, the boundaries are for me and my needs and the boundaries need to represent my values and decision-making on what is healthy for me. They are a guideline for me to follow and if I communicate them clearly, they will be respected. I am making decisions for my behavior, not for the behavior of others. I am working on a plan for myself. I have no control over what anyone else will do, or how they will behave. If being in close proximity of my estranged daughter causes me to tear up, I can excuse myself and go to the bathroom to practice my DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), by choosing to breathe, and using a coping thought and action. No one needs to know I am about to cry, or that I am having a moment of anxiety. A feeling is just a feeling and if I give it a moment, it will go away, and I can come back out and smile and enjoy my son's special day. The point of the day is to make a beautiful memory. That is exactly what I want. I am in charge of my own happiness. I am thrilled for Jacob. He has found someone he loves and who loves him in return. It is a true blessing to see his happiness and the happiness of Sage. Because I love my son, and my daughters, I chose to make the decision to put in whatever effort I need to in order to love them unconditionally. Putting my personal feelings of awkwardness aside is something I must do for myself and for them. I want to live with beautiful memories of a wonderful day in the life of my son. I also love my estranged daughter. Any poor reaction on my part only pushes her further away. By writing about this, I am making the decision to continue to practice my DBT skills and allow my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to change for the better. None of what I just said stops the situation from being awkward. It does give me a plan that I can execute to make everything manageable for myself. Honestly, this plan makes me feel good. I think I will stick with it! #familyeventsduringestrangement. #awkwardfamilies #boundariesandestrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #estrangement

Right up front, I am going to let you know that I struggle with the subject of maintaining happiness and stability when my adult child has cut off communication. My husband and I are going into our 9th month of estrangement from our daughter. I know there are many out there that have had years of estrangement from their adult child or children. That makes my heart hurt. I feel great empathy for others who are going through this distance that we have with Rachel. I would not wish this on anyone. It is agony. Which is why I struggle with maintaining happiness and stability. Tears are always right at the surface. My nerves are shredded. Yet, I am finding that it is becoming easier to allow myself to be happy regardless. As a mother, like other mothers, I have tied my happiness with the happiness of my children. I want to see them succeed and if they are struggling, my first instinct is to help. I am the first to admit that I want to save my children from the same struggle that I had. Growing up, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. We did not have much money, and my mother was the main money maker in the family. I started working at age 12 and I haven't stopped since. I did not spoil my children and they didn't always get what they wanted. I did work to make sure they had what they needed. I had to work and work and work. I put myself through college and had to work full-time. Financial distractions kept me from doing all that I wanted and dreamed of doing. I didn't want my children to have that struggle. I have helped when and where I can help. I am pretty sure that is where I failed with Rachel. I helped too much. It backfired. I invested too much of my own identity into my children and their happiness. That is where I lost myself. I believe that happens to a lot of mothers. Somewhere between, working, being a wife, and having children, I forgot that I am a person too. I began to resent it, then eventually, I became resigned to it. One day I woke up and have what I thought what going to be a helpful conversation with my daughter and it turned into an estrangement. Really!?!? Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Where am I? Who am I, if I am not the mother of 3? How do I even explain this to anyone? Where did "I" go? I asked myself, if I could go back to 21 or 22, knowing what I know now, what changes would I make and what would I do? I decided that whatever the answer to that question was, I would take that path. That is exactly what I am doing. The thing that is different is that I am armed with a lot of information. I am a singer. A really great singer. I want to learn all the languages I can, it will help me as a singer. I am traveling to Italy this Thursday to perform and work on my singing. I haven't allowed myself to invest in myself ever. I have the freedom and the time now. My children are grown. I am here to help them if they need it, however, my parenting years are now over. That is something that no one explained to me. Once they grow up and leave for college, or have a job and can support themselves, I am no longer responsible for them. They are responsible for themselves. I can stop now and just enjoy them as adults and I can enjoy my own life. Whether my estranged adult child EVER communicates with me again, I can move on and be happy. Just like when my son died 31 years ago, a day came that I laughed again. When something really funny happened, I laughed hard. It felt good. I felt life coming back into me: life and hope. Today was very busy. I had to do more last minute preparations for my trip out of the country. I had students to teach, make-up lessons to schedule, and practicing to do. All of these things bring stability back into my life. I feel like I am beginning to breathe again. I want to do good things for myself again. I am ready to have fun, meet new people, and see new things that I have dreamed of seeing and doing. It is good. God is good. It is another day that I am moving forward. I checked in with my daughter, Rosemary. We didn't get to speak. Our paths did not cross today. She is very busy working with her touring company on their summer productions. It is ok. It used to hurt my feelings if I didn't get to talk with her, and she didn't take time for me. I realize that is unhealthy behavior and thinking. I used to think, "I am her mother, if I call she needs to answer!" Now, I think, "She is busy and I am so proud of her." I moved on and kept working. My identity is found in God and myself, not in my children. They have to find their own path. My happiness is up to me. My stability is up to me. I am responsible for those things. The closer I get to God, the more I find myself able to see my life and who I am as an independent person that is capable and able. I am no longer lost, I am found. How did I find happiness and stability? By letting go of what was not mine to begin with. It all belongs to God. In the Fall, Nelson and I are planning to take Ballroom Dance lessons. We have always enjoyed dancing together. We are working on our relationship and our communication. We never really had the chance to date. I had children already. The time has come. I think the best things I have done through all of this situation is to take deep dives into myself and work on my relationship with God and my husband. In my prayer time everyday, I ask God to guide me, grant me wisdom, and heal me. Heal my mind, heal my heart, heal my spirit. I pray to God he rescues me from all darkness and leads me into the light. I can feel the deep depression I have been living in, leaving. Don't be deceived, it isn't just suddenly gone. I have to make a decision every single day to walk in the light. I have to plan how I am going to walk in the light. Then...I make the decision to walk in the light. Lastly, I take action and walk in the light. Evaluation, Set-An-Intention, Take Action. I talked about this a few days ago. This is what I do. As a result, I can see the depression fog clearing. The thing is, I have realized that I have to do this every single day, just like a drug addict or alcoholic makes a decision everyday to not take drugs and drink. I have to make the decision to live this way every single day. I have to work my program every single day. That is what is making the difference. I am proud of myself for making the decision to go work in Italy. It is only me. I am going alone, well, not exactly alone, God is going too. I am doing the work. I am investing in me. God will help me. He is showing me the way. I am getting out of my comfort zone and seeing if I can walk on water with Jesus. My eyes are firming set on Him. No matter what, everyday I think of my adult children, Jacob, Rachel and Rosemary. My three amazing gifts from God. I am just learning that they have to put their eyes on Jesus too. My staring at them is just a distraction from my eyes being on where my eyes need to be, on Jesus. My best idea for myself is to not let any distraction to keep me from my purpose. That is my plan, and I am happier and more stable for it. #estrangement #happinessduringestrangement #stabilityduringestrangement

Today is Father's Day. Special occasions days are a big challenge during our estrangement from our adult child. Each one that approaches has a bit of dread attached to it. My birthday and Mother's Day has already passed. They were extremely difficult. I cried. Going to church was really an anxiety inducing situation, because so many people said, "Happy Mother's Day." None of them knows what is going on with our daughter. They did not know how hard it was for me to hear those words, knowing that it was not a happy day for me. That day was very sad. I have three adult children, and only two of them are speaking to us. I felt like more of a failure than I can possibly describe. Father's Day is no different. Nelson handles things emotionally very different than I do. He wanted to enjoy the day, and the things I had planned for him and the children's daddy, Bob. Nelson and I went to church this morning with our son, Jacob, as we do every Sunday. I made reservations two months ago for a Father's Day Brunch. We had a wonderful time. Jacob and I had gifts prepared for both of them. It was very nice. Rosemary called and wished Nelson Happy Father's Day. No word from Rachel. Nothing...just silence. It is very hard to understand how an adult child can just choose to be so detached. I asked Nelson how he felt about it. He said that it was sad for him, however, he had chosen to have a wonderful day anyway, and be grateful for what he did have in his life. He was disappointed as well. He has been a father to the children since they were very small. It is hard to fathom. Bob didn't mention it, I'm sure he received a call. We are putting much into prayer, thought redirection, and the practice of gratitude. We have to focus on what we do have, and what we have been blessed with, and keep our focus on that. We have been blessed. We have one another, we have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter. They are kind and supportive. We are blessed that we can sit at a table on Father's Day with my husband, and the children's father and have a peaceful, wonderful time together. Not every family is able to do that part. We work hard to give love and support to my ex-husband, the father of my children. We have found a way to remain friends, no matter what the situation. That is definitely a blessing. We are grateful for Rachel as well. Though very disappointed and sad in the fact that she did not reach out to Nelson today, we are still grateful for her presence in our lives. If it weren't for this estrangement, Nelson and I would probably not be working as hard to become healthier mentally and emotionally as individuals and as a couple. We have her to thank for putting us in the position to take a look at ourselves in the mirror. God always has a plan, and even though it is painful, we are waiting hopefully for the result of the work He is doing in us. I could say that I am angry at Rachel, at times I am. I have had all the average feelings that accompanies estrangement. Anger, rage, grief, mourning, sorrow, sadness, anguish, feelings of rejection, disrespect, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, frustration, feeling lost, powerless, out-of-control, anxious, discouraged, have all dominated large portions of our lives. On special days like today, I want to scream, "HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR A MAN THAT HAS ALWAYS LOVED YOU?" The fact is, we know from researching and listening to experts, saying anything like that will only cause a larger rift to grow. We pray and wait, and wait and pray. We forgive and let it go, over and over and over. We remind ourselves of how much we love Rachel and that loving her unconditionally and releasing all feelings of resentment and being offended, is the right thing to do. She needs our respect. Rachel has made a decision to be on her own without us in her life for now. As an adult, she has every right to make that decision for herself. We don't have to like her decision, we do have to respect it. Distance can give you clearer perspective. That is the gift it is giving us. . I have to say all of these things are decisions we have to take a pause to make. They do not come naturally. My gut reaction is to say, "Fine! Don't call me! I won't answer if you do!" In this situation, I cannot allow my gut reactions to lead. If I do, I have no hope of having a relationship with my daughter. Plus, it shows extreme immaturity on my part. It is my experience that age does not give you maturity and wisdom. I am no longer in Kindergarten and the idea of, "I'm gonna take my ball and bat and go home," does not come close to being appropriate in this situation. Nelson and I choose to pause, and give her the space and respect she needs right now. Believe me, I had much rather go straight to where she is and knock on the door and tell her I'm not leaving until she speaks to me! I have to check myself and remember this isn't all about me. Part of my job as a parent is to allow my adult children to have the space to make their own errors and pick themselves up and learn about adulthood. Don't you wish that "they" had given us a manual on adulthood? No one tells you after 18 and college, (if you choose to attend), that no one really knows what they are doing, and that we are all just making it up as we go? Surprise! You graduated, fly be free, please clean up all the blood, gore, and entrails that you leave in the area where you SPLAT on the ground as you plummet from the sky! Have Fun!!! Learn and grow!!! WHAT THE HECK!?! What have we learned through going through 7 special occasion days since this estrangement started? Plan ahead, think it through. There is no right or wrong. The plan is to make the occasions as peaceful and healthy mentally and emotionally as you can. They will never be the and understand that there still good times to be created and memories to make that you CAN cherish, with or without your estranged adult child. This is what we do. There is no other choice. Anything else is simply promoting our own suffering. I am in enough pain as it is, there is no need to add to it. #happyfathersday #estrangement #estrangementandholidays