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I never thought I would find myself an estranged parent. I have said before that it wasn't something that ever entered my heart or mind. I mean, you give birth to your children, you stay up with them when they are sick, you love them so much. It really is like watching your heart walking around outside of your body. You lose sleep with the all night feedings. You take them to the doctor, the ball games, the music lessons, dance lessons, Boy Scouts. I made sure that they always spent time with their dad. We were divorced when they were little and we were completely committed to their weekends with their father. I look at the photo above, and I think to myself, "What went wrong?" Did I suddenly turn into a monster? Estrangement is heartbreaking. The beautiful baby girl I dreamed of and held, no longer wants to contact me, or spend time with me. Whatever is happening, I have to keep moving forward. This is the mindset I take every single day. Keep looking forward, keep growing and learning, be the best person you can be and don't look back. Love God, love your husband, love yourself, forgive yourself, serve others, be generous, and sing. For heaven's sake, Crystal, SING!!! Morning Routine My mornings have always been hard. I have my worst emotional issues in the morning. It has gotten better, however, pretty much all my life, I had severe anxiety in the mornings and I freeze. The worst time that I have in the mornings is when I have to wash my hair. Washing and drying my hair is a time when all I can do is think. I am beginning to flip all of that around. I have started getting up earlier, I have a cup of coffee that Nelson makes for me. I love how he makes my coffee. I do my prayer time and Bible Study and then I go for a walk. During my walk I usually listen to a book to help me improve my knowledge on the subject of estrangement. Then I come back home, feed the dogs, let them out, eat, and practice. My biggest challenge being estranged from my adult daughter is to not allow the separation to push me into self-sabotage. She is always on my mind and in my heart. I have cried oceans of tears and am grieving the loss. I have had to face the fact that I need to be my own person again. I have lost a child, and as life-altering as that was, I had to learn to move on and live. I miss him every single day, and look forward to seeing him again in heaven, I still cry from time to time. I moved forward then and I move forward now. The emotional impact of starting my day, and knowing I will go through another day without any contact with my adult child is distressing at best. I think about all three of my children every single day. I think that most mothers do think about their children daily. The hardest part is seeing the pictures around my house of her and the fun and precious memories I have of us as a family. The smiles and laughter, hugs and tears. Now there is silence. Workday Struggles Going through the workday is certainly a challenge. Being estranged from my adult child took away my confidence and for a while left me feeling rejected and useless. Her sister asked me one day,"Don't you want your daughter to be whole?" Of course, I do. My question is, "Why does it have to be at the expense of my heart?" What I have come to understand is that I am the parent. No matter what, I am the parent. As a parent there are sacrifices that I am required to make, even if that is at the expense of my heart. I have to trust that God has a way of healing my heart and helping her heart at the same time. I had no motivation to work at first. I just wanted the pain to stop. However, since I am self-employed, if I don't work, I don't get paid. Not working is not an option. It has been very helpful to me to work, it puts my mind on something else and has helped to build my confidence again. I love my students and helping them is very cathartic for me. I can help others and watch them succeed through my work, which is fulfilling. In my office, I surround myself with photos of my successful students and fun performances we have had. That helps to cheer my heart and remind me I am not a failure, and that I am loved and appreciated. I no longer share that with Rachel. It is mine and owned completely by me and the work God puts in front of me. Does my heart ache during the workday? Yes, absolutely. Especially when I think of times that Rachel would help me in the studio. I redirect my thinking during those times and remind myself that I am good and that I am not alone. Coping Strategies I use several coping strategies that help me tremendously to deal with being estranged from my adult child. Each one of these I find to be essential to my recovery and finding joy again. Prayer Time and Bible Study. This is the time I can connect with God for peace and healing. I journal my prayers. I find journaling to be a very healing form of expression. I hold nothing back. God can handle anything we have to say. I tell him everything and do not filter anything. 2. I go to weekly therapy Therapy with a qualified therapist is necessary if you want to heal. Also, if you have any hope to reconcile with your adult child, then therapy is an absolute. Most likely you need a Trauma Therapist. According to most information in the research I have done, estrangements are usually connected to trauma the adult child experienced as a result of their parent's unresolved childhood trauma, or trauma of some sort. Be aware that there is a difference between Trauma Therapist and a Trauma Informed Therapist. Make sure that you find a Trauma Therapist. Regardless of whether you have suffered from trauma in your past or not, you have now because it is traumatic to be estranged from your child. 3. Use R.E.S.T This anagram I learned from doing my own therapy. I do a therapy called DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). In practicing this very intense therapy, I have learned to use this technique. The R means relax...Take 15 minutes to stop and just breathe. In through the nose for a count of 5 and out through the mouth for a count of 5. Next is E...evaluate. Evaluate whether you are in danger or not. Danger means, imminent danger. If the answer is NO, then move on to Set An Intention...Choose something that you like and will help to soothe your nerves and negative feelings and thoughts. Then, Take Action. Stop what you are doing that triggered your emotional reaction and take action to do the intention that you set for yourself. I use every single one of the tools mentioned and I have seen a great change in how I handle my life and feelings on a day to day basis. I encourage you to gather tools that help and use them. Evening Reflection I love to journal. Journaling truly helps me, especially at night. I journal so much that it has turned into this blog. I think it is important before you go to bed to journal about your day and the happenings within that day. Be vulnerable as you write. Don't filter. It will help you track your progress, as well as, give you a way to vent and get things off your mind before bed. That is what I have for today. Through the anguish I am feeling, I am finding a way through. I am looking forward to going to Italy and singing again on a stage and being surrounded by other artists, learning and growing. Doing healthy things for myself. I pray for my children every single day. That is the best thing I can do for them. Please know that I do the same for you.

In times of estrangement or emotional turmoil, finding solace and healing through creative expression can be a transformative experience. Whether it's through art, writing, music, or any other form of creative outlet, the act of expressing oneself can lead to catharsis, self-discovery, and ultimately, healing. I want to describe how engaging in creative activities can be a therapeutic process that nurtures the soul and promotes emotional well-being. Embracing Healing Through Artistic Expression When words fail us and emotions run deep, turning to creative expression can provide an outlet for my innermost thoughts and feelings. Art has the power to transcend language barriers and speak directly to the heart, offering a unique way to process complex emotions and experiences. My outlet is singing, writing, and playing my flute. Through these forms of artistic expression, I can express myself in ways that other forms of communication do not allow. Nelson and I believe it is very important to explore the most creative side of ourselves. It is a much healthier way to deal with our emotions instead of exploding or imploding. The Healing Journey of Writing Writing has long been recognized as a therapeutic tool for exploring one's emotions and experiences. Whether through poetry, journaling, or storytelling, putting pen to paper can be a cathartic process that allows me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. Writing provides a safe space for self-reflection and introspection. It enables me to confront my inner demons and embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery. When I am in my darkest moments, I write poetry. Poetry gives me a pathway to describe in depth the pain, hurt, despair, misery, gratefulness, and joy that I am processing during this time in my life. I can give visuals of what my feelings look like through poetry. No other form of communication gives me the same release. It is important for each of us to find that form of expression that allows us to chronicle what we are feeling in a way that is non-destructive to ourselves or others. Musical Therapy: Healing Through Sound Music has a unique ability to evoke powerful emotions and memories, making it a potent tool for emotional healing. Engaging with music, whether through listening, playing an instrument, or composing, can help us connect with our inner selves and process complex feelings. My husband and I are both musicians, so we have the unique opportunity to use our musical abilities to give our brains a respite from the thoughts that circulate and cause us to doubt ourselves and individuals and parents. My singing reminds me of who I am as a person and what I was created to do. I am about to depart for Italy and am in preparation for singing while I am there. The knowledge that I have a purpose and have been putting my concentration on the music in front of me, gives me great relief and brings joy into my life in a time that I normally would be very distraught. This has helped me to know that I am still a person of worth and ability, regardless of the loss and rejection that I have felt over the past 8 months. My ability to sing gives me great solace. I am wanted for who I am. It puts me on the path of self-improvement and positivity. My husband is an instrumentalist. He plays trombone. Though he has not told me yet, I know that he is very grateful to music for being an unmitigated influence for him at this time. The Transformative Power of Creative Expression Engaging in creative activities not only provides an emotional release but also fosters personal growth and resilience. By channeling our inner creativity, we can discover new aspects of ourselves, build self-confidence, and cultivate a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Creative expression offers a path to self-discovery and empowerment, enabling us to navigate life's challenges with greater strength and resilience. Creativity: A Pathway to a Healthier Emotional and Mental Life The only way to deal with estrangement is to go through the mental and emotional pain that it causes. In the research Nelson and I have done to improve ourselves on this journey, we have discovered it is through our creative expression that we have found a way to healthily communicate. Where we once took our unhealthy feelings out on each other, allowing the spill-over to affect our children, we now use our creative abilities to guide us into a new, thriving to live. We put thought into what to say and how to say it. We find innovative ways to communicate our needs and listen to each other, which in turn enriches our marriage and our relationships outside of our marriage. Part of creative expression is allowing yourself to quiet the mind and tap into the spirit that lives inside us, guiding us to a better and uncommon way to communicate. To move forward, we cannot do life in the same pattern that we had before we were estranged from our adult child. No matter what, Nelson and I want to grow and become more of what God created us to be in this world, regardless of whether our estranged adult child wants to reconnect or not. We absolutely pray that she does, however, when it comes down to the reality of the situation, we needed to take a deep dive to become emotionally and mentally healthy. I am so thankful that creative expression is a big part of our journey. #creativeexpression #healthycreativity #estrangement

Amidst the chaos of feelings and thoughts that estrangement from my adult child stirs, journaling emerges as a beacon of healing, offering a safe space to pour out my thoughts, emotions. Writing my feelings on a piece of paper, or typing them into a google doc has been an extremely useful tool for me. I have always journaled. I journal my daily prayers, I journal my thoughts, and I even journal poetry. This blog was started because I journaled what was going on and I needed a place to put everything I was feeling, good and bad. I needed a place to express myself without judgement from any outside source. Honestly, sometimes I need a place to speak where no one else gives me an opinion. Journaling helps me to have that place. The Healing Words Within Journaling is more than just a collection of written words; it is a powerful tool for processing emotions and gaining clarity amidst life's uncertainties. The act of journaling allows me to externalize my innermost thoughts, fears, and joys, freeing my mind from the weight of unspoken feelings. Through the cathartic process of putting my thoughts into words, I begin to unravel the labyrinth of my mind and unearth the healing words within. It gives me a way to track what is going on so that I can gage my reactions and hopefully see where I am doing well in my life and where I need to improve. Embracing Self-Discovery In the quiet moments of journaling, I can free myself of any chains that I have and I allow everything to just flow. When I saying everything, I mean everything! It gives me documentation that I can share with my therapist when there are issues that I am having due to the specific emotional and mental struggles that estrangement can cause. More times than not, I discover issues that probably contributed to the estrangement. It helps me gain a deeper understanding of myself and my emotional landscape. Journaling serves as a mirror that reflects my innermost self, allowing me to confront my fears, deal with past trauma, celebrate my successes, and chart a path towards personal growth and healing. Tracking Progress: A Journey Unfolded One of the most powerful aspects of journaling for healing is the ability to track my progress and growth over time. By revisiting past entries, I witness the evolution of my thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, offering a tangible reminder of how far I have come on my journey towards healing. The act of tracking progress through journaling not only provides validation of my efforts but also inspires me to continue moving forward with courage and resilience. It is not easy to look back on some of the entries, however, it does help me to see I am doing necessary work to help me become a better person and be more capable of handling stressful situations that come my way in a much more healthy manner. Embracing Vulnerability and Resilience Through journaling, I embrace vulnerability as a source of strength and resilience. Opening up my heart and mind on paper requires courage and vulnerability, but it is through this raw authenticity that I find healing and empowerment. Journaling teaches me to embrace my imperfections, acknowledge my struggles, and celebrate my resilience in the face of life's challenges. It is a space where honesty is necessary. It is the place where I express every disappointment,all my rage, all my anger, all my resentment, all my joy, and all my successes. I can just be me. I believe that everyone needs a place to be able to express themselves in this manner. The Written Word Has Power There is much power in the written word. Words can tear down, or they can build up. Words can create. I am in a situation where I am estranged from my adult child. This has given me feelings of being powerless. I have found that journaling daily has allowed me to gain some of that power back, by giving me an avenue to write out everything, most especially when I am feeling angry and lost. I can scream on paper and not disturb anyone, or damage my vocal cords, (an important thing for a singer). Journaling helps me to process all my anxieties. My best ideas come when I am journaling. I can hear God speaking to me when I am journaling. Journaling has become my very best tool in my emotional and mental health emergency kit. It gives me permission to take time for myself, and helps me to move forward. For me, it is a necessary daily activity. Healing During Estrangement is Necessary So many of the resources I have and use discuss the fact that reconciliation with your adult child can only happen when the parent or parents do the work to heal the wounds that made the adult child feel unsafe. I my case, I have no idea why I am estranged from my adult child. We had a difficult conversation and I wrote an email to apologize. At that point, communication was cut off. She would no longer answer. I have had to take a look at the email and the situation. I realize there was more to it than just that conversation. My deep dive to heal and improve began. A lot of articles I have studied, books I have read, and podcasts I have listened to about estrangement have pointed out that if you want to reconcile with your adult child, YOU, in other words, I have to do the hard work of healing and growing. I use many different tools to help myself. Journaling is my first go to tool. I recommend it! Let me warn you, you have to be consistent and completely honest. You may have to give up something in order to spend time on it. I believe it is worth it. #journalingandestrangement #journalingforhealing #estrangementwithadultchild

Navigating the complex emotions and uncertainties that come with family estrangement is a challenging and isolating experience. Estrangement has left us feeling lost and disconnected from our sense of self. However, amidst this pain and confusion, there lies an opportunity for self-discovery, healing, and growth. Embracing Our Journey Estrangement has often brought up a range of emotions, from anger and sadness to guilt and confusion. We have found it essential to acknowledge and validate these feelings as part of our healing process. In doing this we also have found that vulnerability is a very powerful aid in our communication and healing. By giving ourselves permission to feel, be vulnerable and express our emotions, we have taken the first step towards understanding and accepting our experience with estrangement. While none of this is easy, we are finding that the only way out of estrangement is through. Our daughter has still not made contact. That part is difficult. However, it doesn't take away our responsibility to do the necessary work to heal, move forward and improve. We do not want to be in the same place we were when this whole thing started. Reflecting on Your Identity Being estranged from Rachel has definitely made both of us question our identity and sense of belonging. It has been earth shaking and is testing our resolve to become better individuals. Nelson and I are both taking this as an opportunity to explore who we are outside of familial relationships. What values, beliefs, and interests define me as an individual? What values, beliefs, and interests define Nelson as an individual? We spend a lot of time talking and reflecting on our strengths, passions, and aspirations to rediscover the unique people we are created to be beyond our family dynamics. These deep dives are painful and exhilarating at the same time. There are endless possibilities to where this adventure can take us and we are working hard to meet the challenges of this journey through our faith in God, prayer, therapy and learning to take care of ourselves. Cultivating Self-Compassion Self-compassion is a powerful tool in coping with the aftermath of estrangement. Learning to be kind and gentle with ourselves and each other is an absolutely essential part of our healing process as we navigate feelings of loss and grief. We have chosen to ask ourselves "What is a healthy practice for us as a couple and as individuals." What is healthy for us financially, what is healthy for us, mentally, what is healthy for us emotionally, what is healthy for us spiritually are all questions that we have to ask each and every time we are making decisions in order to support in each other. Practicing self-care activities is nurturing to my emotional well-being, as well as Nelson's. Whether it's journaling, meditation, or engaging in creative outlets that bring us joy, we are working to be patient and remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to prioritize self-care along the way. Nelson and I pray that our daughter is doing the same for herself. Embracing Growth and Transformation Through the process of self-discovery after estrangement, we have the opportunity to redefine and shape our own narrative. We are embracing the growth that comes from facing adversity and challenges head-on. We are using this time to envision a future filled with possibilities and new beginnings, where we are empowered to create a life that aligns with who we are as individuals and as a couple, and the values that we firmly believe in. Estrangement can be Painful and Beautiful Nothing can be born without discomfort and pain. However, the birthing process is also beautiful and full of joy. I have said it over and over again, this is very painful. It will be until the birth of something new comes into the world. We don't have time to dwell on the pain of the loss of our adult child due to estrangement. I don't want anyone mistaking this blog as us dwelling on the pain. We are expressing our pain, and describing the process of moving through the misery of it, and focusing on the beauty that is to come. It will come, it takes a lot of patience, self-care, introspection, humility, willingness to look at the good, bad and ugly in ourselves and make the necessary changes to become better people. Will Rachel ever know we have changed? I don't know. We can't work on ourselves for Rachel. We can do it because we want to see ourselves grow and be better. Everything happens in God's time, and His time isn't our time. We wait expectantly. In the meantime, we want to become the people He created us to be. #estrangementfromadultchild #estrangement #estrangementandselfdiscovery

Reconciliation Starts With Me When this whole journey started I was panicked. I thought I had to solve the problems between my daughter, Rachel and I immediately. I was grasping at straws. I was desperate to find the reason for why the estrangement had happened. I was obsessing over it. I drove my other two adult children crazy over it. Rachel had spoken to them about it. My children are very close, they talk together. They explained to me that they did not want to be in the middle and that they were not going to break the confidence of their sister. I understand their point of view, although, it did leave me with nothing to help. I felt completely left out and abandoned. Today, my husband and I were talking, and he shared with me some concerns from my very close friend, Eugene. Eugene had observed me being very depressed and sedentary. I called Eugene and we talked. I realized that his observation was very true. That is exactly the way I have become. Depressed and sedentary. The light came on immediately. I am not a depressed and sedentary person. What really struck me like a lightning bolt is that the reconciliation that I long for starts with me. How do I reconcile with myself? I radically accept the truth of the matter. I look back on everything and realize that I have NEVER accepted who I am. I have always embraced the thought that something is wrong with me and what I want doesn't belong to me, it belongs to other people, not me. I recognize the complete lie I have been believing! WHAT GARBAGE!! WHY AM I BELIEVING SUCH GARBAGE!?!? That is NOT the truth. I am God's child and the apple of His eye. I am intelligent, talented, and capable. Reconciling with myself means I love and accept myself and believe the best about me, AND I restore within myself the respect for myself and for what God put me down here to do so that I can accomplish that purpose. Restoring Friendly Relations With Myself Singing has always been something I have done. I have been singing since I was able to speak. That is the truth. I sang my first solo in church at 18 months. Today, I realized that my biggest first step is to restore friendly relations with myself. I am not a failure. I do not have to put what God gave me as a tremendous gift, on a shelf and sacrifice what I want for the sake of others. To restore love to myself through singing and being who I was created to be. I haven't been my own friend. In fact, I have been a pretty awful friend to myself. For whatever reason, I have treated myself with contempt. I have not liked me at all. The huge realization of how I have been living and treating myself is shocking. I have been so abusive to me. I am now making a commitment to myself to love me and to take care of me. I have to take care of me, I am the only me that I have. I am the only person that can do what I am called to do. I am unique. I am special. I am loved. This is my biggest realization. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. I am a vocal athlete and I need to treat myself like I know that I am. The Chair is Empty As of today, the chair will be empty. No more sedentary life for me. There is too much I want to accomplish. I am fully embracing the reconciliation I am having with myself. Whether I ever reconcile with my adult child or not is no longer important. My main concern is that I cling to my relationship with God and that I am completely reconciled with myself. I think that is the best gift I can give my family. I am grateful to God for this revelation today. Comment below if you need a friendly ear and support. We are happy to help. #reconciledwithme #estrangementwithadultchild #nolongerestrangedfromme

Life is full of twists and turns, some anticipated, others entirely unforeseen. Today, I find myself reflecting on a new perspective that I have found is helpful to me. I have decided that instead of looking at this unexpected turn as an abrupt end, I am now seeing it as a fresh beginning. The Moment of Dropping When I say "dropped," I mean it both literally and metaphorically. Imagine holding something precious, something you’ve grown attached to, and then, without any forewarning, it slips through your fingers. That’s precisely what happened to me. My daughter, whom I never thought I’d be without, is now gone. The shock of the loss was immediate. I have been reeling from it for the past 8 months. However, today I had a change in my thought process. I have had the realization that I now have a space—a void that’s begging to be filled with new experiences, new memories. I am pleasantly surprised that I am finding I am a bit excited. Embracing Change Change is often met with resistance. We cling to the familiar because it provides comfort and certainty. I ask myself this question, "What if I viewed these unexpected drops not as losses but as opportunities?" Opportunities to grow, to explore, to redefine ourselves. This sudden drop in my life has given me a chance to reevaluate what truly matters, to let go of what no longer serves me, and to make room for the new. Finding Strength in the Strange There’s strength in the strange, in the unfamiliar. It challenges me to adapt, to innovate, and to discover parts of myself I never knew existed. Today, as I navigate this new reality, I’m reminded of the importance of resilience. Life’s unpredictability is what makes it beautiful. Can this estrangement from my adult child be a chance to learn and to evolve? I think it absolutely is that very chance. A New Beginning As I move forward, I choose to embrace the unexpected with open arms. This blog, Strangely Estranged, is a testament to that journey. It’s a space where we can share our experiences, our drops, and our strange estrangements. Together, we can find solace in knowing that we’re not alone, that there’s beauty in the unexpected, and that every end is a new beginning. Join me tomorrow as we continue to explore the art of letting go and embracing the strange. Until then, keep an open heart and an open mind. By the way, today I also went and looked at boats. I have always wanted to own a boat. Now I am going to allow myself the opportunity to have one! I allowed myself to have fun today. It was a wonderful day. #noendingnewbeginning #strangeestrangement #letgo #embraceestrangement #estrangementfromadultchild

Today was mentally and emotionally difficult day. I felt overwhelmed by everything. Just the thought of taking a shower and getting dressed seemed like a chore. I just made the choice to stay in my pajamas and to not torture myself over it. I felt terrible waves of anxiety and I had a headache. I needed to have used my tools from my DBT, I didn't. I have to say, I chose poorly. I know that it is very important for me to take care of myself during this difficult time of being estranged from my daughter. I didn't. I allowed bill paying and house cleaning, and all the daily day stuff to get to me. There were so many other decisions that I could have made to make my day better. I surrendered to the anxiety. I have to say that tomorrow, I plan to do better. I still have goals to meet and singing to do. I have preparations to take care of, and a life to build. I honestly do not have time to feel sorry for myself and stay frozen. That is a part of a Complex PTSD reaction, freezing. I do what is called Functional Freezing. It is when you are capable of still functioning in life, even though you do not feel present and you feel frozen. There are many days I am functioning and still frozen. Today, I stayed frozen without functioning. I punished myself today for not making great decisions all the time. I have to remind myself that the deep sadness and depression I feel at times is temporary and can be pretty selfish if I stay in it. Depression is self-focused. The best way to deal with that I have found is to go and do something for someone else. I am focus on doing that tomorrow, and reminding myself that taking care of myself is ok to do. I love to swim and I could have gone swimming today. I didn't allow myself to leave the house. So much for taking good care of myself today. Some days I just can't get motivated. Years of stress and trauma make me feel like giving up at times. I never do give up. Since I am now estranged from my daughter, I do not have the luxury of giving up. I have too much to do, such as, giving myself grace for today, learning to love myself and do more to become who I want to be in this life. That is the best thing I can do for Rachel and for Jacob and Rosemary. I do believe that I need to give myself a break. I am way too hard on myself. Changing takes time and I do need to allow myself to enjoy my life. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. I rarely allow myself to just enjoy myself. I think I will set an alarm in the morning for how long I will work on cleaning the house, and just go and do something fun. Yep, that is a better plan. #traumaandestrangement #estrangementwithadultchild #functionallyfrozen

Estrangement is Difficult at Best: When you are estranged from your adult child, the best you can hope for are days that you can move forward and only think about your child once. At least that is my experience. I am a mother, it is not an option to just not think about my daughter. I think about all three of my adult children everyday. That is motherhood. Being estranged from my adult daughter, like any loss of a child is hell. Soul wrenching hell. “The bottom line is that if you are in hell, the only way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. Misery is, of course, much better than hell, but it is painful nonetheless. By refusing to accept the misery that it takes to climb out of hell, you end up falling back into hell repeatedly, only to have to start over and over again.” Marsha M. Linehan. So there we are, the way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. If we don't embrace and radically accept that we are going to go through a time of misery, we will not get to the healing on the other side. To get to the other side, we will need the support of our spouse or significant other and they will need our support. On days when I am more emotionally available, I am the person on call for my husband. When I am not emotionally available, he is my emotional support person. Communication and Your Significant Other: We all have heard how much communication is important in any relationship. Communication has two parts, speaking to inform and connect, and listening. There is never a better time to use compassionate, empathetic communication than during an estrangement with your adult child. Nelson and I work on this every single day. I have to tell you that this exercise, for us, is not easy. Nelson has ADHD and it keeps him stuck in his head. He describes it as three keynote speakers live in his head and they are all giving their presentations at the same time! That sounds extremely overwhelming. It challenges my patience. He doesn't think in the same way that I do. He is messy, I am not. I am a communicator, he is not. He has to think about communicating. He doesn't remember to write down important information that he needs to tell me. He doesn't schedule personal things well. He is great at work. He knows what to do and has a clear plan. His ADHD makes him hyper focus, which is perfect for his job. A lot of the household responsibility has to be planned and executed by me. It can be very overwhelming. I like having sit down business meetings to discuss schedules,, budgets and needs. I like to have them for the month and then touch base weekly to see where we are and if anything needs to be adjusted. If I counted on Nelson to do that, I would be waiting for the rest of my life. Add to all of these daily things of household business, work business, social life, etc., the pressure and stress of an estranged adult child and we have a recipe for disaster. We have had to plan how we are going to react. I made the decision that I was not going to lead with blame. it isn't Nelson fault and he did not make this decision. I do not blame him for the estrangement. I made the decision early on to only look to myself for the reason for the estrangement. The only control that I have is over me and my decisions. Nelson and I also started working on our communication and how we speak to each other. Nelson is a much calmer person that I am. I have to think and identify what I am feeling before I speak to him. Sometimes, I have to walk away and do something else before I speak to him. Since I do DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), I use the coping skills that I have chosen and written out. I have to give myself a coping thought, here is an example: I can make the decision to be kind when I speak, and stand up for what i believe and think. I do not allow myself to start the conversation until I know I can be kind and speak with respect and without being lead by my emotions. It is a lot of work. It takes a lot of practice. I have to breathe and use self-soothing techniques. I have found that due to having Complex PTSD, these are necessary steps for me to take in order to give Nelson the love and support he needs. I practice giving him a compliment everyday and I make sure to remind myself to thank him and show appreciation to him everyday. Nelson copes with things in a different way than I do. He doesn't think to talk about his feelings. He has to stop and think about what he is feeling. His go to coping mechanism is to fix something or do some physical work. He is very good at errands and chore lists. I do not expect him to feel the way I do, (although, the truth is, at times I wish he did). I definitely do not cope with our daughter being estranged from us in the way that Nelson does. I am up one day and down the next. Acceptance of our differences and respecting each other for them is very important. I may not always like the way he deals with it. I do work to accept that because it is different doesn't make it wrong. Being a team right now and working together to give support to each other is absolutely what has to happen if your marriage or partnership is going to last through this time of our lives. It is a day to day, moment by moment decision to love when you feel needy yourself. Estrangement from your adult child does make you feel needy and alone. Nelson and I made a commitment to one another before God, "For Better or Worse." I have to say, we have had more than our share of worse. We are looking forward to the better. Until that happens, Nelson and I have each other's backs. I lean on him, and he leans on me. That is the way it works. It is too easy to see each other as the enemy. It is work to decide to be committed to believing your spouse is your best friend and ally. I love you and I am grateful for you goes a long way. Remember that estrangement with your adult child is a healing journey for you. I know that it is for me. #estrangementwithadultchild #supportyourpartner #loveanyway #estrangementchallenges

I have found in times of emotional turmoil and distress, finding solace and support is crucial for healing. At this point in our lives, Nelson and I are finding that being surround by activity and supportive people is something that we need in order to facilitate our healing as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. We have started with feeding our spiritual and emotional needs. Growing Spiritual Health: Everyday, first thing in the morning, Nelson and I take care of our connection with God. I honestly do not know exactly what Nelson's spiritually connective routine is, I leave him alone to deal with that himself. I do know it includes reading the Bible and prayer. We both highly value our time alone with God. We endeavor not to disturb one another during this time. I believe that we are all spiritual beings. So connecting with a Higher Power is essential to our healing. Nelson and I are followers of Jesus, so that is who we connect with in our quiet time in the morning. I read the Bible, I listen for what the Holy Spirit is speaking to me, and if prompted, I research further in the Bible and other sources on what I am hearing. I make notes on it in my journal and then I journal my prayer. We had stopped attending church when we lived in North Carolina. Not because we don't like going, we just could not find a place that we felt supported and that we wanted to support. The churches where we lived just did not line up with our values. That is very important for spiritual health. Since we moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee, we have found a church and people who we want to support and that seem to be supportive in return. That has helped tremendously in our spiritual growth since moving and since we have become estranged from our daughter. Whatever the case, healing starts with Spiritual Health. It starts on the inside. Embracing Vulnerability: We have found that embracing vulnerability is crucial to healing our hearts. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all vulnerable and it is our feeling vulnerable that causes the resentment, rejection, jealousy, envy, anger, rage, stubbornness, pride, reactiveness and unforgiveness that we experience when estranged from our adult child. I also experience shame and blame, which comes along with feeling vulnerable as well. No one likes to feel vulnerable. However, it is necessary to admit our feeling vulnerable and allowing our friends, family, spouse and others that support us into our inner circle so that we can receive the compassion, love and empathy we need. My husband, Nelson and I use a technique when communicating that has helped us tremendously. When we are talking about an issue and something triggers an emotional response in one of us, before we speak further we use the code word, "Vulnerable." That is our queue to stop right then and there and listen to what is on the heart of the other. Whichever one of us said, "Vulnerable," has to tell what they are feeling. This requires emotional awareness from the person who feels vulnerable, and it requires listening with compassion and empathy from the other. It is helping us to heal our relationship by creating a safe place of trust and support for one another. Try it! It works for us! A harder thing to do is to be vulnerable in front of other people. I have had a lot of trauma in my life that I am working to heal in myself. I do not let people in my close circle easily. I go to therapy. I have a wonderful therapist that works with me on my Complex PTSD and the reactions it triggers. Because I have a therapist, I also work with her using DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). We also do EMDR. I use these tools and work on them daily. Being vulnerable means admitting you have a problem, (we all do, we are human), and that we want to become healthier and better as a person. I am working on being more open and vulnerable with other people as well. I am starting at our new church. This will take time for me to get to the point of trusting the people there, and I certainly do not want to overwhelm them with all of my life junk when I am just getting to know them. I do know that we want this to be a safe place for others to get support, so feel free to comment below. We can't change your situation, however, we can listen and give support. Moving Forward Through Estrangement: When my son died in 1993, I wanted to die with him. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted him to live and I felt that I had lived longer and had more of a life, so I was willing to trade places with him. I had so much trouble getting through each day, similar to the way I feel now at times. I do have to say it is getting easier, which lets me know I am beginning the healing process. Sorry, I digress...After he died, I counted the days he had been gone. I relived the day he died over and over. I felt like it kept me connected to him somehow. I did tell myself that one day I would wake up and not remember how many days had passed, and when that day came I did not need to panic and go to a calendar to count the days. It would be a sign that I was healing, and that I would know when it had been six months and I would know when it had been a year. It has been 31 years now. I learned to laugh again. I learned to live again. I will do it again now. It is o.k. to move forward. Right now I am preaching to myself. I am telling myself it is o.k. for me to sing again, and laugh again and be myself again. It is o.k. to move forward. The sun still rises and still sets. Time doesn't stop. I have to make the most of the life God gave me. I move forward, just as I did before. How Do I Heal?: Everyone heals differently. Nelson and I heal very differently. I am preaching to myself again, asking myself, "How do I heal?" I heal by forgiving myself. I heal by believing, in faith, that I will be healed and be stronger and healthier in the process. I heal by allowing myself to care for me. I heal by taking the time to care for myself. I heal by doing the work that my therapist suggests to me. I heal by eating right and exercising. I don't always feel like doing that part. I don't like doing it. I cannot heal without it, so the decision is to do it anyway. My feelings will follow my doing. I heal by allowing my husband and my friends and family to love me. I heal by believing they do. I heal by singing and allowing myself to laugh. Proverbs 17:22, "Laughter is good medicine." I heal by doing a lot more of the things I enjoy doing. That is why I started this blog. I love to write. Finding Solace: I find solace in the fact that I am getting better every single day. Writing out my thoughts and how I feel gives me solace. Knowing that this is just a season in my life gives me solace. Knowing that there are others out there that are going through something similar gives me solace. It is good to know I am not alone. I would not wish being estranged from your adult child on anyone. It is torture. The pain is great. The regret and sorrow is real. Hope is real as well. To radically accept that my daughter is not in my life now and may never be, is extremely difficult. I did some research about it today in the Bible. God knows exactly how I feel because He is estranged from so many of His children. He loves all of us. Not all of us love Him back. So many reject Him, and live in rebellion against Him. I take comfort in knowing He is for me and with me through each and every moment I am going through, and He really gets it. Remember to comment if you have something on your heart. We are hear to listen. #healinghearts #estrangementfromadultchild #estrangementsupport

I spent time this morning praying and doing my Bible Study.  I started in the studio at 10 am.  I am so fortunate to have the students that I have in my life.  I really enjoy working with them.  Today was a busy day in the studio. I am still having trouble getting out of the house and working on singing.  I am going to get on it tomorrow.  I have to get myself to go to the gym.  It is part of my DBT therapy.  There is work that I have to get done.  I am going to Italy in a couple of weeks to sing and I have got to get music finished for that trip.  I can see myself moving forward in my life.  I can’t just sit in a time bubble waiting for Rachel.  I will not be able to pick up where I left off.  Things have shifted now and they will never be the same.  I have spent hours and hours grieving that part of our relationship.  Can it be better than it was before, I believe so.  I just can’t see when that is going to happen.  I have absolutely no control over that part.  I have no control over whether Rachel will decide to reach out or not.  It may be years before I hear from her.  I am having to radically accept that possibility. I lost my first child.  He was stillborn.  His name is Jackson.  That was the single most devastating event in my life.  That is until now.  I think this estrangement is just as hard.  I am reminded by others that it is not the same, because Rachel is still alive.  The truth is, they don’t know what they are talking about when they say those things to me.  None of them have ever lost a child.  It really hurts and angers me when they share that opinion.  It is beyond painful to lose a child, and it is beyond painful to be estranged from your adult child.  The blame and shame that comes with being estranged from my adult child is a huge weight that I carry everyday.  It is not something that I readily share with others, due to the fact that people tend to judge.  When your child dies, there is sympathy and compassion.  When your adult child won’t talk to you and chooses estrangement, people judge you.  The questions come, “What did YOU do?”  “You had to have done something for her to feel she had to cut you off!”  All you hear over and over in your head is, “Bad Mother!”  “You failed as a parent!”  I really felt like crud, (that is putting it politely), when I attempted to talk to my ex-husband, (the children’s dad), about it.  I was simply expressing that I was trying to reach Rachel to talk everything out and apologize.  What I received was, “I am NOT going to be in the middle!  You always do this!”  I don’t even know what “THIS,” is!!  I realized then that I would not be able to even begin to speak to their dad.  I would not be able to depend on his support.  So...I started looking for resources to help me. One day, I spoke to my daughter Rosemary.  She speaks to Rachel frequently.  They are twins.  Rachel has spoken to her and told her what she is thinking and feeling.  Rosemary is very good at keeping the confidence of others.  She informed me,(without giving anything away), of the fact that Rachel has been very hurt by me.  I was completely crushed.  I would rather cut my own heart out than hurt one of my children.  When I hung up the phone, I wailed.  I cried the tears of a mother in mourning.  I felt like crawling under the ground.  I screamed and cried and screamed and cried some more.  Nelson just held me.  I clung to him with all my might.  It took me days to recover.  I spoke to my therapist, and worked more in my DBT workbook.  I listened to The Reconnection Podcast. ( You can find it on YouTube).  I started looking for more resources to help.  I want all the tools.  Anything I can find that will help me to reconnect with my daughter.   A part of my heart is missing.  It is a terrible feeling to realize that I  am not the same person that I was before this estrangement.  I never will be that person again, and I don’t want to be.  I want to be better.  I want to be stronger.  I want to be healthier. I have no real idea of what Rachel has gone through, or is going through.  I don’t know what she was thinking when she made the decision to stop speaking to or seeing me.  All I can do is pray, and ask God to show it to me and make it obvious.  In the research I have done so far, I have found that I am the parent and I have to take on the full responsibility for my being in this estrangement from my adult child.  I work to do just that.  I dig deep and take a look at my behaviors and actions to find areas that I need to change and form new ways of communicating and new habits that are healthier and more beneficial for me.  I simply want to get better and be more able to be a light in the world for others.  I am not writing this blog, sharing these things to be an expert at anything.  Over the last 8 months since this whole thing began, I have found that what I thought I knew I don’t.  I really don’t know anything at all.  I thought I was a good parent.  Now, I’m not sure.  However, I do know that I am dedicated and committed to doing whatever I have to in order to help my family.  I will never give up on having a relationship again with my daughter.  I pray to God to help strengthen me and show me how to become more of who He created me to be.  I ask God to forgive me for the mistakes that I made with my children.  I can tell you that in this part of my life, I am swallowing my pride and falling on my face, and humbling myself before God in ways I never imagined I would. For now, I work on my singing and it helps.  I have to move forward with my dreams and goals regardless.  I am worth my own effort.  Life goes on.  I am learning to love myself and care enough for myself to do what I need to do for my own life.  When you are a mother, it is very easy to get wrapped up in your children and lose your entire identity as an individual.  It is as though it is expected of you.  I am working on finding myself, the self I lost along the way.  No matter what, I am still alive and capable of using my voice to sing and enjoy the gift of singing that I have been given.  I haven’t allowed myself to do that in a long time.  . Gotta go for now.  I have some singing to do.  For those of you who do not know, I am a Professional Opera Singer/Musical Theatre Performer.  I own my own Voice Studio and train students all over the country. #embracelife #movingforward #singingthroughestrangement #estrangementfromadultchild

June 3, 2024 Yesterday, I worked to put up a Blog Site.  I called the Blog Site, Strangely Estranged.  I set up the domain and got it up and going.  It isn’t great yet, but I am working on it.  It is up and that is great.  I decided if I am going to write about all of what Nelson and I are going through, I at least want it to help someone else.  I don’t know what will come of it.  I am writing about my thoughts and feelings every day, so I might as well do something constructive with it. To live a different way that I have ever lived is quite hard to do.  I was on one path and then, suddenly, without warning, it was as though I was beamed into another dimension.  It cannot be all bad.  At least Nelson and I have gotten a fresh start.  We were so stuck in North Carolina.  I felt like I had nowhere to go and no way out.  It was as though I was desparately working to get somewhere in my life and no matter what I did, I wasn’t getting any traction.  It took a large toll on my emotional, mental and physical health.  It is very possible that had Nelson’s job not started to fail and our financial picture changed so drastically, we may have never left.  God knows what He is doing, even when we don’t understand.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”  I am finding that this is very true.  He has directed our path back to Chattanooga and I can tell He is working in my life to heal my heart and mind.  He is healing our marriage as well.  I do not know if any of this will have an effect on Rachel coming back into our life or not.  All I do know is that it is making a difference in my life.  I am beginning to feel hopeful again. A few months ago, I would have never thought I would say that I am actually grateful that Rachel stopped talking to me.  I think I am.  I would not be working to make the changes necessary for the Lord to work in my life and heal me.  I do pray everyday to be healed.  It has started with me looking for something to be grateful for in this estrangement situation we find ourselves in.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  When life goes terribly wrong, I remember this verse, and begin a hunt for my “Thanks.”  It is not easy.  It is hard work.  I do believe God is going to work something wonderful out of the pain that I feel by being separated from my daughter.  I pray that she is blessed and growing as well.  I want her to know God in a powerful way.  Even if it means we both have to go through something terrible in the process.  I have needed Him before.  When my son died, I needed Him.  I need Him every hour of the day.  It is the only way I get through each day. I still have trouble getting out of the house.  I want to get out more.  The therapy I do encourages me to go to the gym and exercise.  It is a physiological coping skill.  I haven’t gotten myself to go yet.  It is difficult.  I want to avoid people.  I want to avoid conversations.  It is necessary for me to get better to socialize and have a support system of friends.  I have friends, I just struggle with letting new people into my close circle.  It is a trauma reflex.  I am concerned I will talk too much, or say something that another person will find concerning.  I am concerned I will withdraw or have a seizure due to anxiety. Yes, I have seizures. They are called PNES, (Psychogenic, Non-Epileptic Seizures). I also have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and it is has caused me to have Vestibular Migraines. The high anxiety and stressed killed my left inner ear. Yes, I have to do therapy to learn coping skills and soothe my over-stimulated nervous system.  Yes, I still have a lot of healing to do.  Jesus came and died so that we can live life abundantly, to the full.  I know He is working on me. The thing is, when you have an estranged adult child, you are still the parent and you have to do the work that it takes to heal.  You never stop being a parent.  My son and my daughters have stopped being children.  They are now adults and can make their own decisions on what they want and do not want for their lives.  However…I will never stop being a parent to them.  It makes for a very interesting relationship, especially if you are dealing with estrangement and an adult child.  Since I never stop being a parent to my adult children, I have to walk on a higher path.  They are still watching.  Believe me,  I do NOT want to walk the high road all the time.  It makes me want to scream!  Especially when one of them really hurts my feelings.  Especially in this situation we are in with our daughter Rachel.  I want to write a letter and let her know how much pain and sorrow she is causing.  I want to call her selfish and self-centered.  I could still make that my choice.  The question then becomes, “What does that accomplish?”  The answer is…More Pain, More Suffering.  It will just push her further away.  So, I take the higher road, regardless of my personal feelings.  I am still her mother.  I love her unconditionally.  She is an adult and God has to let her know what she is responsible for in her life.  I am her mother, and I am responsible for my actions and words that affect her.  I have done enough damage through my own selfishness, and complete disregard for how she was being effected by me and by my reactions to the trauma I was experiencing.  Saying, “I did the best I could,” is not enough.  I have to work to change.  I have to pay attention to Jesus and how He handled stress, and how He reacted in difficult circumstances.  I do not want to go back to being who I was before she walked away and cut off communication.  Was I a bad person?  No.  Did I still cause damage and pain to my daughter, yes.  I pray that I am changing for the better and I do not want to look back.  I still do not have her in my life.  No matter what, I know that I am doing what God has called me to do and that is the best I can do.  The rest is up to Him.  Change is not simple or easy. It means I have to look at myself every day. I have to take a deep look. I have to slow down enough to consider what I am feeling and how I want what I am feeling to be directed. James 1:19 instructs us by saying, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." I use a tool called R.E.S.T. It means Relax, Evaluate, Set-An-Intention, Take Action. I learned it from the therapy I use, recommended by my Psycho-Therapist. I do a type of therapy called DBT, (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). If you want to know more about it, just make a post in the comments below and I will give you the information on how to find the resource. This technique helps me to slow down take a few moments, (even if I have to leave the room. People probably think I am incontinent, haha). I then evaluate whether I am in danger, the answer is normally, "No," and then I have coping intention that has been pre-determined by me, and I take action on one of those coping intentions. This helps me to make a better, calmer, decision, and it keeps me using self-control. I give myself this type of care. It takes constant awareness and practice. The thing is everyday is different.  I may not be as thoughtful about using these tools tomorrow. I may be angry and hurt and spend all day crying tomorrow.  I did that two days ago.  I am learning to give myself grace and forgiveness and start over immediately. I am grateful for today, today I am good.   Thank you for today, Lord. Oh! By the way…our daughter Rosemary is in Wisconsin with a Shakespearean touring company rehearsing for their summer tour. I am allowing myself the pleasure of enjoying the adult children that are speaking to me. I am hoping to go to Michigan in August to watch her perform. Just one more thing to be grateful for in our family.  You can always find something to focus on in which you can show gratitude, and within gratitude you can find joy in the day that you are in. I am staying in this day and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for you Rachel. No matter what the circumstance, I am always going to be thankful to God for giving you to me. #unconditionallove #gratitude #parentalestrangement

Welcome to Our New Normal of Being Strangely Estranged How Our Estrangement Began March 10, 2024 One day in September of 2023, my daughter and I had a conversation that went in the wrong direction.  She is building a new business, and is working on building her clientele.  She was very stressed about money.  I had come up with an idea that I was hoping would help her and I called her to talk my idea over with her.  I offered to pay her for helping me with videos for my studio.  I am not tech savvy and my daughter is very tech savvy.  She started questioning me on what I needed for the videos.  I told her it is very simple.  I really just needed them timed with text that would appear on the videos.  Nothing really hard.  Being the trained video expert she is, she quickly started asking me questions, about exactly what I wanted.  Truth be told, I had not gotten that detailed about it, and really wasn’t that sure what I wanted, I was under the thought that she would help me with that part.  The conversation became more anxiety filled on both our parts.  It started to go down a path that it really didn’t need to go.  I told her that if she didn’t want to do the job, just to say so and I would find someone else to help.  I truly didn’t want to overwhelm her and I didn’t want to be overwhelmed either.  2023 was one of the worst mental and emotional health years I have ever had.  My husband, Nelson and I were going through terrible financial stress.  His job was not paying correctly, we were behind in bills as a result.  I was extremely stressed.  I had worked so hard to build my own studio and business and to get us in a better financial standing over the years.  I was watching it all fall apart. Honestly, I can see the issue between my daughter and I that day was due to the stress we were both under.  As the conflict grew, (we were not yelling by the way), we were both just too insistent in what we were trying to communicate to the other.  I realized that the conversation had gone in the wrong direction, so I told her I would talk to her later and said I love you. I felt terrible about our conversation.  I did not feel that I was doing a good job communicating verbally.  I wrote her an email.  I apologized.  I told her I loved her and that I was just trying to help.  I am in therapy, my son is in therapy and we both have gained a lot of tools to help us.  I suggested that she may want to do that for herself, in order to relieve stress and help with communication.  I also told her that for the next little while I was going to just email her to communicate.  When I am writing, I can spend time thinking and saying things in the way that I really want them, instead of saying something incorrect or inappropriate in the moment I am in.  It never crossed my mind that my daughter would stop all communication with me.  It never entered my thought process that I would end up alienated from my daughter. I am a good mother.  I started my studio business so that I could stay home with my children.  They were sick when they were small, and I needed to be able to make money and take care of them.  We were in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals a lot.  When it came time for school, I homeschooled them to cut down on sick days and to help accommodate the visitation schedule with their dad.  When they finally were all in school, I made sure they had everything they needed.  I helped with homework, I made sure they did their after school activities.  All three of my children were honor students and won school awards.  We went to church.  We discussed the Bible and I taught them about Jesus and faith.  They are all Christians.  My son is an Eagle Scout.  Both of my daughters graduated Summa Cum Laude from college.  I rarely raised my voice to my children.  They never missed curfew.  They did not party.  I did not yell and scream at them.  We talked about our issues.  I was not a perfect mother by any means.  I made many mistakes.  When I did, I always said, “I’m Sorry.”  I had grown up with a lot of abuse and trauma.  I did not want that for my children. My mother moved in with us and lived with us for 10 years.  She had dementia. It was a difficult time.  My daughter who is now estranged from me, stayed home for 2 years after college to help me with her grandmother.  My mother was very beloved by my children.  My mother was incredible.  I appreciate my daughter staying and helping me.  It was extremely stressful in the last two years of her life.  The stress was very hard on me.  I am sure she took a lot of that onto herself.  For that, I am very sorry.  I was so busy during that time watching my mother deteriorate.  It was very difficult.  I look back on it and am sure that my daughter had trouble too.  I am sorry now that I didn’t recognize that enough.  I am very sorry that I was so overwhelmed that I could not see what my daughter was sacrificing. After my mother's death, my daughter wanted to apply to graduate school.  She had begun composing music and wanted to go into the media composition field.  She was accepted to the University of Miami.  I was so very proud of her.  All I have ever wanted for my children is for them to love what they do and serve God with the gifts He gave them. It truly never entered my mind or heart that one day, my beautiful, loving, loyal, devoted, talented daughter would stop talking with me.  I never in a million years would have believed I would live one second, much less 6 months, (it is 6 months at this point, with no end in sight), without hearing her voice or getting any communication from her.  I almost died having my children.  I signed a Do Not Resuscitate order in the hospital, to make sure they lived.  I have always been willing to give up my life for my children.  My first child did die.  My children are my miracles.  I have enjoyed every single minute of their lives, until now. This is painful.  This is painful.  This is painful.  I pray every single day that God gives me the strength to walk through this time in my life.  I pray everyday for my daughter.  I pray that God will protect her and keep her safe, and bless everything her hand touches. She speaks to everyone in my family.  I am the exception.  I hate the separation.  More than anything, I hate the silence.  My faith is in the knowledge that God is at work, even in the silence. I ask so many questions.  Will she speak to me ever again?  Does she care?  Does she know that I still care?  I leave her alone.  I am respectful of her silence and boundaries. In the meantime what do I do?  I pray a lot.  I cry a lot.  I allow myself to hurt.  I am learning to trust God and let go.  I am working to heal from my own issues from a lifetime of abuse and trauma.  Which, if I am honest, contributed to the estrangement.  I am not responsible for her actions.  Only my own.  I want the best for my daughter.  I have to become the best me I can become in order to give my daughter the love and support she needs.  Nothing is impossible with God. It is hard to have family members say to me that they don’t want to be in the middle.  It is hard to be alone in this walk and have no real support.  Her sister and her brother listen.  My husband listens.  My therapist listens and helps me come up with a plan to move forward.  It kept me frozen for a while.  I still struggle with being frozen.  I struggle with not feeling like I was a good mother.  I struggle with feeling like I hurt my daughter.  I have cried and screamed to God about that part.  I screamed and screamed, “I hurt my child!”  That is something that I would never make a conscious decision to do.  I am a singer.  It is what I do.  I have felt like disappearing.  I have thought, maybe that would help her more.  I know that is not true.  All I can do is work on healing and on living out the life God called me here to do.  I am learning that nothing, not even a broken relationship with my child, needs to ever stand in the way of the purpose God called me to do. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4.  I do feel Like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death.  It is not the same as the death of my son, it is more like someone who is missing.  You don’t know how to really move forward, because you don’t know if they will come back or not.  It is like being in some sort of weird limbo.  You are mourning the death of the relationship you had, and there is a hole in your heart from that missing piece, yet everyone tells you that she is not dead.  However, for me, the relationship I had is dead.  My heart has shifted, and every day I know that I will not hear her voice or her laugh any time soon.  Family members get to see her and laugh with her.  They post happy photos of themselves with her on social media, without thinking that my heart is broken and that seeing those pictures is extremely painful.  I just keep it to myself.  It does no good to say anything to anyone, it only causes conflict.  I remind myself to not steal their joy, just because I am having trouble. I am writing all of this so that maybe it will help me to see it all on paper.  I ask God to use it to help me to heal, and to let my writing about this estrangement have purpose.  I do pray that it does have purpose.  When my son died, I prayed his life and death would be a blessing to others and for it to be used to God’s Glory.  God answered that prayer.  I know He will answer this one. I will write more as I learn more.  I have made the decision to write something about this journey every day.  God be with me on this journey.  God be with my daughter every day.  I love you Rachel. #estrangeddaughter #healingjourney #unconditionallove